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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my confidence threatening to men?

106 replies

lovenotwar149 · 22/07/2025 20:47

Ok ladies, pls give your thoughts on this.......
So I'm a 'mature' lady and my confidence has grown tremendously in the last 5 yrs I would say. I know , and its been noted , that my behaviours have really changed in this time. I have much firmer boundaries ,I know what my negotiables/non-negotiables are etc I am assertive when I need to be and I will most definitely stand my ground and say no on certain things.
I have noticed , 3 examples with different men, one being my hubby, the other a friend and the 3rd a work colleague, tension is in the air. The commonality being I have called them out on a thing or two and they don't like it one little bit. In the past I would have kept quiet or bought into their version of events. Not so much now, I see a different perspective and am not afraid to express my differing opinion.
BUT I still feel 'rejected' ,as all 3 men are behaving more distant towards me now. This doesn't feel nice at all, yet I believe in and value my perspective and I WILL express it. What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 07:10

TalulaHalulah

Thank you very much. This is on the money. This is where I am at. I have and do say what you wrote i.e. pls can u remember to tell me next time you change the plan that we agreed on? He however , repeats the same thing. And when I say something about it , he says ' I dont recall that conversation.'Its most frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 07:12

Thank u for comments ppl, I have read them all , some more than once too.
Bottom line - I am continuing to do ME , and unapologetically. I like this new me VERY VERY much indeed. My self respect in most def on the up! Thx again ppl xx

OP posts:
Sandyoldelbows · 23/07/2025 07:13

Does your husband know that you are feeling more confident? I’m not saying you shouldn’t be but from his perspective you probably just seem grumpy or cross about something. I imagine it would be a bit of a shock when your previously compliant wife finally reaches the ‘fuck this’ stage. Perhaps tell him that you are in perimenopause and your nurturing hormones are declining. Happens to us all and it’s very liberating! But unless you actually want to leave your husband you do need to be a bit, erm, strategic in your defence of your boundaries.

TalulaHalulah · 23/07/2025 07:27

lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 07:10

TalulaHalulah

Thank you very much. This is on the money. This is where I am at. I have and do say what you wrote i.e. pls can u remember to tell me next time you change the plan that we agreed on? He however , repeats the same thing. And when I say something about it , he says ' I dont recall that conversation.'Its most frustrating

And then some men wonder why their wife is divorcing them. Not that I am suggesting you do this, of course, but it’s the cumulation of these little things once you start to notice them which erodes your relationship.
He is just hoping you will find it easier to go back to how you were and he won’t have to step up.

KnewYearKnewMe · 23/07/2025 07:37

Good for you, OP.

what’s lead to the intentional change?

Anchorage56 · 23/07/2025 07:38

lovenotwar149 · 22/07/2025 21:04

well one noticeable change is im not asking 'him' for his opinion on matters, I already have mine...lol

Whose 'him' - your husband? Good that you have more confidence but why would that mean you dont care for your husband's opinions on things. Dont go too far the other way!

inkognitha · 23/07/2025 07:49

Stop talking about it, express it in actions

Lecturing a man after they do something wrong or laying out your principles at length through monologue is not efficient.

Not because you don’t have the right to speak out (you effing do) but because men don’t get memos like that. They hate being lectured or nagged or have their DP turn into their mothers, it breaks everyone’s balls.

Your husband goes somewhere without you for one day? You don’t break out your smile, but you go away without him for one week

A male friend is taking the piss? Vanish or find a way to get your back.

Etcetera. Talk is cheap, actions are everything to men. They need to feel the rug taken out off their feet and time to process.

OP, verbalise less your newfound confidence, act it more.

Sandyoldelbows · 23/07/2025 07:54

I do think you need to decide if you want to stay with him or not, and if you are ok with the potential of him leaving you and adjust your actions accordingly. If you don’t want him to leave a more subtle and psychological approach may be needed!

Sandyoldelbows · 23/07/2025 07:56

Also - if you ‘call out’ friends assume that you will lose them.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 07:57

inkognitha

Oh thank u v much for this. Its spot on. I would say I am doing both...actions and errr yes a bit of lecturing too....yuk!
I see it , I see it ...thx. Will ammend!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 07:59

Sandyoldelbows
I will and have. So be it. Interestingly I thank ppl when they call me out , my husband knows this too. It terrifies him I think b/c he cant say shit when I call him out...just behaves passively agressiively...YUK

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:00

In a honest relationship with a partner /friend /relation ...there are going to be times when uncomfortable conversations need to be had. If a 'friend' runs when this happens....I say run faster

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:02

In a honest relationship with a partner /friend /relation ...there are going to be times when uncomfortable conversations need to be had. If a 'friend' runs when this happens....I say run faster

WOWZA!! OMG ,can u hear this ppl ...can u hear it????

