Friend in denial about affair.

[AhBiscuits]

A couple of months ago one of the school dads contacted my friend and told her that her DH was having an affair with his DW. He had become suspicious, followed them and found them in a pub together. He confronted them and has now split from his DW.

My friend's DH denies an affair. He alleges that he's been having some mental health issues, this woman has been through them too and speaking to her has been helpful for him. They had a bit of a rocky time and she felt betrayed but ultimately she believes him.

The school dad was very frustrated with friend for buying this. This week he sent my friend loads of recent pictures of them together in different places. He'd paid a private investigator to follow them. My friend was very upset, because he had lied to her about where he was and who he was with on these occasions. But she STILL believes it's not an affair and talking to this woman is like therapy for him. She's spoken to the other woman who is supporting this story.

It's bollocks isn't it? Would you believe that?Do I try and make her see sense or just listen and be ready to support when it all crashes down? Now the other woman has been dumped by her husband, I fear it's a matter of time before my friend's husband leaves.

Hello just looking for advice this is a bit of a strange one I think.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we have a young child together. She has struggled with her mental health more so in the last few years and I believe this is to do with traumatic events.
she’s been friends with a co worker for 2 years now and the end of last year I felt she talked about her a lot even said she reminded her of me. For her birthday and Christmas there was lots of gifts from her to my Partner. Me and my partner began to feel distant and she didn’t even spend Christmas Day with us. At that point I knew something was going on that I wasn’t aware of. She was sniping at me and causing arguments almost like resentment. Despite my suspicions she always told me this girl was a friend and there was nothing going on. After Christmas we give it another go but I still felt the contact with this girl was inappropriate. It was every day throughout the day no matter were or what she was doing her phone was there and they were talking. My partner doesn’t have many friends and is quite a private person so I had to accept that she had a friend that she had just clicked with. Fast forward to this girls birthday. My partner went shopping with me and while there she chose this girl a birthday present, probably spending around £15-£20. The following day loads of Amazon parcels started to arrive and I had a feeling in my gut that I had to open them. Something felt off and I had the urge to find out. When I opened the parcels they were gifts towards this girl. There were play station pad, clothes, an expensive teddy bear, games. The amount came to around £180. I was so upset by this because as a family we don’t have much money at all. Maybe I shouldn’t of done the next part but I’m glad I did. That night we went to bed and my stomach was turning. I knew something was wrong. I had to check her phone. This is something I’ve never done. I read messages from them and the past few months were things like “I have two loves for you. One as a friend and the other as in another life or if we met sooner”. A lot of the messages refer to each other as best friends but there was flirting too. Getting back to December messages was were I felt sick. I wasn’t too bothered in what this girl was saying to my partner. Only what she was saying to this girl. The worst ones confessed her love to this girl telling her we’re had she been all her life. “If you wasn’t with your boyfriend I would fully attempt because your a catch”. “I don’t think I could be more in love with you”. “If you offered me to run away I would”. “I could have sat and spoke to you all night”. Along with all the compliments you could imagine. To the point that I’ve not heard my partner talk like that since we got together at the very start! There was also a lot of slagging me off for some reason I’m not sure why you’d do that but they did. A lot of my parter complaining about me and this girl kind of goading it. It was hurtful because she even mentioned to this girl that I dont initiate s*x and it’s always her and that I always say I want it but it’s only been a week.

it was all very strange and I didn’t know what was more hurtful to be honest. I confronted my partner she denied it but when I showed her the messages she told me she was going through a hard time and wasn’t herself. She told me she was drinking on one of the nights she was talking to her in December and that she was a mess during that time. I spoke to the girl too and the girl said she thinks my partner and her grew an emotional attachment during a bad time and things went too far. She said my partner felt I wasn’t there for her at that time. They didn’t physically cheat but all the betrayal is still there.

They both told me she wouldn’t leave me for this girl and that it was just something stupid thwt got out of hand.that this girl was just emotional support and the nasty things she said about me was just venting during us arguing. My partner said the gifts shouldn’t have happened and she felt she got carried away because this girl always buys her a lot. Anyway after getting both versions of events I decided to give it another go. I told my partner that she has to be honest with me and make more of an effort with us as a couple to see how things go.

I asked my partner if she was given the ultimatum who would she choose. She said “If I had to I would choose you but I wouldn’t be happy to cut her out my life because we’re best friends and what was said was a mistake”. I didn’t make her choose because the way I see it there’s not point in trying to remove temptation. If it happens it will happen. Anyway we had a break away (paid and organised by me) and seemed to feel like we’re back on track and when we got back I felt she didn’t put the effort in back. So while we’ve been distant again this girl is still messaging every day throughout the day. I checked her phone last week because I just felt I had to. This is not in my nature but given all that happened I can’t let myself get hurt. So I felt there was flirty messages from this girl but my partner not so much. Things like “im wearing the hoodie you got me in bed” and because they’re not working together anymore telling each other they miss me. One of them said this girl had gone for a job within the same company as me so will withdraw incase she sees me. Were as on the messages to me she comes across very friendly and even said she would like to meet me at some point. When they’ve spoken nasty about me it’s almost as if I’m a problem. I don’t understand this because my partners not with me against her will?

i come home from work the other day in a great mood and went to use my partners phone to order us all food. I noticed she’s changed the passcode on her phone. I asked her why. She said it creeps her out me looking at her phone when she doesn’t know. She said if you want to look at anything I’ll unlock it and give it to you but your not going through my phone without me knowing.

