Am I being horrible about DH?

[MHnursingmama]

So not sure where to start really. Ive been with my husband since 2013 and we have a son together. Im not sure if we are compatible or if most men are like this and our relationship is normal.
My husband is a quiet, reserved person and he's never been particularly full of life or shown much motivation. He has worked in the same okay job for over 20 years and despite being intelligent does not want a career of any kind 'a job is just a job' he says.
Hes kind in many ways, wouldn't cheat on me no addictions etc but I just cant help but compare him to his friends who all have successful careers, side jobs and just seem to have a bit more oomph about them. Im just not sure that this is enough, or am I asking too much that he at least tries to get a job with some prospects and sick pay? . I feel like such a bitch though as hes a nice guy. Just dont know what to do really.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think you're a bitch. You just want different things from life than your husband does. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to accept him the way he is as there's no shame in divorcing if you aren't happy.

Thanks for this advice. And for taking a balanced view, you are probably right that it wouldn't matter if I 'loved the pants off him' it wouldn't matter. I have tried to engage with him emotionally and do things he enjoys. Unfortunately hes a closed book emotionally and his idea of a good time is watching YouTube videos and films

I'm not sure anyone said you should be grateful for who he is. It's more that you should accept he is who he is rather than expecting him to be someone else.

If who he is isn't enough for you then end the relationship. Just be clear with yourself what/who it is you do want to be in a relationship with and understand that you may never find that person, particularly if you would want to hold them to standards that you don't think apply to you.

Being emotionally closed and boring sounds like it's the real problem, not his lack of ambition. You have every right to expect him to open up you as without that it's not even a relationship IMO. There's a possibility that could change if he got therapy, but something tells me he won't do therapy. So maybe you should call it quits.

I don’t know OP , your post is coming across as though you feel you have settled, not settled as in you think you’re better than your husband, but settled as in for a life that you’re having second thoughts about now .. You feel guilty then having these feelings cause your husband is a nice guy ..
We can’t help how we feel though 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
You’re telling yourself then what a good guy he is , so as to try & banish those feelings you are having, & telling yourself , he has X , Y & Z good qualities , stop feeling discontent , be happy , however you sound kinda unhappy & in your head comparing him to his friends , well that’s not great is it 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..

OP what do you actually want from him ? Have you told him how you feel ? Could you suggest date nights? What attracted you to him ? Can you show him this post - how would he react if you did ?

Sounds like you are incompatible: Some people are more career & status obsessed and want lots of money so they can consume a lot; the latest phones, big car, 25 handbags, 100 of pairs of shoes, huge house, a new dress every weekend and lots and lots of shopping... While other people are just happy doing a job, living with less stress, consuming less, reading a book on a sunny day or going for a walk with friends and makes them happy.

Hi op
this is one of those situations where no one else can tell you what you should do because no one else has walked in your shoes. It sounds cliche, but listen to your heart. Do you love him but feel bored and looking at the grass on the neighbours side? Or is it more than that? Only you can answer whether you wish to stay with him or find someone more ambitious

Bear in mind if he wanted to start his own business, change career or whatever he might not be successful anyway. My DH spent a lot of time trying to be his own boss etc, and tbh I preferred him to have any sort of steady job, because otherwise all the financial stability rested on me while he worked all the hours available for a piddling income. He did eventually realise that there was something to be said for a regular income from a “boring” job. I hated his attempts at being more entrepreneurial, but put up with it because it was so important to him. Never happier than when he gave it up!

You're right he won't do therapy, ive asked he says he went once after his first marriage broke down and its not for him. He said a while back that he thinks he has low level depression but then changed his mind and said he was fine and refused to go to the g.p.
Yes youre right its not totally about the job more his half assed attitude to life. And ive tried i really have and everyone would think I was crazy for leaving the good guy
.

Half-assed sounds like the word. If you've tried to get him to change and invest in your partnership and he rejects that, you'll either have to develop your own life outside it so you get satisfaction from that - or rethink the whole thing. Otherwise it might be the rest of your life.
Is a serious conversation in order, where you make clear you're not content, and change will happen with or without him? I do think couple counseling could help, but only if you're both keen to make this work and he wants to do everything to keep you?

It's not crazy if you're incompatible and unhappy, no matter how good a guy he is. So never mind what other people say. It's your life and you needn't spend it in an unhappy marriage.

I've come across wrong in this. Im not obsessed with money or status at all. But not living next door to someone who uses the word fuck like a comma very loudly every 5 mins would be nice. But he doesn't even seem bothered about that! Would any of you want your child growing up next to that-obviously not. I dont come from the best of backgrounds ive had to work extremely hard for everything ive achieved so excuse me for expecting my partner to want to work hard with me for a better future!

