Friend in denial about affair.

[AhBiscuits]

A couple of months ago one of the school dads contacted my friend and told her that her DH was having an affair with his DW. He had become suspicious, followed them and found them in a pub together. He confronted them and has now split from his DW.

My friend's DH denies an affair. He alleges that he's been having some mental health issues, this woman has been through them too and speaking to her has been helpful for him. They had a bit of a rocky time and she felt betrayed but ultimately she believes him.

The school dad was very frustrated with friend for buying this. This week he sent my friend loads of recent pictures of them together in different places. He'd paid a private investigator to follow them. My friend was very upset, because he had lied to her about where he was and who he was with on these occasions. But she STILL believes it's not an affair and talking to this woman is like therapy for him. She's spoken to the other woman who is supporting this story.

It's bollocks isn't it? Would you believe that?Do I try and make her see sense or just listen and be ready to support when it all crashes down? Now the other woman has been dumped by her husband, I fear it's a matter of time before my friend's husband leaves.

Why not? Being a ‘school
dad’ is neither here nor there.

Why wouldn't he? He wanted to know if his suspicions were correct, and they were!

So he caught them having sex?
Or he caught them talking in a pub (which is what you said before)?

He caught them talking in a pub, having both lied about where they were going to their partners. Then they were caught in a few other locations, again friend's DH lied about where he was going on each occasion. It's not proof of an affair but it's not great is it? Especially as after the upset of the first time he'd said he wouldn't do similar again.

No, and it may well be the case that they are / were having an affair. I just think that his actions were less than altruistic. He was selfish and deliberately hurtful. What he does with his own relationship is up to him, but it is the nastiness of trying to break up someone else's. He didn't do it for her benefit or because he cared about her. And it is still possible, as I said, that the lies were for other reasons than an affair. Whichever is true, it's her marriage and her decision.

They're still sneaking around behind their respective partners backs and lying. It's pretty obvious what's going on.

This happened when DS was at primary. The affair wife and her H split up and it was really nasty, she ended up really really ill for many years. The affair husband denied and his wife accepted (deep down she knew). They are still together but the relationship is unhappy and toxic. The kids are grown up now and both have had lots of problems stemming from whatever went on at home.
Just be there for her - she won’t listen until she is ready to believe

What is it with these self righteous people who think they should be able to tell other people how to live their lives and then get annoyed/frustrated when they don’t do as they think they should.

OP honestly people like you make me sick.

So the friend has a husband who may or may not be having an affair. And who presumably wants her to believe him and stay in the marriage.

Then we have the husband of the other woman who is insistent on sharing the details of them having met up in a pub. Because he wants the OP to dump the husband, presumably either to make her go through what he is or alternatively because he might think that if the husband becomes available she’ll think twice about leaving him (that’s not uncommon.

And then we have you, a so called friend who wants to convince her to leave him and is annoyed at her that she’s refusing to acknowledge what’s happening.

none of this is any of your business. If you’re a friend you’ll drop it and be there for her through whatever happens.

I if you can’t or won’t do that, then you need to walk away, because you’re not a friend, and your motives are no more altruistic than anyone else in this situation.

More women actually stay with their partners than leave. Only on MN does every woman LTB at the first hint of an affair.

Of course many do. But more don’t. For lots of reasons.

You can lead people to information... but you can't make them think.

Bit harsh! I think OP clearly cares about her friend and is trying to help!

Also, my involvement thus far has been a shoulder to cry on. I didn't ask to be told any of this and have just listened and offered sympathy for the stress she's going through.

Barefaced cheek really to still be dating in public when they’ve been caught once already. They clearly don’t care. Your friend is either deluded or in denial but it’s not your place to get involved.

Op, Victoria chose to believe David, so everyone kept quiet on the end. it’s not like her financial situation would have been so much worse after a divorce.

Your friend chooses to believe what suits her. You should choose how much of a fool you are willing to be taken for and how
long you want to carry on with the charade.

Just make sure that you set boundaries for yourself as well - if no one else knows your friend may always turn to you for emotional support and treat you like a therapist….. that can get emotionally very draining for you too.

I don't understand why would the other woman support this story? After being dumped by her own husband because of this affair - she surely must be expecting reciprocity from her new partner - as in him leaving his wife (your friend), so they can be together. Why on earth would she help him keep his marriage intact?!?

My theory is that your friend husband is indeed that stupid (is he generally socially awkward?) to believe that it is perfectly normal that he has a supportive 'circle' of friends consisting of this one woman. This woman however is indeed after your friend's husband (and this is why her husband dumped her) and she is building the trust by helping him generally - also including 'helping him explain the wife', then when the wife goes mental, she will do 'omg she doesn't allow you to have a female friend' omg she is crazy, the usual... The guy is probably also falling for her as he is not being always honest with his wife where he is.- so started realising this is something more than just support circle... It really is just a matter of time (perhaps it happened ad we speak lol).
Anyway, tell your friend to invite her for dinner at their house. That's what friends do - visit their friends' homes and partners for dinner. Tell her to start telling her husband how she never met such a lovely lady, can they spend more time together... She should do everything opposite of what's expected.