Friend in denial about affair.

[AhBiscuits]

A couple of months ago one of the school dads contacted my friend and told her that her DH was having an affair with his DW. He had become suspicious, followed them and found them in a pub together. He confronted them and has now split from his DW.

My friend's DH denies an affair. He alleges that he's been having some mental health issues, this woman has been through them too and speaking to her has been helpful for him. They had a bit of a rocky time and she felt betrayed but ultimately she believes him.

The school dad was very frustrated with friend for buying this. This week he sent my friend loads of recent pictures of them together in different places. He'd paid a private investigator to follow them. My friend was very upset, because he had lied to her about where he was and who he was with on these occasions. But she STILL believes it's not an affair and talking to this woman is like therapy for him. She's spoken to the other woman who is supporting this story.

It's bollocks isn't it? Would you believe that?Do I try and make her see sense or just listen and be ready to support when it all crashes down? Now the other woman has been dumped by her husband, I fear it's a matter of time before my friend's husband leaves.

Why would a school dad pay for a private investigator?!

Of course they are having an affair, unfortunately shes massively in denial.

I would keep
out of it… just see what unfolds

Because he wants the man sleeping with his wife to suffer as much as he is probably!

Of course it’s bollocks. The old ‘mental health’ chestnut. Op your friend most likely knows but is in denial .

Even if they weren't having a physical affair it's massively inappropriate for a man in a supposedly monogamous marriage to go outside that marriage to seek emotional support from another woman. Especially when it's done secretively and involves one to one meet ups that look like dates!

However if she has been given explicit evidence from the OW's ex H and you have tried to convince her and she still won't see his betrayal there isn't a lot you can do.

Yes of course it’s bollocks. Not much you can do except be there for support. I wouldn’t be trying to make her see sense as it probably won’t help.

It’s no one else’s business but hers really. If she chooses to stay with him and brush it under the carpet she may have her reasons for doing that. No one should be bullying her into anything.

I had/have a friend like this. It's a miserable way for the victim to live, but that is her choice. There is nothing you can do, apart from make a decision about whether to go along with the charade or cool off your friendship.

I know someone who has a husband who is constantly cheating on her . She knows , she makes excuses, they carry on and he does it again . Repeat. But she has a comfortable life with him which she doesn’t want to lose. Your fiend’s h will no doubt leave her but for now just keep out of it and offer support when it all implodes .

Assuming this happened, she has been told and so it is now her business.

I'd be more worried about an obsessive guy hiring a PI to follow his stb ex wife.He sounds like a nut case, in which case that might lend credence to the mental health version of events.

Because he wanted evidence of his wife cheating on him. This is one of the most common jobs that private investigators are hired for.

She knows, but the enormity of the betrayal has sent her into denial. It happens. Personally, I’d just listen and wait for either reality to hit or him to bugger off with the OW. And I don’t judge the husband for hiring a PI either. Trauma makes people do some odd things.

I think if it was a case of she knows deep down and is just choosing to believe him to maintain the relationship, it would be easier to take.
She says she know him better than anyone, that he thinks cheaters are scum and just wouldn't do that.
It's the idea of this lying shitbag taking her for a mug which is really getting to me.

She’s entitled to be in denial but the supposed OW’s H is not entitled to harass your friend.

Maybe some part of her needs to process it and make up her own mind, and leave at a time of her choosing, not of the other dad's choosing. He doesn't get to decide how and when she deals with it.

She knows but doesn't think its anyone else's business?
We are so brainwashed into affair-must leave that maybe she is trying to avoid the LTB chants by telling others it's not what it seems.

Take a step back and be there for her when it all kicks off

Maybe you can explain to her that even if there has been no physical affair that what they are doing — lying to her, confiding in each other, putting emotional energy into their relationship is an emotional affair. Ask her to read up on it so she can judge for herself. People leave relationships over emotional affairs — both the betrayed and the betrayer. She needs to understand this is a possibility and make her decisions accordingly. If she is happy to wait and see that is her choice. Very painful for you knowing what is likely coming but nothing else you can do that support her.

She won’t believe it till she is ready to. It may take a few years , if you can be impartial till then that is what your friend needs until you can then support her through the heartache.

She knows but isn’t ready to accept it. She’s not angry enough yet!

The school dad informed her. What she does with that information and how she and her husband deal with it from now is entirely up to them.

She may be in denial. She may know about the affair. They may split up. They may work through it and stay together. It may fall apart later. They may stay married.

Whatever happens it's no one else's business.

I'm the only person she has spoken to about it. She doesn't want her friends and family to think badly of him and thinks they won't believe him. I just happened to bump into her in the immediate aftermath and it all came flooding out.

She's been told.
Now she needs to be allowed to make her own mistakes decisions

As her friend, just be there to catch her when she finally wakes up

Your friend might not be in denial about the affair—she could just be taking time to get her ducks in a row. I had a friend who waited nearly a year to leave her husband after discovering he’d been having a two-year affair. The other woman knew about her and the kids but was told she was just his ‘baby mama.’ Since my friend never changed her surname, it didn’t take much for her husband to convince the other woman of that lie. During that time, my friend quietly made a lot of decisions to prepare a new life and home for herself and her children. Meanwhile, her husband assumed she was staying—so when she finally left, he made a huge fuss. Everyone processes things differently.

Na