Is it just me that finds people don’t take to me like they take to other people?

[Addictedtopodcasts]

It probably is something I’m doing or not doing or something about me that causes this, I’ve long since accepted that. It doesn’t bother me much these days, or at least not like it used to. I have fantastic friends, husband, kids etc and get on well with colleagues at work.

It’s more of an ‘at first glance’ thing. For example if I’m in a shop and the assistant is serving someone before me, they’ll be very friendly and pleasant to the person they’re serving, then when it’s my turn their tone and attitude changes. I’m always polite, so I don’t know why I’m treated that way. Any attempt to make any conversation with someone in a shop whilst I’m paying is shut down or eye rolled at probably 99% of the time, even when they’ve been chatting away to the customer before me.

Another example is if I’m out with a friend and we see someone that they know, but that I’ve never met before. The other person will normally be very offhand with me and make it obvious they don’t want to engage with me. However if I’m out with a friend and see someone that I know but that my friend doesn’t, they will be welcomed into the conversation.

I know the examples sound petty and like I said, it probably is something about me that causes it, but I’ve no idea what.

I was mainly wondering if anyone else has the same experience and if you have ever worked out why it happens?

I know what you mean. Although I think I’m most likely undiagnosed neurodiverse and give out a ‘vibe’ people don’t like.

That must be really difficult, not knowing why you're treated so differently.

So, the way I see it there are two possible explanations.

One is you're fixating on things and you have confirmation bias. Which means, once we believe something to be true we will register every bit of information that confirms this theory and we will forget/ignore/discard every bit of information that disproves our theory. Leaving us with countless peices of evidence that our theory is right. So the first challenge is to really ask yourself whether this is true or not. That's not something anyone can do for you and it takes a very clear, unbiased mind.
Are people really more rude and unwelcoming to you, or are you just so fixated on it that you tend to blow these events out of proportion?

Two is that there is something in your verbal or non-verbal communication style that really puts people off. In that case, since you mention you do have friends, I'd start by really asking that question to people who know you well. Tell them not to sugarcoat it. They aren't doing you a favour by minimising a trait of yours that is subconsciously driving people away from you.
I once had a colleague who had an incredibly whiney voice - we're therapists by the way - and she was asking me if it happens to me too that clients stop showing up after the first or second session. She was 40 and had spend her entire career not knowing that her voice was incredibly uncomforting. And everybody knew, but she was never given that feedback, so she was also never able to do anything about it.

I get this a lot, but it's because I'm scary looking. I'm a big bloke, built like the proverbial brick shithouse, and while it's mostly fat, at first glance people just see an absolute unit in front of that. On top of that I've usually got extremely short hair and a cracking great facial scar (which people are always fairly surprised to find came from falling off a table while dancing)

And then to top it all off my natural resting facial expression has been described as "thunderous". Apparently I'm fine when engaged in conversation, smiley, happy, etc, but the moment my mind empties I look like I'm about to kill someone.

And so every single person I meet mentally marks me as someone to be wary of before they've even spoken to me. I see barstaff mentally clock me as trouble when I walk in, and then look slightly perplexed as I sit in the corner nursing a pint while reading a book with a spaceship on the cover.

I spent years in the school playground with an invisible forcefield around me, noone dared stand within 10 feet at pick up time, until one day one of the other school Mums mentioned to DP that I'd be good in a fight and DP spent the next five minutes pissing herself laughing.

I'm not saying you're scary OP, but there will be something about you that's giving other people a bad first impression before they've even spoken to you.

I don’t think I’m scary; I’m a 5ft 5 8 stone fortysomething woman lol

My Grandma was a 4ft11 probably 7 stone 70something woman and she scared the ever living crap out of me sometimes!

As a previous poster said, its either all in your head, or there's something about your appearance or manner that's giving people the impression that engaging with you or is risky or not worth their time. In my case its that I'm giving off scary vibes, it's probably something different with you. I didn't really understand what people meant about my facial expression until I saw some photos taken of me when I didn't know it was happening, it might be worth getting a friend to take some of you when you're not aware of it, and then giving them a critical eye to try and see what others see.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister about our babies having their hands crossed with silver years ago. We look the same, dress the same, our kids are the same age (and even look similar) and lived in the same town. It had not happened to her ONCE whereas it happened to us on a weekly basis lol. We both laughed and knew it was her RBF at work scaring people away. 😂

On another note, I am neurodivergent, and one of my kids is, and people definitely innately sense differences in people! I'm not sure how, but they do, for kids it's like cayotes sensing the weak member of the herd, for teens it's mean girls giving each other sideways glances and smirking while you talk, for adults its either bonding immediately with other ND people (whether they know they are or not!) or just not connecting with people.

I get the impression that people think I’m not worth their time

thanks everyone for the replies btw

Hm, but, OP most people don't really think like this. You're saying it's 99% of the time - it's everyone? Everyone in the world doesn't go round sizing up strangers and deciding if they are worth their time. That's quite strange, mean-girl, behaviour that does exist but is not common. Do you do that? Probably not, right? Most people don't.

