Husband re writing the story - money

[Lollalolly1]

I’ve finally woken up to the fact that I need to leave my husband. I’ve had multiple instances of cheating on nights out or business trips, often at times when I needed him most…weeks after childbirth and after marriage. I always tried to work through it but time I grew a little stronger through therapy and said that if he didn’t do the work, I was gone, he showed up to 4 therapy sessions and shared location with me etc but it felt like a tick box exercise. He soon pulled out of therapy as he said he didn’t need it. He continued to heavily drink, be disrespectful and made mr question my own sanity. A day out with him and the kids is an egg shell type event, which person will we get. The recent discovery was the messaging of escorts. He lied until I discovered more and even told me I needed therapy to get over my distrust and control issues. I agreed that I needed to let it go…and then I found the evidence. No evidence of him actually using one but the message to say he was outside…he said he never went in and the money was still in his wallet.

After that I stepped back and observed his actions rather than words. He would start arguments to go to the pub and dislikes many people I know and criticises them. This is the tip of the iceberg to be fair and there have been lots of things happen that I just don’t understand/can’t comprehend why, we have a lovely home and beautiful children and all the components for a lovely life,

Anyway tonight, as he is due to leave our home soon, he starts to say I’ve been stealing from him and he wanted to see all the accounts. He is analysing every purchase and saying he never agreed to it. (He did). I’ve asked him many times to manage and be involved in the finances and he always declined to have any involvement so I sort all the bills etc. I booked a girls holiday a while back (agreed by him) and he is now saying I owe it all back. It’s like he has flip reversed the script and forgot that the reason we are splitting is because he has lied and cheated his way through the relationship, He is now talking of withdrawing all the money from our account even though he left himself with 1k free spends. My head is fried and not sure what to do here.

I'd take half the money from the joint account and bid him farewell. When you say he's leaving the house, is he moving out?

He sounds like a narcissist so you're not going to be able to relate to what he does and how he thinks, but you have to realise he'll do everything to look out for himself and nothing for you and the kids, so you need to get a lawyer and accountant on this ASAP. He's gaslighting you and deflecting attention. Don't try to reason or understand him, he's just trying to find ways of keeping as much for himself as possible. You need to do the same and look out for yourself and your children.

Yes he is moving out. He is saying he can’t wait etc. I’ve literally not done anything to him but he is being vile to me for some reason. The kids heard his rants tonight and were saying he is horrible etc (hasn’t come from me but they own observations). He transferred the money to cover bills etc but now is saying I’ve stolen it.

Gosh yes. I do think he is a narcissist. He is like jeckyl and Hyde. He does very subtle things to knock me eg calling me big and saying he would never fancy a woman that tall (I’m 5.8). Said in the past that there is a reason everyone cheats on me (don’t know what it is). There have been loads of things in the past but feel like I’ve just woken up out of the fog of trying to better myself for him to love me, nothing will ever be good enough. I’ve looked into solicitors but they are so expensive. Not sure what to do. I only want what’s fair

Transfer more than half. If he asks why, you’ve taken the money he wasted on escorts. He’s massively gaslighting you and rewriting history.
Make sure he moves out asap so you can get on with your life without treading on eggshells.
Go see a solicitor on Monday and get the ball rolling, you’ve put up with this bollocks for more than long enough.

I sent him my bank statement tonight as he was pressuring me to share all my details of what I have spent. I reminded him that he withdrew money for escorts but his defence was that he didn’t use it. Should I send him all my statements or not?

I’ve already taken what we need to pay the bills etc but it’s the monthly living money he is saying he is going to spend. Started to say to the kids that they could book a box at the football games etc…an attempt to fritter it

Stop negotiating with him. He isn’t acting in good faith—he doesn’t know how. Its like trying to teach a pig French. Exhausting and pointless. Take whatever money you can, with whatever excuse you like. You can just keep saying “you told me I could” after all two can gaslight as well as one. “Don’t you remember? You felt like such a shit human being for cheating on me that you offered to give me all this money. So I took it and spent it. Too bad. So sad. “

No, don’t send him anything. He.will only twist things to suit his own narrative which most likely will have little or no acquaintance with the truth!