i Am do hurt by that because it’s not as if I had no reason to do it. She was in the wrong I just found it and now she has her phone locked from me. Now I’m unsure if I can carry on with her because this is just going to add to my insecurity and feeling of being worthless to her. Even when she’s sat with me I can see messages coming up from her on her phone but she just leaves them and I just don’t like it.

my friend said I should have given her an ultimatum but I refuse to be the reason she is miserable and I think that would just make them want to see each other more.

jn need of any advice would help. I know it’s a strange one!

thank you

As PPs have said, your friend needs to process this and act on it in her own way. It may take her several months or even a year or two to reach a decision on what to do. I find it concerning that the injured husband seems to be bullying her. I get that he wants the straying husband to suffer consequences but your friend is also an injured party here and she’s entitled to go at her own pace.

My husband had an affair with a 17 year old from work. He and I were both 30. We had 2 boys aged 3 and 2. I knew something was going on as his behaviour changed. One of his colleagues bumped into me in Chelsea Girl ( it was 1996) and told me he was 'shagging one of the cash office girls'. I wasn't working ( agreed by us both) and I came from a family where you got married and you stayed married. My parents wouldn't have taken me in. If I'd gone back to teaching my salary wouldn't have covered nursery fees and living costs even with maintenance payments.I hoped it would go away if I ignored it. I dare say she is doing the same. In the end he left me and set up in a flat with her. Turned out to be the very best thing that ever happened to me but it was utterly devastating at the time. Don't judge other people for not leaving. It's not like Eastenders it's someone's real life.

@Nattynoonoo22 - you need to start your own thread. That way everyone will be able to see and respond to your request for advice.

She needs to come to the realisation in her own time. Just stand by ready to listen and support her when it's needed. If you try and convince her, she'll just push you away. The truth is she doesn't want to believe it - lots of women turn a blind eye and hope it will run it's course.

Of course your friends husband is having an affair . @AhBiscuits is your friend financially reliant on her husband ? . All too often women on Mumsnet say LTB but often women place themselves in financially vulnerable situations which makes leaving a liar and a cheater very difficult .

I think you need to calm down and think of your friend who could secretly be going through turmoil. Maybe just be kind to her for now while it plays out. Maybe she knows it’s happening but wants to keep her marriage despite the affair who knows. Just be gentle with her

Lots of people stay with cheaters for a host of reasons. I would be a supportive friend to her.
It’s not up to the other husband to dictate what happens.

More likely he wanted to catch his wife out and have evidence of his suspicions.

OP your friends marriage is not your business and certainly not the other DHs business so stay out of it

It's not like Eastenders it's someone's real life.

This should be the MN tagline and pinned at the end of every OP posted on here.

What a foolish woman.

Because it’s his wife??

There's that good old phrase 'there's none so blind as will not see.' She doesn't WANT to believe he's having an affair and she will jump through hoops and believe anything he says in order not to have to believe it.

Just be supportive, OP, because it's almost a certainty that this will happen again, incontravertibly, and her marriage will fall apart. But there's nothing you can really DO, as such, other than quietly be on her side, whatever she says she wants to do.

Thankfully, you’re not directly involved; in your position I would be there to support my friend in the most effective way possible. It’s not for you to comment on the ins-and-ours of this situation, if you truly care about her, just be there to provide her with whatever support she needs.

I suspect deep down she knows that her husband is a lying, cheating shitbag but can't face admitting it to herself. She's desperate to hold onto her marriage, probably feels embarrassed, even ashamed and if she admitted to herself her husband had cheated, she'd have to tell family/friends in real life. She can't face the reality, so is choosing to believe her husband, even faced with evidence. Unfortunately, you can't make her see sense, she has to find this out for herself - it's likely it will be the hard way. He's got away with cheating once, he now knows his wife will believe any lie that comes out of his mouth, and he will cheat again, and again. Step back, be there for her when the shit hits the fan, because eventually, it will.

Up to her what she does with the information. She either knows and is ignoring it, knows and has actively chosen to continue as things are or is in denial. Her choice. Nothing you can do other than build her up, give her your friendship and confidence in other aspects of her life and encourage her to find this in others too, so if she does choose to move on from this……..

This.

She might not want to leave her marriage. It’s nothing to do with you or this school dad. Keep your snout out of other people’s relationships!

It’s almost certainly an affair. However, given your friend has been given some fairly compelling evidence and is still burying her head in the sand, what do you think you can add that will change her mind? You have to let her deal with it in her own way.

I agree with those saying the OW’s husband needs to pull his head in. It’s up to him what he does about his marriage - the OP’s friend’s marriage is none of his business.

I would, it would be great to have some evidence to throw in her face.

Nobody else's business.

The friend either:

1. Doesn't believe it - which is fine, that is her right Or
2. Knows, but wants to keep her marriage, and is willing to support her husband. That is also her right.

An affair doesn't (& shouldn't) automatically mean separation and divorce. Just support and listen to your friend with whatever choices she makes.

But he is throwing it in someone elses face!

Isn’t it obvious? He wanted to know what his wife was up to. Private investigators are used for this type of thing all the time.

My ex husband was found on Tinder, I still didn't believe it, even when I was sent a screenshot. Looking back now it was ridiculous but that is the way it is when you are in the middle of it.

wtf are you on about? 😂