So it's not satisfactory as an explanation - it sounds closer to a hurt feeling, not a viable analysis, is that fair to say?

I get this a lot.

I remember when me and a friend went to an exercise group. We are both polite women who both enjoyed it and were friendly with the group.

The teacher frequently gushed over my friend and was cold towards me, albeit, in a subtle way but I definitely picked up on it.

Turns out people can tell that I'm different, and by different, I mean autistic, which I have learned recently.

Just letting you know you're not alone.

I get this all the time. I’m autistic.

I know exactly what you mean. This is going to sound really silly, but I will say it anyway.

I read an article by Zoe Williams in the Guardian, she had botox to see how she found it, she said other drivers started letting her out at junctions more - she thought the only reason that could be was that she wasn't frowning anymore.

So maybe I need botox to make people be nice to me.

This is interesting because I have observed this first hand with a friend. I think a lot of it is to do with body language, tone of voice and confidence. Also the way someone presents themselves. It’s impossible to tell in your case without actually meeting you but I would ask your friends for an honest assessment. I bet they have noticed it themselves.

I also suspect my friend is ND.

Yes, I can relate, this happens to me.

Member of a gym for 18 years, hardly anyone interacts with me - and then bizarrely I can get a single strange day once in a while where an odd thing happens - men outside give me the eye on the way in, (no reason, I’m pension age), fit men inside smile, hold open doors, interact, ladies in the classes suddenly all chat with me, swimmers in the pool suddenly want to stop and talk I come home totally puzzled because it’s an absolute stark contrast to the norm. I can only wonder if some days I am totally lost in my own headspace and then sometimes I am more outward looking maybe?

I travel a lot, and just on one very particular niche holiday we both felt ostracized by an entire group of other strangers on the same trip. It was very obvious that they wouldn’t interact. For no reason. No problem on multiple other trips.

Similar with certain of my younger local friends who appear to perceive me as dim and/or dull (they have no idea of my background, they didn’t know me in my previous working life, I don’t elaborate about it, it was significant and unusual)…so I guess something in my demeanour telling them I am uninteresting?

There is also the thing where if someone in the past has been unpleasant to us, and we meet someone new who looks similar - it’s easy to have unpleasant subconscious thoughts unfairly about the new unrelated person.

I’ve also had to give myself some stern talkings to in the past, if I have been dismissive when meeting someone who appears dull/uninteresting, only to get chatting and be astonished, in awe and respectful of what I hear and learn. That has been a harsh personal lesson that I try and keep in mind.

I don’t get upset if people visually or verbally dismiss me, rather I just smile to myself - at them really.

Following

Same here

I think I give off a superiority/disdainful vibe, whereas I'm really not like that at all

When you go with your friend to see someone your friend knows but you don’t, it’s very normal that the person will talk to your friend because many people will find it hard to maintain a talk with a stranger. I have had it all the time (and probably subconsciously do so to other people). There is nothing wrong with you I think.

Yeah I hear you OP, I get this alot too.

I will be polite but I do carry on being polite regardless of what I get in return, and I dont give a toss if a shop assistant is not up to my vibe. They are not paid to like me. And in all honesty I think there is something in the air. It has zero to do with you and everything to do with the other person. Also, people are going through stuff and are tired? whatever their reasons they dont own us a smile or a polite comeback. Dont take it personally. And this is something everyone is noticing now days. Its not just you.

I think that has a lot to do with it. Some people don’t smile or make eye contact , or turn their body towards the person they are talking to .There is a sort of eall
around them when they engage with others which is off putting.

I'm mostly a bubbly chatty morning person and I always get a nice response from strangers,bus drivers etc.
That said put me in a female work settings and it can go either way.
I just started a thread about resting,,,face.
Someone said I seemed unapproachable.This has only happened the last few yrs
I'm neuro diverse and have ADHD.

Me.

I'm used to it now and I've accepted it but one thing I have found really interesting is this...

I can attract another autistic person with absolutely no effort at all. We have this 'effortless' and often immediate rapport. All of the people I feel most comfortable around and easy with are ND.

I read something recently about ND and NT people which said that the social communication difficulties experienced by ND people are mainly between ND and NT people. ND people often communicate as easily between themselves as NT people do and this has been my experience.

It seems to be a very subconscious thing where we almost 'recognise' some people and not others and I definitely think that is to do with a 'vibe'.

Not trying to diagnose you from your post, just answering the question.

I could have written this myself!

Me too

Op how do you present yourself? Neat hair, make up, put together clothing? People will see all those things as higher status and be more interested in making a good impression with you (as a stranger) if so. It's kind of human instinct, as shallow as it sounds.
I often go out looking rough but I scrub up quite well when I try and I definitely notice a difference in how people respond to me

Also what social class vibes do you give off and who are you saying blanks you?