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Relationships

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Original poster

Close friend going to ex’s wedding

74 replies

Morro1985 · 26/07/2025 20:17

Just as it reads, so to summarise: I have a good friend who I met when our children were 7 years old (they are still great friends and are 23 now!) I remember when we met, she and I clicked straight away and as the years went by we were close and regularly met for walks, dinners out, couples’ dinners and drinks, and so on.

I went through a really bad separation and subsequent divorce five years ago. He cheated and left, I wanted to do counseling but he had already decided to stay with his new partner. At Christmas (bad timing) he told me he got engaged but was vague and said no date was set. I continued to meet this friend and we would go walking and talk and reflect quite a lot on things (she said her sister in law went through the same thing).

Just 2 months ago, she revealed to me that they were in fact getting married (before he had told me) and the date was set, but what she did not reveal (which I found out from ds) was that she and her husband were going to the wedding.

I feel outraged and betrayed (and also furious at myself for having confided in her). At the same time, she and her husband are very good people. I do know what to do, my first reaction was to not meet her again as I find it very hard to be friends with someone and to hold back massively on discussing personal information. My ex and I are amicable but I am absolutely not friends with his new partner. I feel like there is no going back, that I’ll have to distance myself from her.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Mumlaplomb · 26/07/2025 20:22

Ah that’s a tough one OP, I can see how hurt you must feel. I assume her husband is friends with your husband and she is going as the plus one? It sounds like she has been there for you following the separation, so it would be a shame to lose her as a friend. However she should have told you she was going to the wedding so I would mention you are hurt she held that back and see how she reacts.

Original poster

Morro1985 · 26/07/2025 20:59

I think that is good advice, but strangely enough my ex and her husband were never very good friends.

OP posts:

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 21:03

Morro1985 · 26/07/2025 20:59

I think that is good advice, but strangely enough my ex and her husband were never very good friends.

But they've remained in touch enough to be invited to the wedding?

tripleginandtonic · 26/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn't loae a good friend over this.

HollyBough · 26/07/2025 21:07

tripleginandtonic · 26/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn't loae a good friend over this.

Nor I. Infidelity and divorces are messy. It’s unreasonable to think someone has to take sides.

Humanswarm · 26/07/2025 21:10

If she's a close friend, ask her how the invite has come about. It doesn't have to be in a defensive way. Just ask. And explain that it's come as a shock to you, you didn't realise she was still close.to your ex and it makes you feel upset to have shared so much with her if that's the case. Her response will tell you all you need to know and you can then decide to continue the friendship or not. If you don't feel comfortable asking that, perhaps you're not as close as you think anyway.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 26/07/2025 21:10

tripleginandtonic · 26/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn't loae a good friend over this.

I absolutely would. They’ve shown you their true colours, they aren’t good friends,

Beanie567 · 26/07/2025 21:11

It’s a bit odd that she actively chose not to tell you she’s been invited to and will be attending his wedding. I’d be really upset and no, I wouldn’t confide in her any more. She’s not your friend.

andgoodnessknows · 26/07/2025 21:11

I disagree with PP. If her husband isn’t particularly good friends with him, then it’s not ‘good friend’ behaviour for her to go to his wedding. Why on earth would she need or want to watch him marry his mistress? Not saying she has to hate him on your behalf but you can wish someone well without actually going and celebrating them in person.

Enrichetta · 26/07/2025 21:11

I continued to meet this friend and we would go walking and talk and reflect quite a lot on things (she said her sister in law went through the same thing).

you confided in her, so she knows how cut up you still are about the breakup, and yet she never let on that she was planning to attend the wedding?

I don’t think she is a true friend. I’d take a huge step back.

AAudreyHorne · 26/07/2025 21:16

Sounds like the friendship is more between her and your ex than her DH and your ex.
For that reason, I'd step back, especially from speaking from the heart to her.

I'm in a similar situation, one of my 'close' friends has stayed in close contact with my ex and I have also had to step back from the friendship. It hurts, but safer to do now I think.

