Is my confidence threatening to men?

[lovenotwar149]

Ok ladies, pls give your thoughts on this.......
So I'm a 'mature' lady and my confidence has grown tremendously in the last 5 yrs I would say. I know , and its been noted , that my behaviours have really changed in this time. I have much firmer boundaries ,I know what my negotiables/non-negotiables are etc I am assertive when I need to be and I will most definitely stand my ground and say no on certain things.
I have noticed , 3 examples with different men, one being my hubby, the other a friend and the 3rd a work colleague, tension is in the air. The commonality being I have called them out on a thing or two and they don't like it one little bit. In the past I would have kept quiet or bought into their version of events. Not so much now, I see a different perspective and am not afraid to express my differing opinion.
BUT I still feel 'rejected' ,as all 3 men are behaving more distant towards me now. This doesn't feel nice at all, yet I believe in and value my perspective and I WILL express it. What can I do?

This must be a wind up. Reporting

Not sure. Sometimes people think they are being assertive and standing their ground, but others just see nit picking about insignificant things.

Do you think that because you've not spoken up in the past it is you projecting the bad feeling it gives you on the men. You feel unsettled and see a bad reaction where there isn't one.

Agree. Telling your ‘hubby’ it’s his turn to dry up isn’t exactly screaming ‘kick arse female boss’ to ne

Think you are being just a tad over dramatic

Being confident is having the courage of your convictions not calling people out, not criticising them or unnecessarily talking then where they have gone wrong.

I think it’s the subtleties in your delivery and intent not your confidence which I fear you are confusing with the above.

If you're going to stand your ground on matters that are important to you you're going to have to learn to care less about people's reactions.

It’s probably because you previously had a dynamic with them before in which you would just quietly accept your DH changing mutual plans and or just not saying anything after a long line of excuses. People who were used to that will resist and feel defensive when suddenly they need to face up to the fact that when they deprioritise you, you have feelings about it.
Is your DH aware that you are trying to speak up more? Perhaps reframe it as a new approach that you are taking with everyone for a healthier relationship, as the old approach was not working for you and leading to developing feelings of resentment, depression etc. Perhaps acknowledge it will take time for people to adjust to the changes and be patient with them.

I do understand what you are trying to do. Keeping resentment bottled up slowly poisons relationships and speaking your mind earlier on rather than exploding later is a better way to go about it.

I think a lot of men, even very nice men, deep down have problems with assertive confident women. I am in a social group, there are 3 I can think of who really find it hard to deal with if I have an opinion about what we are doing, but are ok when it comes from other men. All would be horrified if you pointed it out to them, but it is there and present (and verified by other people). Its a shame, but I am not sure it is repairable if they are this dug in and blind to what they are reacting to.

What have I just read? It's the summer holidays right?

There’s an extremely fine line between confident and rude

I work with someone who prides herself on in being “straight taking “ the reality is she comes across as a rude twat

My husband has had a huge challenge adjusting to my assertion of boundaries that comes to us “at a certain age”. Where’s my compliant wife?

I got fed up with always coming last, I got fed up saying yes to keep the peace. I realised more of my life is behind me rather than in front and I want some of it on my terms!

TwistedWonder
Agree. Telling your ‘hubby’ it’s his turn to dry up isn’t exactly screaming ‘kick arse female boss’ to ne

Funniest line on here !!!

Well I tell u what ladies , maybe Im not as bad ass as I thought, but I def have a cracking sense of humour!!! Laughing hard at some of these comments ...lol

I can see that from what I have said , I may sound dramatic. Thats kind of condesending and hurtful to say that imo. I feel bothered/upset enough to write on here , so pls , without condescending, pls try to see my perspective.
I have been way too accommodating in the past , Ive been married for over 30 yrs, and havent kicked ass much , so what I am doing now is my version of kicking ass...well done to me!!!

we have all come from different starting points in life, I am where I am at and it feels good to speak up for myself now, in ways I wasn't doing before. I am proud of myself.

ZenNudist

You seem like you have a good sense of humour, I like it!

I think you were impolite to your friend, and the same would apply if it was a female friend. Re your husband, I think it’s normal to point out where domestic agreements aren’t adhered to.

Might have missed the work colleague incident so can’t comment.

Well done for standing up for yourself!! Keep doing it and too bad if they don't like it, they're going to have to get used to it.

Encorage

And I thought my friend was impolite not to have replied to my msgs and fobbing me off with excuses. Thats my perspective. Well done to me for speaking my mind on this ...here 'n now!

Hes hardly rejecting you! Scowly face is just a bit pissed off

And this isn't a boundary its a request.

Perhaps you're not fully embedded into your new personality as yet and the scared compliant you, still sees things which aren't really there?

chatgptsbestmate

fair comment , I'll give this some thought - thx

If you’re having issues with multiple people around the same thing you have to wonder if it’s you and your brash attitude.
Things like “calling someone out” because they don’t respond to your messages in what you deem to be a timely manner is hardly going to be productive.

No your confidence doesn’t sound threatening to men. You asked your husband to dry some pots and he said ok, hardly the most threatening behaviour

I don’t really get the replies on here. It sounds like the OP has been complaint and doing more than her fair share for several decades and now is trying to assert some fairness with her DH and he is being a bit grumpy about it, rather than just getting on with it. I also think, to the OP, that because you are not used to asserting that your DH do things, you are possibly hyper-aware of his reaction. It was hurtful of him to do something alone that you had previously agreed to do together and he should be doing his fair share properly. So you were not wrong.

I think instead of stewing on his reactions, just follow through your point - he says ‘well, if it is important to you’’, point out it is just being fair to both of you. Don’t get into a back and forth but de-personalise the requests. It’s just fairness and decent communication you want (so if he had said, actually, I would like to do X today, with the thing you were going together you would have known his thoughts ). Another thing is to ask for different behaviour in the future, instead of just criticising the past - so something like, please can you let me know you want to change plans next time?

Hodgemollar

It could also be that the type of men I engage with , build rapport with have similar traits , one of then being lacking accountability. This does seem true