Absolutely not. Is he willing to share all of his statements?

Such good advice. Move monry from joint account to your personal account immediately.

i Love this answer and you are right, he will use it to twist it to what he has made up. I regularly have conversations with him and then he completely forgets the whole thing even if it was just the day before. Eg he will ask me which friends I’m going to visit loads of times, every time with the same answer. I did send him one statement as I had nothing to hide but won’t send any more.

I’m a bit worried to do this as then he is likely to say he won’t pay the child maintenance and half of the mortgage as we had agreed. He is saying how can I need the money when I’m someone money on lavish things like a girls trip away, however I booked that when we were still together so the situation was different.

Every single time you answer you are playing his game. If you just stop engaging and replying the poWer shifts to YOU and he can’t use you crawling around begging for understanding to supply his ego . Stop talking to him totally.

How olds are your kids? do you work?

@Lollalolly1 I would say you either take the money out of the joint account now or prepare yourself to end up with not a single penny. It sounds like he is already making preparations to get his ducks in a row or get it under his control. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts hiding some of his assets. This isn't a time for transparency and negotiation, especially not with a man like this.

Also don't get suckered in to the "you've stolen money" argument, he's deflecting the blame to make you plead your innocence and ultimately forgetting/minimising what he has actually done. At this rate your going to end up falling for his trap and sucked back in to staying with him because you will be worried he will go around telling people you stole his money so HE had to leave you. He would change the narrative regardless of the reasons anyways, you do know this right?

Thank you. I just find it difficult to not answer when he keeps repeating the question. Yes I work and have quite a good job but it’s no where near the salary he gets. We have 3 children.

Well I’ve left myself the equivalent that he has in his personal account in preparation so I will have money for essential's. He has always maintained that he would never be funny with money and would pay his fair share towards the kids as he hasn’t in the past, however he suddenly changed this last night. He will probably be completely different this morning and go mr nice guy again.

This!

He will ALWAYS try to control you, even when divorced. Oh, and as pp says, if you DON'T take money from the joint account, he will take ALL of it.

I think you are right. He is questioning everything I’m doing now even work etc.

I know it's hard and it makes you feel sick but try not to engage. He is doing this because he is desperate to upset you. He enjoys upsetting you.

My ex uses to use finances if he couldn't upset me by other means. It's just about power.

Transfer half to him and half to you.

If you don't take half nowhere will empty your joint account like my scum bag exh did. Once the money has been taken out you won't see it again. You are entitled to half.

Take the money and move it today!! I was left with absolutely nothing then emailed a spreadsheet monthly with his incurred costs backdating to the day I left with two young children and a bag of clothes.. trust me this will get nastier so start thinking smart and quick.

Thank you. I will do. I’ve also got a chunk of money that we borrowed on the mortgage to do house renovations. Worried he is going to try to take that now so I can’t get the work done. I’ve told him we will maintain 50/50 equity in the house and the money will be spent on it wisely but he seems to ne irrational. I’ve got a girls weekend booked soon that I’ve paid off monthly and he agreed to but he is now saying that if I have money for that then I don’t need any off him. I would get a solicitor but they are really expensive. Did you get a solicitor?

Oh god. What’s wrong with these people. I mean yes I’ve spent money, as has he but he seems to be re writing the script to be that I’ve stolen money rather than he fucked prostitutes while away with work. Think he wants to keep appearing to be mr nice guy to the outside world. I’m worried that if I take half then he is going to say no to the monthly child maintenance and half of the mortgage and I can’t afford the solicitor to enforce anything.

Seriously lawyer up.

Don't agree to any split until you have had legal advice.