OP posts:
Sandyoldelbows · 23/07/2025 08:02

Well in that case - go for it! I think I’d say something like ‘I’ve got to an age where I really can’t put up with being taken for granted any more so if I seem to be moaning that’s why’.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 23/07/2025 08:11

You say if a friend runs, run faster but then you’re here to ask if you’re pushing people away and have caused their reaction. If you don’t care, why the need for a post?

It does seem like you’ve read something about being assertive and decided that you’re now going to pick at everything because that fits what you think your new personality is about. Real confidence comes from actively distancing yourself from people if they wrong you and not giving a toss if they never reply. It comes from acting truthfully and not worrying about the consequence. It also comes from not feeling a need to constantly pick because you may otherwise feel you’ve lost your new assertive trait. Confident people don’t give their confidence so much as a second thought, whereas this doesn’t actually seem like this is you. It seems all talk, to be honest. Maybe your husband senses this and it is therefore coming across as just being deliberately angry and wanting to push an argument.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:25

Namechanged4obviousreasons

Please run away from me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:26

Namechanged4obviousreasons

Couldn't resist!! I have a cracking sense of humour - he doesn't like that either!!!!

OP posts:
IsSheOkayOrWhat · 23/07/2025 08:34

lovenotwar149 · 22/07/2025 20:58

another example , we have an arrangement here that I cook 1 week and him the next. But in terms of the drying up , he doesn't do it that much during his wk, and he doesn't do any when its my cooking wk. I brought this up and he scowled

Sounds like you need some new men in your life. I’m like you, have been for years, I’m 37, I get the brunt of all situations, eg: nights out with girlfriend I’m an easy target for less confident women & men, I’ll stand up for what I think is right, men that see you as a threat to their masculinity won’t like it. “Don’t tell me to do the dishes” “ don’t tell me when to reply” bla bla. So boring! Can I ask if you’re going through the menopause?

Sandyoldelbows · 23/07/2025 08:37

Lovenotwar - your responses are confusing. Is this a reverse? In your op you said you feel rejected by their responses to call you and what can you do, now I think you are implying that your friends should run. I don’t think you can have it both ways - they liked the ‘old’ you, if they don’t like the ‘new’ you there’s not much you can do. I do think you need to reflect on whether you are actually are feeling more confident or you are trying to make yourself feel more confident by selecting somethings to ‘make a stand’ on and actually cOming across as rude or lecturing. Confidence is about more than just ‘calling people out’. I am always wary of people who say they have a great sense of humour, IME they are people who engage in ‘banter’ or sarcasm, which isn’t funny.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:39

I have been through it.
5 years ago I walked away from very abusive family relatives that were a big part of my life. I FINALLY stood up totem ALL and said no more! I grew inches taller. Since then I have noticed I now stand up for myself in all relationships, Some dont like me now ....so be it. Interestingly ,my relationship with my 3 adult sons is growing from strength to strenght...thats the proof in the pudding!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:40

Sandyoldelbows

Knock knock

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:40

Sandyoldelbows

I made this one up....I think its hilarious!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:42

Sandyoldelbows

Being confident imo doesn't mean you are never doubtful. It also doesn't mean you dont seek other perspectives from time to time, hence my post

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:42

and I am glad I have. Very interesting and I stand tall. Im doing me unapologetically too!

OP posts:
IsSheOkayOrWhat · 23/07/2025 08:43

lovenotwar149 · 23/07/2025 08:39

I have been through it.
5 years ago I walked away from very abusive family relatives that were a big part of my life. I FINALLY stood up totem ALL and said no more! I grew inches taller. Since then I have noticed I now stand up for myself in all relationships, Some dont like me now ....so be it. Interestingly ,my relationship with my 3 adult sons is growing from strength to strenght...thats the proof in the pudding!!!

I think the menopause can definitely change us woman’s perspective on things and people around us. We have less tolerance for it and as you get older that becomes clearer. I guess you have to tread carefully now as if you love your husband and want to stay with him you can just go around with a brick wall infront of you. Talk to him though, just say how you feel and that things will need to change a bit. My husband is calm and very good at calming me, I’m a fireball sometimes which I also don’t like but we are a good team. You need that.