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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silly argument - who is unreasonable

57 replies

Wiennetta · 24/07/2025 09:41

Argument which I think has blown out of proportion! Can someone give me some perspective? Should I have apologised?

I got home at 10:45pm from meeting friends, DH works shifts and had been on early shifts but was not working the next day.

He knew I was going out - just casual local drinks with friends. He didn’t ask me what time I would be home or anything in advance and didn’t text me when I was out to check in.

When I got home he was grumpy and ranting about doing all the night time chores (taking the dog out and closing the blinds etc). He didn’t say hello or ask how I was or anything.

It became apparent that he was pissed off that I was out late. He said he wanted to get an early night and said if he had known that it would be 10:45 by the time I got back, he would have gone to sleep earlier.

I said I’m entitled to go out and if he wanted to know what time I was going to be home he could have asked. I didn’t know in advance the time I would be home as it was just drinks with friends.

This had escalated as now - the next morning - he’s still pissed because apparently I ‘never apologise’ and I should have just said sorry for keeping him up. He said if I just apologised everything would have been fine.

He said it’s fine to apologise for things that aren’t your fault (like, sorry I just trod on your toe). I said if I come home and he’s grumpy and rude I don’t immediately feel like apologising.

Are we both unreasonable? I struggle to know as I don’t feel like I did anything wrong but I also agree sometimes just apologising even if something isn’t your fault helps the situation.

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 24/07/2025 09:45

He IBU. You did nothing wrong. He didn’t have to wait up for you and having to take out the (presumably his own) dog is part of the deal surely?!

However, both of you in stalemate doesn’t help anyone. But I would be talking about things HE could do next time to prevent him feeling resentful.

Unless this is part of a bigger pattern of him being controlling or unhappy about you having a social life. In which case, he is being even more unreasonable and you need to look at the marriage as a whole.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 09:47

YANBU. Is this a pattern of behaviour from him? Does he try to stop you going out or make a fuss when you do?

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 24/07/2025 09:47

You've done nothing to apologise for. Don't do it just to appease him, it is controlling.

He's been grumpy and unreasonable, and should be the one saying sorry.

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 09:49

What time would he normally go to bed?

It's a bit inconsiderate not to give him any idea when you'd be home. Not sure why you'd refuse to apologise, I do when I realise I've been a bit selfish.

Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear! Maybe others will have different views 😀

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 09:50

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 09:49

What time would he normally go to bed?

It's a bit inconsiderate not to give him any idea when you'd be home. Not sure why you'd refuse to apologise, I do when I realise I've been a bit selfish.

Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear! Maybe others will have different views 😀

She didn’t stop him from going to bed and if he’d wanted to know when she was back, he could have just asked.

speakball · 24/07/2025 09:53

Does he have form for painting himself as a victim in order to be unkind and confuse you?

Eenameenadeeka · 24/07/2025 09:58

I don't see how you did anything wrong. He could have asked when you would be back. Does he usually wait up for you?

Meadowfinch · 24/07/2025 09:59

He's being completely ridiculous.

You are an adult and had told him you were going for drinks. 10.45pm is not 3 in the morning. If he had wanted to know what time you would be home he could have called and asked.

Taking the dog out and closing the blinds !!! Gosh, that must be really hard work !! 🙄

What was stopping him from going to bed earlier? Is he incapable of climbing the stairs on his own?

I'd take no notice of his moodiness. You have nothing to apologise for. Let him get over it on his own.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2025 10:06

He is punishing you for going out. In his head he thinks you’re going to talk with and or go off with another man. Such controlling behaviour from him is unacceptable and I would be thinking long and hard about your marriage as a whole.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 24/07/2025 10:07

You’re both being unreasonable for it to have escalated this far without coming up with a resolution. It sounds like your husband like to have forewarning and certainty about what is happening.

Is he an anxious type? I am so I can relate to this. I don’t mind what my partner does, I just want to know what is happening and what the plan is. I understand that could be perceived as controlling but luckily my partner is happy to get into the habit of keeping me updated. In our favour is that I don’t behave as unreasonably as your husband does, I’m not demanding apologies and painting my partner as being in the wrong, I totally get this is my issue. Perhaps your husband is afraid of vulnerability and so is externalising the issue, ie putting the blame totally on you.

So having written all that out I would say you have a solvable relational issue but overall your husband is the most unreasonable and making it more dramatic than it needs to be.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 10:09

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 24/07/2025 10:07

You’re both being unreasonable for it to have escalated this far without coming up with a resolution. It sounds like your husband like to have forewarning and certainty about what is happening.

