Are you happy in your marriage if you’re late 50’s/60’s

[Iyda]

Just as the title says really. If you’re still in the same marriage are you happy? Or are you comfortable but missing something? Or are you thinking you’ve still got time ahead of you to make a change?

I read somewhere that “grey divorce” is on the rise, as life expectancy and indeed, people’s expectations rise. Whereas perhaps 20, even 10 years ago people may have just “stuck it out,” now 60 is the new 50, or perhaps a bit younger.

With adult kids having (mostly) left the nest, some couples realise they don’t really get on anymore and decide to seek their freedom/embark on new relationships and life experiences with time still ahead of them to do what they want and have a new lease of life. I do think society is less judgemental now about people divorcing in later life and 60 is still young! You could have another 25/35 years ahead of you.

The other interesting thing is that I think men age mentally at this time in their lives quicker than women - they become entrenched, less socially inclined, more stubborn, less willing to explore possibilities and open themselves up to new experiences. The woman may find herself with someone who she can’t grow with anymore, who doesn’t really want to do all the things beyond the life they already have. Of course this isn’t true of everyone.

I'm extremely happy, and glad to be with him. We are still very much in love after all these years. He's my absolute rock.

Yes, very happy.

Dc's have flown the nest and its just us. But he is my best friend and we share the same stupid (and sometimes dark) sense of humour, we have plenty of shared interests, and we are both pretty laid back. We have our inside jokes and we make each laugh and we both still feel like we are in our 20's. 😂

But we also still fancy each other, still have sex regularly and its still bloody good, have affection, have each others backs and are a bloody great team.

I can't imagine my life without the massive buffoon. 😅

Other than my kids he is literally my favourite person in the whole world and I bloody love the bones off him and the feeling is mutual.

Are you fishing for an article or something? What's your experience/view on this?

Yes perfectly happy. Children left home over 10 years ago.

We make a great team

Mid 50's and married 30 years. Still very very happy with loads of common interests.

We have lots of fun together but are both getting involved separately in local groups and trying new things. DH recently getting heavily involved in the local music scene and doing DJ sets , he's joined a writers group and another interest group linked to music. We go out dancing at a local music bar most Friday nights or go to gigs together.

I've got involved in local politics and am now an elected councillor. Joined a book club , a walking group , get involved in local volunteering and charity events.

Our DC are almost 20 and just turned 17 so we are not empty nesters just yet but have managed a couple of holidays just the two of us recently and plan lots more travel together.

I don’t recognise the picture you’re painting of either marriage or men of this age, are you writing an article?

We are very happy indeed, been rtd for 8 years together.
I am 64 he is 69.

I too would like to know the reason for asking

Yes happy as can be. Married 23 years at the end of August. 54 and 56. Still have 17yo at home but can only see things improving going forward. We have more time as a couple and with friends. We are planning to retire in 5 years and really looking forward to more holidays and days out.
We do have interests of our own, which I think is really important.

Early 50s here, DH late 50s, I totally recognise what you are describing and am increasingly dissatisfied and unhappy. If nothing changes we will be divorced in the next five years.

@Iyda The other interesting thing is that I think men age mentally at this time in their lives quicker than women - they become entrenched, less socially inclined, more stubborn, less willing to explore possibilities and open themselves up to new experiences.

Do you have any evidence for this, beyond the anecdotal?

We are 55 and 52 and very happy. He's my 2nd DH though - been together 17 years.

I’m miserable. Have been for a long time. I stayed initially because I’m alone in life, not much family and my husband and children were my everything in every way so I wasn’t willing to break that. Now the children are older and I’m even more unfulfilled and sad I’m getting to the point where I’m tired of feeling this way and deserving of more. I just don’t know how to navigate being without a person who has lived with me for 20 years, even though he’s a dick.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Being divorced is wonderful!

I divorced at 50 and ten years on both exh and I are still single!

No point divorcing at 60 I would say. Certainly not likely to meet someone new at that age (have you seen the calibre of men online dating?)

Also If you feel fit and well now you might not consider what life is like as a single person in your 60s if you become unwell. Happened to me and knocked me sideways and I had always been fit and healthy.

I’m very late 50s husband is mid 60s , I’m very happy and he’s the best husband anyone could have , wouldn’t change a thing

I'm really happy in mine, been together 10 years. But! - it's my second marriage. I met him in my mid 50s. I think if you're unhappy, it's worth pulling the plug. Especially as single life (if it turns that way) is more fun than being with someone who sucks the joy out of life. YMMV.