CinnamonBuns67 · 26/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't lose a mate over this. If I was in your friends position I'd have not told you either because he's your ex and it is none of your business.

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 21:18

Just re read op and it's been 5 years since divorce, maybe they've become close in that time?

Hodgemollar · 26/07/2025 21:18

I think you would be being very over the top to cut a good friend out of your life because she is still friends with your ex, personally.

fthisfthatfeverything · 26/07/2025 21:26

She should have told you.

Original poster

Morro1985 · 26/07/2025 21:31

Lots of good advice here, I don’t want to throw away her friendship but unfortunately I’ll have to step back a little and that changes the nature of our friendship. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and I don’t believe that friends always have to take sides, but after everything I am very uncomfortable with the idea that any discussions we had could have been casually shared with my ex and his partner.

OP posts:

Lavenderandbrown · 26/07/2025 21:42

I had a similar situation op. A very painful divorce with infidelity verbal abuse escalating into physical abuse. My friend and confident during the divorce decided to become his friend and confident post divorce also. I regretted telling her so much of my divorce story. She invited him to dinner (always with her DHand DC) and sat with him at dance recitals and competitions. Another very astute friend said to me…..how many of your friends are in contact with ex? And you know what…only her. I ended the friendship but it made the decision easy when ex repeated something he could have only heard from her. Loyalty is important to me and sometimes
people do have to choose you

Beanfry · 26/07/2025 21:54

She would be no friend of mine. When I went through a hard separation with a web of lies and infidelity, I had a friend that I had met through my ex, we became very close and during the break up she told him that she thought he was out of order for what he had done. Over time though she kept in contact with him and even went on holiday with him & the OW. I decided it was better to remove her from my life entirely, and she never once put up a fight in me doing so, that told me everything I needed to know. My true friends wouldn’t have pissed on him if he was on fire and immediately removed him from their lives due to the pain and damage he caused.

HollyBough · 26/07/2025 22:02

Morro1985 · 26/07/2025 21:31

But that’s a very different thing to being invited to his wedding, surely? I went to the post-divorce wedding of a friend who had been married to another good friend of ours. It didn’t mean we were close, or that I’d approved of his infidelity.

MyHonestFaves · 26/07/2025 22:04

Your reaction is completely understandable. She may not have meant harm, but it still feels like a betrayal, especially after how much you confided in her. It’s okay to take space and protect your boundaries. If the friendship no longer feels safe or supportive, it’s okay to step back.

Gingercar · 26/07/2025 22:12

I had a nasty breakup and a friend was wonderfully supportive. But she and her husband had been colleagues with my ex, and were invited to, and went to, his wedding. They were quite sneery about the invitation, and I understood that they were trying to make me laugh, but I decided that I needed to step away for a while. It helped that I was just moving back to my home town. Life got busy and I didn’t see them for nearly a decade. But it was lovely to catch up with them again.

JasmineIndigo · 26/07/2025 22:18

That's a tricky situation, we are in the same kind of dilemma with our next door neighbour. We like both her and her ex, and don't want to get caught up with taking sides. Just because someone is a rubbish husband, doesn't mean that he is a terrible friend to other people. But we don't talk about either one with the other and there is no reason to think that your friend has been passing on your confidences to your ex.

healthybychristmas · 26/07/2025 22:31

I would feel so betrayed by this that the friendship would be over. She let you confide in her, knowing she was still friends with both of them.

Lighteningstrikes · 26/07/2025 23:18

She knows the pain and devastation you went through when your ex-H cheated on you, and yet she has the gall to go to their wedding.

That would be the end for me. She’s not a loyal friend, and I could never see her in the same light again.

BrownBirdsFly · 26/07/2025 23:33

Perhaps the people who say stay friends haven’t experienced divorce due to infidelity. I would take a massive step back. I have no time for people with splinters in their bum from sitting on the fence. I lost some friends but let everyone make their own choice about who to spend their time with - I just wasn’t prepared to share a room with someone who also shared a space with my ex.

Sorry for the pain. Good luck

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