Are you happy in your marriage if you’re late 50’s/60’s

[Iyda]

Just as the title says really. If you’re still in the same marriage are you happy? Or are you comfortable but missing something? Or are you thinking you’ve still got time ahead of you to make a change?

I read somewhere that “grey divorce” is on the rise, as life expectancy and indeed, people’s expectations rise. Whereas perhaps 20, even 10 years ago people may have just “stuck it out,” now 60 is the new 50, or perhaps a bit younger.

With adult kids having (mostly) left the nest, some couples realise they don’t really get on anymore and decide to seek their freedom/embark on new relationships and life experiences with time still ahead of them to do what they want and have a new lease of life. I do think society is less judgemental now about people divorcing in later life and 60 is still young! You could have another 25/35 years ahead of you.

The other interesting thing is that I think men age mentally at this time in their lives quicker than women - they become entrenched, less socially inclined, more stubborn, less willing to explore possibilities and open themselves up to new experiences. The woman may find herself with someone who she can’t grow with anymore, who doesn’t really want to do all the things beyond the life they already have. Of course this isn’t true of everyone.

I've been married for over 30 years to a decent man who is very nice, but who I am no longer happy with. We hardly communicate and haven't had sex in many years. I can't bear the thought of another 30 years like this and I am at the start of finding a way out. It's awful really.

Second marriage for us both, I'm 61 he's 71, we've been together 30 years, very happy and still very much in love. I wish we'd met sooner in life.

Not unhappy, possibly a bit bored at times, (probably the same for him..I'm boring!) but we muddle along together ok, are still totally committed, and while we don't have much in common we do still like each other! We have different hobbies which help!
I think that post 50 my natural state would be to live alone but that might be menopause talking! One of our adult children has special needs and will always live with us so we will be actively parenting forever.
I think we will be together til one of us croaks, and that's ok :)

I think most people ponder this when they’re getting older but I think to myself good luck finding anything better.
Unless you go for someone younger who is bound to oiss you off eventually or get an older man with divorce and older children.
no thanks, I’d rather work on my marriage so I don’t feel like that.

I’ve been married over thirty years and I won’t pretend it’s all easy. But we have always been opposites! And he is a strong character!

But we do love and respect one another, we chat and have a laugh and we do still enjoy sex but not as frequently as before. We delight in our adult dc when they come to see us or vice versa. And we share a love of dogs.

Dh hasn’t retired yet and that’s going to be interesting. You have to adapt and change all the time as a couple individually as well as together. It can go wrong when one party in a relationship gets stuck.

I sometimes meet divorced friends of both sexes in their sixties who have lost weight, got fit, started travelling,taken up different hobbies, but who can’t find a compatible partner that they get on with, and I think it’s a shame they couldn’t bring those changes about within their original marriage.

Obviously this doesn’t apply if the marriage is abusive or downright miserable. Then you are both better off out of it.

From what I have heard though, it is difficult forming new relationships after a long term marriage if you have adult dc.

I was very happy. He retired and I didn’t. It’s caused significant issues. I resent his free time and pension (I was the one who always gave jobs up due to childcare or took low paid part time roles). He has started doing the cooking and some diy but he’s not happy that I “tell him what to do” even though he doesn’t do anything instinctively.
i am hoping it’s just a blip.

Agree - us too.

You're rather focused on how much sex over 60s couples are having, OP 🤔

My divorce came through when I was 52 (I started the divorce a couple of years earlier, he was very obstructive all the way through).

We'd been married 29 years at the time of our divorce. He basically totally ignored me, I was just there to take care of the children (one with disabilities), the house, all the admin, and for sex. And then there was his very heavy drinking. That's why I divorced. Stuck it out for too long really. I'm much happier now.

@Abracadabra12345 @olderbutwiser @IAmNotYourZiggaZigAhhh

I wonder also if phishing for an article.

But thank you to posters. Loving the responses. Great Sunday morning reading.

Married 37 years. We're 59/62 and retiring next year. That we are looking forward to. Currently looking for our final house. Both DC grown up but one extended study (PhD).
I'd never marry again. I've also been ill and my DH cried buckets when I got the diagnosis (not seen that since his mother died in 2007).I'm trying to get everything in order as I've been the bigger earner.. I don't want to leave things in a mess.
I look at friends husbands and there's not one I'd swap for mine. They're usually controlling and abusive.
My husband is still attractive and very kind. Our problems have all been financial or about carering throughout our marriage. We had my parents live with us and that nearly finished us off. One DC is also SEN. We're a mixed heritage family and we were given a year by everyone. We tried harder I think because we wanted to prove everyone wrong. However the key is we like each other.

@YachtiesIt was the same when my (older) husband retired and I carried on in my semi-retired role. There wasn’t a subsequent shift / balancing out in domestic roles, and that caused a lot of friction. It’s worse for you if you’re working full time. There should be this realisation for themselves, not us having to “ give them orders”!