Just interesting how a lot of the social stigma has changed around divorce, so I think people feel less inclined in their 50’s & 60’s to stay in marriages that they realise aren’t working for them. I will try and find the article. People hopefully don’t feel “old” as they approach 60 or move into the years beyond and so, for some, it’s easy to call time on a long-standing partnership that just doesn’t work any more.

Then you get people on the exact opposite side of the coin as some responses here already show - people grow together, through good times and bad and stay together. Then you get the couples like my parents (late 70’s) who are not really “together” in the traditional sense - just familiar companions who co-exist but no sex (hasn’t been for decades!) So they fall into the category of people who nearly divorced many times and actually went through a good few numbers of years hating each other’s guts but because they are both traditionalists and wanted to keep the family together they just stuck it out. I think this type of marriage might be a dying breed though. I think we now see less of the Stick-it-Outers and more and more of the polarised extremes in this age group - either happily married, frequent sex, nice companionship OR we’re done, we are strangers, no sex, no companionship to write home about and therefore divorce

My parents' generation (now dying out) very much had the approach that marriage was for life, at whatever cost. Which meant, to put it bluntly, waiting patiently for the other one to die...!

I remember this being a real stumbling-block for me when I ended my first marriage, because that notion of a lifetime of mutual devotion is so powerful that I could not forgive myself for acting on the fact that "mutual devotion" certainly did not characterise the relationship I had with DH#1. I had observed my parents making endless compromises rather than split up, which would have been unthinkable (and not for religious reasons). So I felt obliged to do the same, and selfish/crazy for deciding against it.

Posters have asked about you, @Iyda - but you haven’t answered that question.

Over here, married aged 29 (both the same age), now 60. 31st wedding anniversary at the end of next month.

Still in love. I don’t want anyone to have to reach for the sick bucket, but I love him more now than on our wedding day (which incidentally was 10 months after we met, and my mother gave it a year. As the years went by, this became more and more embarrassing for her).

We both retired early last year. We are having a blast, doing everything we said we wanted to do when retired. Finishing work really rocks.

We don’t have any kids (I did not want them and he was always in agreement with this because, old fashioned though it might sound to younger MNetters, he took the view that it was ‘up to the woman’). I have often wondered if this might have been a factor in our long marriage running so smoothly…but who knows. We are both so easy going with each other; would this have been possible with kids in the mix? We will never know, now.

My long marriage has been the biggest blessing of my life. I never expected to have it (I knew from a very young age that I would not be having children, and assumed that this would narrow the field to the extent that marriage would not be in the cards for me) but I cherish it, and DH, so much.

Sexually, things are not what they were but this is due to health issues on both sides. We do what we can though, and enjoy doing it 🙂

If he went under a bus tomorrow? There is no way whatsoever that I would embark on another relationship. I would never find someone like him. Honestly, I am SO lucky (if I say this to DH, he says ‘no, I am the lucky one’).

No idea if I have helped your OP or not, @Iyda … but a friend a couple of years older than me is currently divorcing so I do think that it’s never too late to change your life, if you want to, never. I also think that at our sort of time of life, then if you feel things need to change, you shouldn’t delay. Life is short, and it’s important to be happy. Looking at other people I know who have separated at this sort of time of life, I can see how this has made them so much happier and given them a new lease of life.

I do think that for us older people it might feel more difficult, I can imagine that if I felt like that myself it would feel like an almighty faff - but it would be an almighty faff that needed to be done, so I would put in place resources to do it.

Sorry for this long ramble x

Mid 60s, married nearly 40 years. We spend more time together now than at any point in our marriage and it’s brilliant. No work/kids settled/ no money stress. Laugh every day, have regular sex and a lifetime of memories.

But we’re not atypical ( don’t know about the sex). Nearly all of our friends are in happy partnerships - second marriages for some. Being in equal partnerships ( I think women of my generation have worked for a long time and have financial power within the relationship) means that you can find a way through.

This question has appeared here before, not long ago, and it was mainly the happily marrieds who responded, so you’re not going to get an accurate response from people. If you’re unhappily married in your 50s/60s you’re less likely to answer I would imagine. I’m happily divorced btw (late 50s) with no interest in finding another partner.

Been together almost 20 years but he’s my second dh. He never stops trying to make me happy and goes to the ends of the earth for my kids. I am so blessed to have him and appreciate him.

Together 31 years, married 28.

After a rough spot 3 years ago, happier than ever. No children, so quite selfish in spending lots of time together.

Absolutely adore him.

To balance, my brother has not long separated after 30 years...said he saw his retirement and didn't like the future.