Husband re writing the story - money

[Lollalolly1]

I’ve finally woken up to the fact that I need to leave my husband. I’ve had multiple instances of cheating on nights out or business trips, often at times when I needed him most…weeks after childbirth and after marriage. I always tried to work through it but time I grew a little stronger through therapy and said that if he didn’t do the work, I was gone, he showed up to 4 therapy sessions and shared location with me etc but it felt like a tick box exercise. He soon pulled out of therapy as he said he didn’t need it. He continued to heavily drink, be disrespectful and made mr question my own sanity. A day out with him and the kids is an egg shell type event, which person will we get. The recent discovery was the messaging of escorts. He lied until I discovered more and even told me I needed therapy to get over my distrust and control issues. I agreed that I needed to let it go…and then I found the evidence. No evidence of him actually using one but the message to say he was outside…he said he never went in and the money was still in his wallet.

After that I stepped back and observed his actions rather than words. He would start arguments to go to the pub and dislikes many people I know and criticises them. This is the tip of the iceberg to be fair and there have been lots of things happen that I just don’t understand/can’t comprehend why, we have a lovely home and beautiful children and all the components for a lovely life,

Anyway tonight, as he is due to leave our home soon, he starts to say I’ve been stealing from him and he wanted to see all the accounts. He is analysing every purchase and saying he never agreed to it. (He did). I’ve asked him many times to manage and be involved in the finances and he always declined to have any involvement so I sort all the bills etc. I booked a girls holiday a while back (agreed by him) and he is now saying I owe it all back. It’s like he has flip reversed the script and forgot that the reason we are splitting is because he has lied and cheated his way through the relationship, He is now talking of withdrawing all the money from our account even though he left himself with 1k free spends. My head is fried and not sure what to do here.

Don't send him any statements. It's none of his business how you spend your money. Financial abuse. Talk to a solicitor and all requests through him or her.

Please talk to a solicitor. You can a free 1/2 hour initial appointment with most of them. You cannot negotiate this situation on your own without legal advice. Please listen to what they say about the money and the house. And don’t take legal advice from friends unless they’re in the legal trade, as so many people get it wrong.

Stop negotiating
Stop doing what is telling you too
Stop sending him information

This is game playing and re writing history- he is gaslighting you! Do not respond to this - be clear in your mind why he is leaving (he is a nasty, disgusting piece of shit) - not because you spent 20 pounds in sainsburys!! Do not deviate from the truth, and do not accept his version of events.

He wants you to feel the blame for his behaviour- use the grey rock method if it’s safe to do so… and also say no!

You need urgent legal advice (free for first 30 mins in some solicitors) because I would be saying you can see all the bank statements I will send them to your solicitor!

You literally cannot 'steal' money from a joint account when you are married to the other joint account holder.

The man is an abusive, financially controlling shit and the sooner you get rid of the bastard the better.

Get a solicitor - a good one will as much as possible get you to do the leg work so keep costs down. But also think about selling the house, and don’t forget his pension.
But however much he demands it’s no longer his concern, what you spend or what on.

Send a laughing emoji and the details of your lawyer for all correspondence.

get a solicitor. You may well be entitled to more than 50-50 if you are going to be looking after 3 kids, and the impact that will have on your career vs his unencumbered one.
Get smart
Stop playing his game.
You dont need to provide him anything, you dont need to do anything just because he said so. If he kicks off or gets nasty, call the police.

You can’t afford not to get a solicitor. If you don’t you will regret it. Good luck

Thanks all. I did have a free chat with one but she was saying it was about £4k for an occupation order (think that’s what it’s called) and if he declined I could have to pay £30k to take him to court. I just don’t have 30k. I could use 4k from the renovation money to pay for the first bit but wouldn’t that be classed as me squandering money? Also poss fraud as we borrowed it for the work on the house. Bar that money I don’t have access to £4k x

Have you applied for a Divorce yet @Lollalolly1? If not, I’d do it today.

You can use the government website and you may be eligible for help with the Court fee.

You don’t need a Solicitor to file for Divorce, and they’re now no fault but I would recommend filing yourself avd getting legal advice over the financial settlement.

