Is it just me that finds people don’t take to me like they take to other people?

[Addictedtopodcasts]

It probably is something I’m doing or not doing or something about me that causes this, I’ve long since accepted that. It doesn’t bother me much these days, or at least not like it used to. I have fantastic friends, husband, kids etc and get on well with colleagues at work.

It’s more of an ‘at first glance’ thing. For example if I’m in a shop and the assistant is serving someone before me, they’ll be very friendly and pleasant to the person they’re serving, then when it’s my turn their tone and attitude changes. I’m always polite, so I don’t know why I’m treated that way. Any attempt to make any conversation with someone in a shop whilst I’m paying is shut down or eye rolled at probably 99% of the time, even when they’ve been chatting away to the customer before me.

Another example is if I’m out with a friend and we see someone that they know, but that I’ve never met before. The other person will normally be very offhand with me and make it obvious they don’t want to engage with me. However if I’m out with a friend and see someone that I know but that my friend doesn’t, they will be welcomed into the conversation.

I know the examples sound petty and like I said, it probably is something about me that causes it, but I’ve no idea what.

I was mainly wondering if anyone else has the same experience and if you have ever worked out why it happens?

Hah, why do we neurodivergents seem to never have a unique life experience? 🤣 I'm half convinced it's some weird shared consciousness thing at this point.

Anyway, I'm ADHD/ASD and frequently experience this. I'm not scruffy or smelly or rude but people always take a dislike to me at first. It's not a confirmation bias thing, I'm very objective and observant but there's no mistaking it.

I read a study recently which said neurotypical people subconsciously sense a difference in us in mere seconds and form a negative opinion. Aside from masking - which doesn't always work and is fucking exhausting for us - I'm not sure we can do anything about it. Other than try our best not to care. The older I get the easier that is, but honestly, it still stings a little sometimes.

I don’t see how someone could sense someone was ND that quickly though

It's like an 'uncanny valley' experience. We each (NT and ND) look like people to the other but there's something 'not quite right'!

I had one 'NT' friend. I marvelled at how I'd managed to have an NT friend for 13 years. Very proud I was at getting peopling right. At least with her.

She was diagnosed last year 😁

Yes! I know too! When my children started getting older they started asking why I look so angry all the time.. I had no idea.. everyone must think I'm really pissed off all the time but it's just my natural face

I think maybe people pick up on an intensity which they read a sneediness. Like, if they make small talk to the woman before you in the queue she doesn;t care and will be off in moments. But maybe they instinctively note that it matters to you, that you want and need this interaction (even if you don;t) and that you may keep them talking longer than they should if they need to get back to work.

I'm not saying any of this is accurate, it just maybe a misreading, on their part, of autism/ND which they perceive as intense or potential hard work socially.

Either way, the cure is not to care at all what others think of you or how they treat you if they are strangers. Weirdly, as soon as this is genuinely true, they become pleasant and engage with you.

I have always wondered this too, I feel like I’m open, very polite etc, but often get asked by Dh ‘What’s wrong?’ when i’m perfectly happy
My ddad has always said to me ‘Stop frowning’ when i’m not, so I really must be coming over the wrong way
Ive always suspected i’m Nd

It’s definitely a vibe thing! I often feel on the outside of things but often it can be because I’m not really following the flow of things. I’ve noticed a lot of people have very ‘I’ style conversations , I’m so shy, I’m so bubbly etc and I find that difficult to engage with!

@coxesorangepippin @HeyDougie
im with you there.
my DS said Icome across as scary (assertive) but I’m incredibly shy
there is ND in our family

Very much the same! Very intimidating apparently but inside I am a bundle of nerves.

My friend looks really mean and unapproachable. She actually looks really nasty 🙈😅

But she's actually so lovely. But I was wary of her before getting to know her

On the flip side I've met people who are a bit off at first. And it just turns out their a little uncomfortable, shy or whatever. After meeting people a few times their chatty with me ect

I’ve had a few friends say to me that they thought I didn’t like them when I first met them. It wasn’t anything to do with them. I am reserved and cautious by nature and other people are unknown strangers until I get to know them better.

I have found though I got older that I am more talkative and friendly with strangers now! I always wondered as a young person why older ones seemed so happy to talk to randoms and now I know.

I suspect the unfriendly shop staff probably already knew the other customers they smiled at or possibly the customers were the ones who made the first move by cracking a joke? Shop people get so much verbal abuse now that there is probably some anxiety at their end too.

I have a friend who is very outgoing and extrovert. I was watching her in action and I noticed that she didn’t take it personally if someone wasn’t particularly friendly in return. She just assumed they had a lot going on in their own lives.

