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Original poster

Am I being horrible about DH?

56 replies

MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 22:33

So not sure where to start really. Ive been with my husband since 2013 and we have a son together. Im not sure if we are compatible or if most men are like this and our relationship is normal.
My husband is a quiet, reserved person and he's never been particularly full of life or shown much motivation. He has worked in the same okay job for over 20 years and despite being intelligent does not want a career of any kind 'a job is just a job' he says.
Hes kind in many ways, wouldn't cheat on me no addictions etc but I just cant help but compare him to his friends who all have successful careers, side jobs and just seem to have a bit more oomph about them. Im just not sure that this is enough, or am I asking too much that he at least tries to get a job with some prospects and sick pay? . I feel like such a bitch though as hes a nice guy. Just dont know what to do really.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 27/07/2025 09:27

helloall987 · 27/07/2025 01:00

My DP is a bit like this. Works in a quite mundane job but is happy. I'm degree educated and have more of a career based job. He is happy at home pottering I love being social and going out doing stuff he doesn't . I do stuff with friends - he stays home. He is a lovely guy just lacks oomph. One problem i have now is he doesn't see point of going to uni and DS wants to go- he is trying to convince him to just get a job in retail or an office. One of things that drew me to DP was his love of simple things and his contentment but as time has gone on that has meant no meals out, cheap uk holidays no nice clothes and I love all the above. We have made it work gor us but is tough because we rarely see each other and live seperate lives - we should probably have split up many years ago but neither of us are unhappy. We rarely argue but the uni thing is creating tension as i want the best for our son but he says you can get contentment t from a very simple life.

Ah for feck sake , your son wants to go to UNI , well done him 👏, I’m sure your husband is a nice/ good man , but catch him by the shoulders & give him a shake ! Your son deserves to be supported in his choices , especially positive ones like education & UNI ..
He can be whatever he wants to be 🙌..
Your husband is happy out with his life & that’s cool too , but that’s just it , that’s his life & your son had his own life too ..🙂

PollyHutchen · 27/07/2025 09:33

I think if you get together when relatively young, there's also a reasonable assumption that both partners will change to an extent. Sometimes people will want to change jobs, to retrain, to gain qualifications. If physical work becomes more tiring, people may wish to find a role - perhaps in the same industry - which is more supervisory.

But some people prefer just to stay ticking over. Whether it's because they're afraid of change, I don't know - being a more restless sort f person myself.

I do believe it's okay to leave someone because you are bored with them - even if they are fundamentally decent. It's about compatibility in the longer term. It's also very much about the kinds of values you want to convey to your children - I would say that even if you differ, there has to be common ground and mutual respect.

pinkglitter12 · 27/07/2025 09:38

Do you have a promising career and a sucessful side hustle? Or is it just supposed to be him?

Dippythedino · 27/07/2025 09:40

MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:11

I never said this was about money

It is about money though because if he had side jobs and a successful career, it would inevitably pay more. Why did you marry someone who you don't share similar values to? That's on you for making that mistake; people aren't supposed to change to please their partner. That's wrong and very emotionally manipulative of you to expect this of him.

Where is your drive, ambition and success or are you expecting your dh just to provide this for you both.

Missj25 · 27/07/2025 09:41

BigOldBlobsy · 27/07/2025 07:00

@MHnursingmamaI do understand you to some degree and I have experienced similar. Me and DH earn the same, we both have the potential to earn double if we went private. We have children together , get sick pay and have reasonably well paid comfortable non stress professional /vocational jobs.
I’ve sometimes struggled with the fact DH isn’t more ambitious and have come to terms with this being who he is. We have been together since 16 so those saying ‘didn’t you realise he wouldn’t change’ - well no, we were kids and you are naive. I’m a therapist and have had to have a lot of my own therapy as well during this to come to terms with my own beliefs, values and realities of life. It is unfair for me to expect change from DH when I wouldn’t want to make the move to more ambitious high paying roles.
I instead focus on, his stability, his kindness, his fantastic hands on and loving parenting, (great in bed also), so I’ve come to terms with having actually hit the jackpot and truly ‘the grass not being greener’. I know lots of ambitious career driven men and this wouldn’t work for me in reality, I don’t want a man who has to be consumed by ambition and drive, I want a present husband and dad and that’s what I’ve got. Upsides and downsides as is life for everyone and every personality! Hope you settle into it and maybe when the children are older things may actually feel or be different

👌 ❤️

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2025 09:48

You say 'you never said this was about money' but then talk about how you don't want to live next to someone who says fuck all of the time? So, I'm presuming you wished you could move, but can't? So, if he earned more, you could?

So it is about money?

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