Is he an anxious type? I am so I can relate to this. I don’t mind what my partner does, I just want to know what is happening and what the plan is. I understand that could be perceived as controlling but luckily my partner is happy to get into the habit of keeping me updated. In our favour is that I don’t behave as unreasonably as your husband does, I’m not demanding apologies and painting my partner as being in the wrong, I totally get this is my issue. Perhaps your husband is afraid of vulnerability and so is externalising the issue, ie putting the blame totally on you.

So having written all that out I would say you have a solvable relational issue but overall your husband is the most unreasonable and making it more dramatic than it needs to be.

If you required certainty, you’d have just asked her when she was back, would you not? And if you failed to do that, it would be on you?

I’m not seeing where the OP is being unreasonable at all. Placating a partner who is behaving poorly isn’t a reasonable expectation.

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 10:09

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2025 10:06

He is punishing you for going out. In his head he thinks you’re going to talk with and or go off with another man. Such controlling behaviour from him is unacceptable and I would be thinking long and hard about your marriage as a whole.

I think this is a bit of a reach. It would have been true of my first husband (not the jealousy, but the micro-control), but certainly not of my second (who just likes to be kept in the loop!).

OP, only you know which category your DH falls into.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2025 10:10

He’s not anxious; he is pissed off that his wife had the cheek to go out without him leaving him to see to their dog and the blinds

.Moodiness as well is an example of emotional abuse.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 10:11

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 10:09

I think this is a bit of a reach. It would have been true of my first husband (not the jealousy, but the micro-control), but certainly not of my second (who just likes to be kept in the loop!).

OP, only you know which category your DH falls into.

Show quote history

Again, if he falls into the second category, he could have just asked.

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 10:13

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 10:11

Again, if he falls into the second category, he could have just asked.

Show quote history

He might just have thought that if she was going to be out much later than his usual bedtime, it would occur to her to drop him a quick text to let him know? Call me weird... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Endofyear · 24/07/2025 10:14

Sounds like he's just being moody because you went out with friends which is a bit of a red flag! Taking the dog out and closing the blinds is hardly doing all the night time work! Why did you being out make him stay up? If DH goes out in the evening, I just go to bed when I want to - isn't that normal?

I wouldn't have apologised either - you had nothing to apologise for!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2025 10:15

He’s still pissed off the following day and op returning home at 10;45 is not that late. How is his behavior not controlling here?. He is an adult who can go to bed at whatever time he chooses. No he wanted to wait up for op to return so he could get back at her for committing this transgression in his head.

Beachtastic · 24/07/2025 10:17

10:45 is not that late if you both keep the same daily timetable.

Still, OP, if you think his real problem is with you seeing friends, then you definitely do have a problem on your hands and should LTB as I did!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2025 10:21

Op

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

Rooroobear · 24/07/2025 10:30

He’s an adult who can set his own bedtime. He’s trying to make you feel guilty for daring to go out. DO NOT APOLOGISE. Awww did he have to shut the blinds and take the dog out? Boo fucking hoo. He needs to get a grip. Tell him to sort his shit out and stop having a mantrum

Rooroobear · 24/07/2025 10:32

And also just a side note….you’re also an adult who can make your own decisions on going out and what time to go home. You don’t answer to him. So what if he had been up early, you can still go out and come home whenever and then be a bit considerate of noise is all.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 24/07/2025 10:34

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 10:09

If you required certainty, you’d have just asked her when she was back, would you not? And if you failed to do that, it would be on you?

I’m not seeing where the OP is being unreasonable at all. Placating a partner who is behaving poorly isn’t a reasonable expectation.

Show quote history

Yes he has failed to articulate his need for certainty in a reasonable manner, so he is being the most unreasonable, which is what I said.

As a couple they are both ‘unreasonable’ as this is an easily solvable relational issue.

Assuming this isn’t part of a larger pattern of abuse, but the OP will need to give us more information for us to conclude that.

Lmnop22 · 24/07/2025 10:46

If he wanted to go to bed, why not just bloody well go to bed?? He’s an adult not a child who needs to be tucked in!

Also, letting the dog out and closing the blinds are hardly laborious chores and presumably he does them sometimes anyway whether you’re in or out…

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 24/07/2025 10:55

You are perfectly entitled to go out when you want to and the silent treatment is a form of abuse!

You need to communicate better (both of you). Of course you don't need to say when you will be home like a child but you can say not sure when I'll be back. Like when DH is going to get up stupidly early to run - I just sleep that night in the spare room as I can't go back to sleep after being woken up and I have to be rested for work. And he needs to grow up.

CurlewKate · 24/07/2025 11:02

I stopped at “night time chores”. Unless you live in a castle that is just stupid.