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Original poster

Is it just me that finds people don’t take to me like they take to other people?

61 replies

Addictedtopodcasts · 25/07/2025 14:20

It probably is something I’m doing or not doing or something about me that causes this, I’ve long since accepted that. It doesn’t bother me much these days, or at least not like it used to. I have fantastic friends, husband, kids etc and get on well with colleagues at work.

It’s more of an ‘at first glance’ thing. For example if I’m in a shop and the assistant is serving someone before me, they’ll be very friendly and pleasant to the person they’re serving, then when it’s my turn their tone and attitude changes. I’m always polite, so I don’t know why I’m treated that way. Any attempt to make any conversation with someone in a shop whilst I’m paying is shut down or eye rolled at probably 99% of the time, even when they’ve been chatting away to the customer before me.

Another example is if I’m out with a friend and we see someone that they know, but that I’ve never met before. The other person will normally be very offhand with me and make it obvious they don’t want to engage with me. However if I’m out with a friend and see someone that I know but that my friend doesn’t, they will be welcomed into the conversation.

I know the examples sound petty and like I said, it probably is something about me that causes it, but I’ve no idea what.

I was mainly wondering if anyone else has the same experience and if you have ever worked out why it happens?

OP posts:

Painrelief · 26/07/2025 10:31

sameshizz · 25/07/2025 14:32

I know what you mean. Although I think I’m most likely undiagnosed neurodiverse and give out a ‘vibe’ people don’t like.

I totally feel like this too.
I suspect I have adhd and I feel like people don’t have time for people like me . We get overlooked . If I’m in a group talking I feel invisible like my opinion don’t matter and maybe coz we struggle to get to the point 🤣
I know I’m not very direct and can’t handle abrupt people so I avoid them .

Disturbia81 · 26/07/2025 11:42

Whenwillthisendhey · 25/07/2025 20:46

I don’t see how someone could sense someone was ND that quickly though

I can sense it from a distance and I’m NT, there’s lots that gives it away.
The difference is it makes me want to talk to them more rather than less!

NameChangedOfc · 26/07/2025 12:19

Girlmom35 · 25/07/2025 14:33

That must be really difficult, not knowing why you're treated so differently.

So, the way I see it there are two possible explanations.

One is you're fixating on things and you have confirmation bias. Which means, once we believe something to be true we will register every bit of information that confirms this theory and we will forget/ignore/discard every bit of information that disproves our theory. Leaving us with countless peices of evidence that our theory is right. So the first challenge is to really ask yourself whether this is true or not. That's not something anyone can do for you and it takes a very clear, unbiased mind.
Are people really more rude and unwelcoming to you, or are you just so fixated on it that you tend to blow these events out of proportion?

Two is that there is something in your verbal or non-verbal communication style that really puts people off. In that case, since you mention you do have friends, I'd start by really asking that question to people who know you well. Tell them not to sugarcoat it. They aren't doing you a favour by minimising a trait of yours that is subconsciously driving people away from you.
I once had a colleague who had an incredibly whiney voice - we're therapists by the way - and she was asking me if it happens to me too that clients stop showing up after the first or second session. She was 40 and had spend her entire career not knowing that her voice was incredibly uncomforting. And everybody knew, but she was never given that feedback, so she was also never able to do anything about it.

Brilliant reply.

I would add a third option: because of confirmation bias, you (OP) are less confident/defensive/preoccupied and you give off this vibe that Girlmom talks about in the second option.

So it may have started as a perception you had, but then you act on it and it has "real" consequences.

I've felt like you at different stages of my life, and I believe in my case it's exactly what I just said.

NameChangedOfc · 26/07/2025 12:24

Cinaferna · 25/07/2025 20:59

I think maybe people pick up on an intensity which they read a sneediness. Like, if they make small talk to the woman before you in the queue she doesn;t care and will be off in moments. But maybe they instinctively note that it matters to you, that you want and need this interaction (even if you don;t) and that you may keep them talking longer than they should if they need to get back to work.

I'm not saying any of this is accurate, it just maybe a misreading, on their part, of autism/ND which they perceive as intense or potential hard work socially.

Either way, the cure is not to care at all what others think of you or how they treat you if they are strangers. Weirdly, as soon as this is genuinely true, they become pleasant and engage with you.

Yes to this, totally.

clinellwipe · 26/07/2025 12:37

I’ve been very slim and I’ve been obese (and everything in between), I always get treated better when I’m at a lower weight. It’s depressing but for me it’s true

Alwayswonderedwhy · 26/07/2025 12:49

I understand this! Like you it doesn't bother me as much as I've got older. I think in probably undiagnosed ND and maybe give off a vibe I'm not aware of. I have realised that when I think I'm smiling it's not very obvious, I don't think my face always matches my feelings. Could that be the case with you?

Needhelp101 · 26/07/2025 13:28

CuttedPearPie · 25/07/2025 22:46

Its interesting, I am the opposite. People seem to warm to me easily and i really do think its a privilege. On the downside, if im at a train station or outside a pub or anywhere really, guaranteed i get hit up by the people off their faces, the down and outs, the hasslers. I think it might be as simple as facial traits, my brother experiences the same privilege and hassle, I think it could be because we have quite "open" faces - people see you as non threatening, for better and for worse

This is very interesting. I'm ND but I always get approached. I've been asked for directions more times than I can count, even when visiting other countries.

AutumnFog · 26/07/2025 14:05

Do you smile a lot? Some people have a resting face which looks grumpy or mean (obviously can't be helped) but people might be getting that impression and smiling might help?
Or if you're analysing what people are doing when infront of you etc it might be noticed that you're observing and come across as impatience or staring.

OSTMusTisNT · 26/07/2025 14:11

That happens to me all the time. E.g asked a work colleague if she had a nice holiday and did the kids have fun, answer 'Yes'. Few hours later another colleague asked a similar question and response was 'No, was a nightmare, kids were a pain, by the time I got youngest sorted with food from the buffet and a high chair my food was stone cold etc'

Folk are weird.

I used to work on a public counter and customers used to come in and say 'cheer up might never happen' when I was perfectly happy so maybe it's my face 😂.

IsThisLifeNow · 26/07/2025 14:36

I feel exactly the same and I'm actually starting to get really upset by it.

I suspect I have autism and/or ADHD. I've not really got any close friends, Currently going through a separation after 8 years of marriage and I just feel so utterly unimportant. Like I could vanish tomorrow and while my 2young kids would be sad, they prefer their Dad to me, I honestly don't think anyone would miss me at all.

I found out this afternoon that a group of work 'friends' are getting together for a bbq. At least, I thought they were friends. The host lives very close to me and I'll literally drive past their house on my way home.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 26/07/2025 14:56

I get this. I'm autistic.

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