It never fully resolved until I retired myself. However, he did and does take on the bulk of grocery shopping

I hope things settle for you

I can imagine the extra resentment if you’re not able to retire because as you say, you’ve had to do the lesser-paid jobs to make it work as a family and so he could take on the higher-paid jobs, of which he is now reaping the benefits in terms of pension and free time

Not 100% happy here....

We've drifted apart, the relationship feels empty to me. We're going through the motions

Both early 50's.

Physical relationship stopped about 5 years ago,

Too many reasons, but a lot of turmoil in past 10 years, deaths of family members, falling out with family....

I've done whatever I've been asked.

I don't know if we just fell out of love with each other

I'm at a crossroads in my life

Some mornings I think about walking away from it all, cannot see our future together

Divorced at 58. Never regretted it.

My first ever post so I hope I do this correctly.
I am in my late 50s, 2nd marriage .... 1st husband was physically, financially and mentally abusive, well shot of him.
Second husband is mostly a good man but I now regret marrying him. The thought of being with him for the rest of my life is grim. I just want to live alone, I also know the issue is me and my husband doesn't deserve to be made unhappy just because I'm a contrary woman.

One thing I find disappointing in this thread is the amount of comments about the difficulty of finding a new partner, why does a woman need to have a partner, why can't she live one.
Why are we still as a society pushing women into marriage?

@Pinkfreedom So sorry to hear you feel you've made a mistake. I'll never forget a ferry ride many years ago with a woman in her 60s who had remarried. Her first husband had been wonderful, and she just assumed that's what marriage was like. Imagine her shock when DH#2 turned out to be a total wanker! I hope she left him. It must be awful to go from good to bad, rather than the other way round (the contrast with my first marriage, now, always makes me rejoice!).

Agree that the single life has much to recommend it (I really enjoyed mine for many years). But so does married life, with the right person, and it makes me sad that people just assume you'll never meet someone after a certain age. I did.

That is exactly the issue !

"One thing I find disappointing in this thread is the amount of comments about the difficulty of finding a new partner, why does a woman need to have a partner, why can't she live alone?"

THIS!

No one needs a new partner if they don’t want one but having been divorced for ten years, I know it is easier practically and financially to maintain a home if there are two of you, especially when you reach retirement.

I have found it harder to live alone the older I have got. Didn’t think twice in my 50s when I divorced as I was too busy working and enjoying my family and social life. There is a big difference between 50 and 60 and I don’t agree with op that 60 is ‘young.’ It’s when you slow down a bit and you might start suffering from health issues for a start. Doing all the house stuff starts to get more difficult. I carried the hoover up and downstairs the other day, then went up in the loft then took some stuff down the tip. I wondered to myself, How much longer will I be able to whizz around doing this? Everything gets physically more difficult. Two of you can support each other or muddle through together.

On this thread I think there are some lovely positive replies and I am surprised so many people are happy in their relationships. Good luck to you!

Yes. We need each other, we believe in one another. (Guess where we were last night) x

The other side of that coin, @Hitlist is that as a couple ages, it’s almost inevitable that one of them will become the other’s carer. In a situation of mutual love and respect it should feel like a privilege to care for one’s partner. But it would be utter misery to find yourself stuck with someone you’ve already resented, feared or disliked for years. Or, on the other hand, a very new partner for/with whom you’ve built up very limited loyalty. That would be an awful prospect.

If men age faster according to you @Iyda , how come so many more men work than women in their fifties, sixties and seventies?
The Government has identified a growing trend amongst women to give up paid employment earlier than men since COVID. There is an expectation that men will continue to carry the financial burden.
Look uo MN's responses to this situation. Lots of posters reckon women find paid work harder as they age.
I am in my seventies, married forever. Love my husband to bits.
PS we do a lot of grandchild care and both of us manage some part time work.
There is also evidence that living alone can lead to social isolation which can be a factor in developing dementia.

We’re both mid 50s, married 30 years (together 35) and still very happy. Our dc are in the process of leaving home (25yo dd1 has her own flat now, 23yo ds is kind of halfway between home and his girlfriend, 21yo dd2 has an appointment tomorrow with a mortgage advisor about buying her own place with her boyfriend) and we’re starting to think about downsizing as dh heads towards retirement in 10 years (I’m disabled and can’t work). We still love spending time together, enjoying having holidays just the 2 of us, sex is good, we’re happy! We both come from parents who divorced and staying together has always been a priority for us both, so we’ve always worked at our relationship.

@Sunshine760 if you have something to say to me you should say it on this thread, which I notice you haven't actually posted on. I have no interest in receiving private messages from you and I will not be replying. Nor do I want to 'chat' to you privately on some dodgy looking app. I have reported your PMs.