Yes I have always experienced exactly this. But exactly!! 🤣

The only reason I don’t always any more is because now I take ADHD meds and they give me a LOT more social confidence. I don’t know how it can make such a difference but it does.

Me too OP.
For those people saying we are just imagining it, really not. Always struggled to make friends, people just don’t seem to want to bother. I’m disabled, that may have something to do with it I imagine, I also have a resting bitch face but I do try to smile more!
I have a couple of hobbies where there are loads of participants who have never once given me the time of day.
I am quite popular at work though because my colleagues know I’m highly skilled and qualified and I make their jobs easier 😃
Acquaintances often make the common mistake of thinking a wheelchair means I also have a learning disability rather than a PhD.

I have this too. I was waiting to be served at a grocery stall once, the man was really chatty and smiley to the lad ahead of me. I was thinking, what a nice place to shop. Then he turned to me. It was like a light switch going off!
I felt weirdly hurt.

I know I am an acquired taste. My friends like me, and family too but to young trendy people I am weird and not at all cool. I seem to attract people with issues too.
I have given up trying to be liked. I have enough friends and I’m ok with that.
when I was younger I so wanted to be in with the cool kids, now I would hate it.
I think, I give off an attitude that either people find interesting or just think I’m weird. 🤪 not saying your weird OP but just be happy with you and don’t stress the rest

You've had good replies OP..I'm sorry it's happening to you but you have friends right? So how did those come about? They were strangers once.
@Girlmom35what did your colleague do about her whiny voice? I think anyone bar a therapist would find this quite as tricky conversation to have with a friend! Even more so when it's not specific but something more general like someone giving off a vibe.

Its interesting, I am the opposite. People seem to warm to me easily and i really do think its a privilege. On the downside, if im at a train station or outside a pub or anywhere really, guaranteed i get hit up by the people off their faces, the down and outs, the hasslers. I think it might be as simple as facial traits, my brother experiences the same privilege and hassle, I think it could be because we have quite "open" faces - people see you as non threatening, for better and for worse

It's not about recognising they're ND as such. But it's clear NT people meet people and even from very brief interactions get a good sense or not about someone. It can be anything. We've probably all had experiences of meeting someone we just didn't like and couldn't say why

Very tiny micro behaviours that are imperceptible.

It's those.

It's just that, in my experience, whenever I feel truly comfortable with someone, click immediately, get along effortlessly, it always transpires that they're ND. Or have a close relative who is ,which means they're probably recognised me too.

No offenc OP but are you typical/normal looking?
I recently developed quite significant alopecia. The difference in how people interact with me is astounding and confronting. I’m struggling with it tbh.

She started speach therapy and has massively improved since.
Happy ending on that front, although it was a hard pill to swallow for her when she realised that this had been affecting not only her career but her entire social life.

This is why it's happening. It's your assumption and even though you dont recognise it, this view about yourself will be seeping out of you in every interaction. Its in your body language, your tone of voice, your micro expressions etc.

These feelings and thoughts about yourself exist in your subconscious mind and they're automatically being triggered when you meet someone. The great thing is- you can change it.

Here is an experiment for you: every day visualise scenes where people greet you warmly, and say lovely things about you. Immerse yourself in these scenes and really feel how happy you feel to have such lovely interactions. Expect people to be happy to see you, keep thinking it over and over again even if you dont believe it at first and I guarantee you, things will change and you'll be surprised and delighted.

I could have written this myself, it happens to me everywhere. I most notice it when I am out with my twin sister, strangers smile at her, move to the side etc but people look straight through me and certainly don’t make conversation.
apparently i give off scary vibes 🤷🏻‍♀️. Although since loosing 4 stone and having Botox this has noticeably reduced!

I agree with the poster who said its the subtle body language cues, how close or far away you stand, smiling and definitely eye contact. Too much or too little direct gaze can be really off putting.

I work in an eye clinic and so am very comfortable looking at eyes and have a smiley face so I get approached a lot. I also have to engage with patients quickly and for a short window of time so there is also likely to be a practised element to it !

My mind is boggling that anyone would care about this. As long as your friends and family don't run away screaming why would you care what anyone else thinks? Be polite and move on.

I get something similar to this, but it's that random people seem to take against me for no apparent reason. It's not everyone - most people are fine, I have to speak to a lot of random people as part of my job and the vast majority I have totally normal interactions with. But there is a small subset of people, with no apparent unifying characteristic, who seem to really dislike me, look and talk to me as if I were a piece of shit (within the bounds of appearing professional), whereas they'll behave totally normally to other people. I've not had any prior substantial interactions with these people, am not friends with someone they hate or vice versa. People in the same work team or friend group will be totally fine with me. It's women of all ages, and generally, younger men. I don't think there's anything particularly bizarre or objectionable about me.