Is my confidence threatening to men?

[lovenotwar149]

Ok ladies, pls give your thoughts on this.......
So I'm a 'mature' lady and my confidence has grown tremendously in the last 5 yrs I would say. I know , and its been noted , that my behaviours have really changed in this time. I have much firmer boundaries ,I know what my negotiables/non-negotiables are etc I am assertive when I need to be and I will most definitely stand my ground and say no on certain things.
I have noticed , 3 examples with different men, one being my hubby, the other a friend and the 3rd a work colleague, tension is in the air. The commonality being I have called them out on a thing or two and they don't like it one little bit. In the past I would have kept quiet or bought into their version of events. Not so much now, I see a different perspective and am not afraid to express my differing opinion.
BUT I still feel 'rejected' ,as all 3 men are behaving more distant towards me now. This doesn't feel nice at all, yet I believe in and value my perspective and I WILL express it. What can I do?

You’re sounding so erratic.

I think you should practice your new personality in people who haven’t known you before, join something, anything, that involves mixing with people.

Also, for some reason your issue with the cooking and washing up gave me the cringes, was so rigid and lacking in goodwill. …Just get a dishwasher … brilliant. And sometimes even a food delivery!

Lovenotwar -eh? Are you uk based, it’s a bit early to be on the sauce.

There isn’t much point in seeking others perspectives if you are then rude when they give them. I am beginning to think that they are reasonable in how they are reacting to you and that actually it’s you not liking a negative response to your rudeness that is the problem or you are just being goady. Maybe buy a different self-help book next time.

You dont sound threatening or confident op you sound like you want attention ans somewhat bully to get it.

It all sounds like me me me like you pick for the sake of it because you can get away with it.
If you carry on like this you will push people away.
Its not calling them out like you think it's intimidating.
Why not be a bit more classy about it.
If know one messages me back for days on end i dont go chasing and so called calling them out.
I just leave it and do the same right back quietly.
Sorry op but some of your replies are cringey.
What you think is not what others are seeing.
Im a threatening woman people are threatened by me its embarrassing op.
This is not what other will all see they may be thinking your bully here comes the nit picker attention seeker.

OP I think you went from just letting shit slide and being a bit of a doormat to pointing out when someone hasn’t done what they said they would or are not treating you the way you think they should.

Your DH is upset because he’s being challenged, friends I would let slide

OP has probably for the first time in her life started standing up for herself, it may not seem like a big deal to other people but for her it is, especially if you’ve spent your life being “good” and trying to “accommodate” men. Good for you OP.

My mum terrorised me and completely eroded my ability to say no, this had consequences for me. Being able to just say “no, I can’t do that” seems like such a small non thing for a lot of people but for me it was a massive deal.

User37482

I really have been far too accommodating b4, far too. I feel like a COMPLETELY different person now.
I'll give u all a good example....
this happened sooo many times.
We (me and my husband) would be in the car , he would be driving.
We would be chatting , as u do , and then all of a sudden , my husband would lose the way and blame me for talking . And GET THIS... I would take all the responsibility for it and apologise. I saw the light a few yrs ago, and when in the same situation , I said 'politely' ( he thought I was criticising) pls can you let me know when u need to focus and I will stop talking. I say that is both fair & assertive too, Guess what happened , I stopped talking so much , and he lost the way anyway,
My point here , is used to take responsibility for both my errors AND HIS.
UH UH ...no more!!!!!! I'll own my shit - and dome washing up ....the other can do their own!!!!

User37482

your mum sounds like my mum

Yeah people don’t understand unless they’ve had their personality shaped by trying to be acceptable to someone who will never find you acceptable.

SaywhatIthink

I dont pick for the sake of it

User37482

I have stood up to my mum now though....that was very empowering

User37482

I used to have toppers her feet. When I got older and started saying no , I would get the silent treatment which hurt like hell and made me feel so insecure and unloved , so I ended up doing it...again and again and again

to press her feet

Mrsttcno1

No I dont like drama. I like to know where I stand so I ask.

People who've been used to having their own way don't like it when the doormat starts getting up and walking.

Sometimes they adapt, sometimes they don't.

Actually, my first long term relationship, a man I still remember with much affection and appreciation, surprised me a great deal when he said he'd hate to have a girlfriend who didn't have her own opinions and couldn't argue her own corner. It hadn't been my experience with father and boyfriends until that point.

You keep on being you, OP. It's perhaps just possible that after long silence you might be going a bit far the other way (possibly, not certainly!) but if that's the case, you'll find the right balance in time.

Edited for typos

You are coming across as very big headed. There's a way of changing your boundaries in a calm quiet way and being boosted inwardly by a resolve to be stronger.

Perhaps you are becoming obnoxious in your self congratulatory manner.

I would imagine because your husband and other men you know have already met strong confident women they hardly see you as one. Because really you are so far from threatening its laughable.
I wouldn't worry on the threatening front.

Good for you! But can you see that you doing such a volte-face might well throw people for a while. They're used to you being compliant. They're going to take time to get used to the new you. They might NEVER get used to the new you. Not ever.

Well done for changing if its what you want but what is a good change for you might not be perceived as a good change for others

Something similar happened to my sister (the opposite in fact, NOT being so boundaried) and she ended up divorcing

I am happy to walk alone if it comes to it. Atm , I am running my days alone , just about and they are very very enjoyable!!

As long as you are making the right decision for you and you're not fucking up any small children's lives....

I come from an Indian background where women take second place, well thats was what I witnessed growing up.
I still recall my uncle and his wife coming testy . She walked behind him and served him his dinner and only ate hers when he had finished his.
Can u believe I used to ( many yrs ago ) serve my husband his dinner.....and I thought I was such a "good" wife...so did he!
Yes its a definite 180 turn now, which hasn't happened overnight, but the turn is pretty complete now , I wont/cant go back!

my kids are all over 26

all left home

Havingaswimmoose

Well I am glad you are having a laugh! My kinda girl! ;)

Havingaswimmoose
Am absolutely done with being quiet! Not shrinking b/c of other ppls insecurities anymore. Take it or leave it!!

I'm not the only one.

Thats great! Laugh away , its the best medicine and its free!!