Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter and Partner don’t get on- what do I do?

79 replies

lonelywife123 · 22/07/2025 11:34

Apologies in advance, this is a long one. I’ve been with my partner 18 months, we’ve been living together for 4 months with my DDs 21 lives with me full time and 17 DD half with her dad half with me. Dad and I are very friendly exes, no issues there. My DD 21 has never been the biggest fan of my partner, they have very different opinions on politics, global warming, things like that but have always got on ok. DD 17 and partner get on great despite differing opinions. DD has recently bought a house and asked me on Thursday to take her sofa shopping on Saturday, I already had plans with partner and his family, DD 17 was at her dads so I said no. She seemed fine with that but on Sunday my 17 DD told me she’d said I was putting my partners needs before theirs and that he is a piece of s**t. Partner heard this and is upset that she’s said this. DD states this was a rant when she was angry and she didn’t mean it which I understand but I also understand partners anger at this when he’s tried so hard to build a relationship with her. He’s now saying he’s done with her and having any kind of relationship. I’m so stuck in the middle, I see both sides but I just don’t know what to do. I cannot continue in a relationship with someone where my daughter is not welcome in my home, my mother did this to me and it was deeply damaging but I also love my partner to death, we had a miscarriage in May and are next to be getting married and trying again for a baby. I just don’t know what to do- does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Dinosaurshoebox · 22/07/2025 11:36

At 21 she can get a bloody grip.
She's an adult and needs to learn the very basic of adult concepts.

Other adults have lives and are do not drop everything going at the click of her fingers.

Beamur · 22/07/2025 11:40

Your partner needs to get over this.
Your DD has mouthed off, not pretty, but if she's apologised he needs to let it go.
If he won't budge, then pick your DD unless you want to be estranged from her.
Personally I would always prioritise children over partners. Even adult children.

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2025 11:42

Why did she need help sofa shopping?

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/07/2025 11:42

Your DD was extremely rude, both for expecting you to drop your plans at short notice and also for her comments. Has she apologised to you AND your partner for her words?

Your DP is also unreasonable. I get that he was hurt by her comment (who wouldn't be!) but to be saying he's done with her after one incident is extreme. Unless there's more to this and other things have happened?

Your DD is still maturing. She's adapting to your relationship, to all moving in together, and her DM trying to have another baby. If your DP doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand and deal with that then he's not a keeper.

Dinosaurshoebox · 22/07/2025 11:46

Beamur · 22/07/2025 11:40

Your partner needs to get over this.
Your DD has mouthed off, not pretty, but if she's apologised he needs to let it go.
If he won't budge, then pick your DD unless you want to be estranged from her.
Personally I would always prioritise children over partners. Even adult children.

If dD would estrange over not being able to control the OP then good riddance.

Alot of Adult children are under the belief that they hold all the cards with the threat of damaging the relationship when they aren't even likable people.

OP find your peace!

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 11:47

I'm going to give it to you straight.

You're going to have to choose.

A boyfriend of 18 months with only 4 months living together. That's awfully fast to meet and move someone in and then there's already conflict with one of your kids after a mere 4 months of living together but still try to start another family.

Your oldest. She's an adult but she and this guy have conflict and she's going to be unwelcome in your home because of that conflict. She doesn't like him and he resents that.

Your oldest is already feeling replaced. You've recreated what you went through with your mom.

I would never choose a man over kids. One of a mere year and a half, ha. But I grew up in a family that gave me a really good example of things NOT to do with your kids.

Sevenamcoffee · 22/07/2025 11:51

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 11:47

I'm going to give it to you straight.

You're going to have to choose.

A boyfriend of 18 months with only 4 months living together. That's awfully fast to meet and move someone in and then there's already conflict with one of your kids after a mere 4 months of living together but still try to start another family.

Your oldest. She's an adult but she and this guy have conflict and she's going to be unwelcome in your home because of that conflict. She doesn't like him and he resents that.

Your oldest is already feeling replaced. You've recreated what you went through with your mom.