@MHnursingmama you aren’t a bitch OP - in my 1st marriage I was married to a miner -but I met him young , it wasn’t the job for me that killed it , was the fact that I met him at 15 and by 28 I was no longer in thrall to watching sport or shit films every night he wasn’t down the pub - people change, not just him but you , he may not have changed at all - if you no longer gel, you just don’t .

What was he like at first ? Were you attracted to him then ? What was it about then ?

My DP is a bit like this. Works in a quite mundane job but is happy. I'm degree educated and have more of a career based job. He is happy at home pottering I love being social and going out doing stuff he doesn't . I do stuff with friends - he stays home. He is a lovely guy just lacks oomph. One problem i have now is he doesn't see point of going to uni and DS wants to go- he is trying to convince him to just get a job in retail or an office. One of things that drew me to DP was his love of simple things and his contentment but as time has gone on that has meant no meals out, cheap uk holidays no nice clothes and I love all the above. We have made it work gor us but is tough because we rarely see each other and live seperate lives - we should probably have split up many years ago but neither of us are unhappy. We rarely argue but the uni thing is creating tension as i want the best for our son but he says you can get contentment t from a very simple life.

I think you’re getting a hard time here op. I am extremely ambitious. My husband is the opposite. He’d happily never work and would never work any job harder than needs must. HOWEVER he has passion and drive, he is the best father and husband, he has such zeal over those he loves and his ambition is in loving his family fully. It’s beautiful. It’s not about money, it’s about seeing passion and commitment, a love of life and sense of purpose, a zest of life. Even without career and money a person can still have that. You can still grab life with enthusiasm . It doesn’t sound like your dh does. His attitude sounds bland. An approach that suggests life is drudgery. To be suffered rather than LIVED. And his own description of low level depression, to me, would ring true.

One thing I’ve learned in life is people don’t change for you they only change for themselves if they want to.

He is who he is either accept it or walk away.

@MHnursingmamaI do understand you to some degree and I have experienced similar. Me and DH earn the same, we both have the potential to earn double if we went private. We have children together , get sick pay and have reasonably well paid comfortable non stress professional /vocational jobs.
I’ve sometimes struggled with the fact DH isn’t more ambitious and have come to terms with this being who he is. We have been together since 16 so those saying ‘didn’t you realise he wouldn’t change’ - well no, we were kids and you are naive. I’m a therapist and have had to have a lot of my own therapy as well during this to come to terms with my own beliefs, values and realities of life. It is unfair for me to expect change from DH when I wouldn’t want to make the move to more ambitious high paying roles.
I instead focus on, his stability, his kindness, his fantastic hands on and loving parenting, (great in bed also), so I’ve come to terms with having actually hit the jackpot and truly ‘the grass not being greener’. I know lots of ambitious career driven men and this wouldn’t work for me in reality, I don’t want a man who has to be consumed by ambition and drive, I want a present husband and dad and that’s what I’ve got. Upsides and downsides as is life for everyone and every personality! Hope you settle into it and maybe when the children are older things may actually feel or be different

But - you chose him and had a kid with him KNOWING all of this stuff already!! He has never changed.

you seem to want validation that it’s his fault if you get divorced, for being too unambitious and boring, so that people don’t think you are crazy, rather that it’s him.

but that isn’t fair. Get divorced if you want, but own it. Yes, he’s unambitious and boring, but you knew that and married and had a kid with him anyway. That was selfish. You made a mistake, and that’s fine, we all do it, but you won’t be getting any validation from me that it’s all his fault.

Madame Bovary Syndrome.

You need to search for the silver lining... Oh, I feel a song coming on, everybody now:

Look for the silver lining
Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining
And so the right thing to do is make it shine for you.
A heart full of joy and gladness
Will always banish sadness and strife.
So always look for the silver lining
And try to find the sunny side of life.

Sing up!

People can leave marriages for whatever reason they want. It's not just the lack of ambition at work that bothers you but the fact that he is uncommunicative at home with no interests or enthusiasm for family life.

His first marriage broke down. Was that for similar reasons?

He told me last night that he feels indifferent about himself. Not good or bad just indifferent, hes agreed to go and see the GP. We'll see how things go

He did say that he isolated himself. Like after work he would spend a bit of time with their child and then just do his own thing.

But if it’s not about money, why would you want him to have a side job? On top of his full time job?? Surely the only reason people would do that would be for the money?

And you want him to have a “successful” career - how are you defining successful? Because he likes his job, which would be one measure of success, but clearly not the type of successful you are after.

So I’m not sure I totally believe that there isn’t a financial element here.

Do you have a side job?