Close friend going to ex’s wedding

[Morro1985]

Just as it reads, so to summarise: I have a good friend who I met when our children were 7 years old (they are still great friends and are 23 now!) I remember when we met, she and I clicked straight away and as the years went by we were close and regularly met for walks, dinners out, couples’ dinners and drinks, and so on.

I went through a really bad separation and subsequent divorce five years ago. He cheated and left, I wanted to do counseling but he had already decided to stay with his new partner. At Christmas (bad timing) he told me he got engaged but was vague and said no date was set. I continued to meet this friend and we would go walking and talk and reflect quite a lot on things (she said her sister in law went through the same thing).

Just 2 months ago, she revealed to me that they were in fact getting married (before he had told me) and the date was set, but what she did not reveal (which I found out from ds) was that she and her husband were going to the wedding.

I feel outraged and betrayed (and also furious at myself for having confided in her). At the same time, she and her husband are very good people. I do know what to do, my first reaction was to not meet her again as I find it very hard to be friends with someone and to hold back massively on discussing personal information. My ex and I are amicable but I am absolutely not friends with his new partner. I feel like there is no going back, that I’ll have to distance myself from her.

Any advice?

It kind of does.

I’m surprised by your friend and by PP here, OP.

It’s not as if you and your ex drifted apart or broke up by mutual consent. He cheated and dumped you for the other woman, whom he is now marrying. I can’t imagine staying in touch with a man who did that to someone I care about. Let alone make friends with his affair partner!

One very simple reason: I don’t like people who hurt my friends. I’m not going to slash their car tyres, but don’t expect me to celebrate with them.

Your ‘friend’ and her husband are not the good people you describe them as. They sound insensitive and callous to me.

I’m afraid your long friendship is another casualty of your ex’s cheating with OW.

Exactly. You could hardly show your approval more strongly than by attending the cheating lovers’ wedding!

Two of my closest friends got divorced last year. I love them both dearly and I hope I have remained a good friend to both of them they have both confided in me and I have never shared opinions or comments about the other.
I assume your friend is the same. Please don't lose a good friend over jealousy that she's remained friends with him too

In what capacity is she invited to the wedding, do you know?

If she’s stayed best friends with your ex that’s quite a different situation to being invited as a plus one because your ex’s new partner and her partner are colleagues or something like that.

It would have been better for her to tell you though. Is your DS completely sure of his facts?

I think it's the circumstances of the split & the divorce that are important.
If two people mutually agreed to split & split amicably then of course it's easy to stay friends with both and their subsequent new partners if they have them.

Here it's different because the ex cheated on the OP and is marrying the OW. The OP's friend is close enough to the OP for the OP to have confided in her & knows full well the hurt and upset the ex & OW caused her.

In this case, I think the friend is being disloyal and insensitive to the OP.

If I were you, OP, I would feel hurt & betrayed & would be angry that your friend is legitimising a relationship that began in a cruel and tawdry way by going to the wedding.

I think you should tell your friend how you feel & why & then step back from the friendship.
Sometimes stepping up and showing loyalty to friends is required. By letting you confide in her & supporting you as she did this friend "took sides". If she was staying friends with your ex too she shouldn't have done that.

Anyone who stays close friends with someone who’s caused you so much pain isn’t your friend, in my eyes. I’d step back.

I would have to step back from the friendship

She hid this information for weeks , she is not Your friend

Double post

Agree

You have every right to raise this with her. It’s a real betrayal. Hear her side of the story first, but it would be entirely natural for you to pull away.

@Morro1985 perhaps a different perspective. I had friends split who were together for a decade. Both have since remarried. I went to both weddings. There was cheating involved. I’m friends with both still.

I have a very very strict rule of not talking about one of them to the other. It works. Both sides knew no gossip or personal info would go back and forth and that clear boundary enabled me to stay friends with both.

I’m not saying that you aren’t right to back away from this friendship and not share personal info. But, if your friend has very clear morals and boundaries about this your friendship could continue fine.

Step back. Just a bit. Makes room in your life for new friendships and life but leaves the door open in case your feelings soften or more information comes to light about why she didn’t tell you etc.

I would say in this case it doesn't seem as though the boundaries were as clear as you presumably made them if the OP is surprised & shocked that the friend is going to the ex's wedding.

She has disrespected you by accepting the invitation and not telling you. She is entitled to go to the wedding but by making that choice she is showing you she doesn't value your friendship. She knows what he did to you and how it has affected you.

As others have said she is not your friend. Tread carefully, if she does tell you , stay cool and calm when responding. She will be expecting an emotional response from you which she will use to justify staying quiet.

I didn’t realise there would be so much reaction to this! Even though I want to be reasonable and not lose a friend, I think “unbelievable 22” is completely right - she was there when he dropped me and knew how it affected me. She accepted the invitation and she never said anything about it to me.

Genuinely, she could be trying to balance between having me as a friend and being friends with them. But, I’m an introvert and I have a few close friends and I can be very open with them. Knowing that I have to draw a line now kind of ruins my friendship with her.

Also, I have worked a lot on myself and realising who I am and what I want and to be honest, I am going to choose me. That means taking a step back and probably losing the friendship because it does not seem acceptable to me the way this has played out.

I would rather spend my time with people who genuinely are honest with me and who I feel I can confide in.

I would end the friendship. You are meant to be her friend. He cheated on you and is marrying his affair partners and she is going to their wedding. She has NO LOTALTY to you at all. She saw you hurt, in pain and grieving because the choices he made. In my experience men aren't really that good at staying in touch and maintaining relationships so I'd imagine that she is maintaining the contact and the friendship. I couldn't trust her moving forward and I don't need friends that I have to be guarded with.

I’d drop her like a hot potato.

Cheating involves removal of informed sexual consent, removal of personal agency, putting your primary partner at risk of STIs and multiple abusive behaviours, lying, manipulation, gaslighting lighting etc

If someone is my friend they wouldn’t be impartial to this happening to me.

Nope, I have higher standards in my friendships.

Good on you OP. It’s up to you what kind of people you let into your life.

If a man hurts a friend of mine I will forever quietly scorn that man until friend says otherwise. I want that same loyalty from friends.

I want the type of friends that would phone me and say “You’ll never guess who’s invited me to his poxy wedding! As if I would go after how he treated you!”

I’ve just read this and you’d be right, you deserve better. Your feelings matter and tbh I don’t know what the point of friendships are, if it’s not to show that someone has YOUR back through the tough times. She did not and does not. This kind of thing really breaks your ability to trust, so I hope you have other friends who have put you first instead of sitting on that fence!

@Morro1985 the trust is gone. You will always be silently questioning or doubting her words and motives.
It's no longer the friendship you thought it was. Concentrate on developing and nurturing the relationships with those who are honest with you.
You are on the right path. Well done to you for all your hard work to date.

It’s hard for people who are expected to take sides and you can’t dictate who is friends with who. They are clearly a lot closer than you thought.

You don’t have to be close to be invited to a wedding, though.