Do not send him anymore documents.

Whatever you do he will be nasty and awkward. He's got you second guessing everything. So move the money.

I tried really hard to be reasonable with my ex but there is no reasoning with them. He even thought that because I technically finished with him (after years of abuse) he shouldn't have to pay anything for his child. They are wormy and they have no pride.

You need a good lawyer.

Well done for leaving best decision you could ever make.
Speak to a lawyer.
Read a book called how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court

I’m also now wondering whether I was squandering money. I mean we have both spent on things but I’ve paid for the girls holiday and some asthetic things on myself. After I found out what happened with the escorts I went on a bit of a spiral of trying to make myself prettier/better as they were half my age. He did agree to me doing these things though and actually encouraged it. One is a boob job that he encouraged/supported, I asked him many times if he was ok with it. I used mainly my money but I bit of our joint. Do I owe him that back or should I cancel the op?

He has never been funny about money before and always generous and allowed me to spend what I wanted (he did too) as he earns a lot so this new attitude has surprised me,

A lot of this you can do yourself without a solicitor. My DP cannot afford solicitors with an uncooperative narcissistic ex to get their financial order done. Non-mol’s, occupation orders, divorce, we have done it all ourselves by using chat gpt & using online resources to guide us. It’s all possibly without a solicitor or only pay a solicitor for the final bits or writing up the financial order. As others have said move the money, don’t engage in answering his questions about what you’re spending money on, my ex did this to me. Made my print 12 months of statements saying I’d been stealing money. I’d done nothing of the sort while he’d been snorting cocaine drinking & trying to hook up with my mates. Grey rock, go online start the ball rolling yourself.

Yes cancel the boob job. Your self esteem will increase hugely once you lose him. Prioritise money for a solicitor instead.

He couldn’t make it clearer that he is your enemy. Don’t t give him any information. Be angry, but calm and clever. You need legal advice.

Cancel the operation today and keep the money.

Were you only having the boob job to please him? If you want one still go ahead but it might be better to save the money for your future, and to put towards your legal costs. He's not going to play nicely

Ok so I’m grey rocking, bar answering generic questions. Not responding when he is being vile to me in front of the kids and trying to be all cheery for them but it’s starting to get to me. The more I ignore his nasty comments, the harder he pushes to try to get to me. He has just told me that he is going out drinking tonight after he remembered I’m working tomorrow. He has been drinking since 11. It’s a recipe for disaster and I’m on egg shells now what plan should I have? If he is being verbal can I call someone or is it just if he is physical. He has never been physical before but he can be quite intimidating with his words. I don’t want to just have to sit there listening to him calling me a c**t or whatever for no reason,

If it’s not too late to cancel the boob job, then I suggest doing so. It’s not the best use of money right now.

Swearing and aggressive language can also be a form of abuse. There doesn’t have to be physical violence. If he is causing you to be afraid, that is a basis for calling the police.

I have some experience of non-molestation orders and occupation orders. Without physical violence there is more or less no chance of getting an occupation order, however you may be able to get a non-molestation order which regulates how he speaks to you. If you contact the NCDV, they can assist you with this and put you in contact with someone who will help you draft the application and evidence in support.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Jeez, what a nasty prick he is. You are 100% making the right decision to divorce him. It sounds as if the road will be rocky but just think of that smooth road afterwards!
How old are your children? Is he supposed to be looking after them tomorrow while you’re at work?

Even if the boob job is paid for/non-refundable I wouldn’t do it just now. You need to be as well as you can, not feeling vulnerable after an operation, recovering/in pain etc. If you can get at least some of the money back then do so, but do think about postponing it at minimum.

Can you go somewhere else with the kids tonight? And is there anyone else who could look after them tomorrow?

@Lollalolly1 you dont need a solicitor to apply for cms!! you can do that yourself. see if you can get hold of a payslip for his ni number. you are legally allowed to empty all joint accounts. the money belongs to both of you. do it before he does. cms will be automatically deducted from his wages. are you sure he has no hidden accounts if he is earnings a lot of money?