I would never choose a man over kids. One of a mere year and a half, ha. But I grew up in a family that gave me a really good example of things NOT to do with your kids.

Yes this. I’d pick my dd every time. It’s a no brainer.

VintageDiamondGirl · 22/07/2025 11:53

Difficult to comment without knowing your 21 year old's side. Your youngest should really have kept her older sister's 'rant' to herself. She stirred up trouble by telling you about it.

If your partner has said that your daughter is not welcome in your house 'I cannot continue in a relationship with someone where my daughter is not welcome in my home', I would be rethinking the relationship (with the partner).

I suspect there is more to her dislike of him than just differences of opinion on climate change.

18 months seems really soon to be living together and planning to get married and have a new baby. I am sorry for the miscarriage you experienced. I just feel that maybe your children needed more time to adjust to everything, it's a lot to get used to.

MauriceTheMussel · 22/07/2025 11:54

Beamur · 22/07/2025 11:40

Your partner needs to get over this.
Your DD has mouthed off, not pretty, but if she's apologised he needs to let it go.
If he won't budge, then pick your DD unless you want to be estranged from her.
Personally I would always prioritise children over partners. Even adult children.

Ditto

Mrsttcno1 · 22/07/2025 11:55

You’ve only been together 18 months, living together for 4 and talking about marriage and kids- would you be happy in 10 years if your daughters feel about you the way you feel about your own mother?

If not then you have a choice to make.

AelinAG · 22/07/2025 11:55

You’re going waaaaay too fast here. 14 months and you’ve moved him in and started trying for a baby???

Put your DD first.

The fact your partner has overreacted like that to a young girl mouthing off, instead of being an adult about it, would be an immediate end of it for me

FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 11:55

Blimey OP this has all moved very quickly hasn't it! Moving in, miscarriage, marriage, trying for a baby. Why so fast?

nixon1976 · 22/07/2025 11:58

Not the point of the thread but a 21 year old has bought a house? Wow.

Gerwurtztraminer · 22/07/2025 11:59

Well neither of them are behaving like reasonable adults are they.

DD shouldn't be expecting you to drop everything for her at short notice and partner shouldn't be taking it so personally, less alone having a tantrum that he won't have anything more to do with her. Youngest is at least only 17 but even she should have kept her trap shut, you didn't need to know about DD1's rant.

Tell them both to grow up - they don't have to like each other, just have to be civil. Tell DD2 to stop stirring.

BaronessBomburst · 22/07/2025 12:01

Do your daughters know about the miscarriage and TTC? They may feel that you're trying to replace them and build the nuclear family which they don't have.
Your partner is a threat to their relationship with their mother in more ways than one. A new sibling will take your time and attention.
I'm not saying that it's right or fair to feel this way, but it's an emotional response.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/07/2025 12:02

Your DD had a whinge to her sister. That's a perfectly normal thing to do.

If your partner is expecting you to ban your 21 year old from your home over it that's absolutely not a normal thing to do.

CeffylCoch · 22/07/2025 12:02

Your partner needs to grow up and accept the apology. If he’s really ‘done’ he can move out

Beamur · 22/07/2025 12:04

I wonder if your older DD is actually worried about you and this relationship. It does sound fast and intense and now he's trying to separate you from your family/support network.
Red flags OP. Pause on the baby making would be my advice.

NewDogOwner · 22/07/2025 12:12

While your daughter lives at home, this man shouldn't. Get him out.

CopperWhite · 22/07/2025 12:12

Why did you move him into your daughter’s home when you know they didn’t get on? It was inevitable that it would make their relationship worse. Your daughter is young enough that you should put her first.

ForWildLemon · 22/07/2025 12:12

Wow he’s gone real fast to wanting to ban her hasn’t he. Just like he’s gone real fast with moving in, getting you pregnant…..

VictoriaEra · 22/07/2025 12:15

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 11:47

I'm going to give it to you straight.

You're going to have to choose.

A boyfriend of 18 months with only 4 months living together. That's awfully fast to meet and move someone in and then there's already conflict with one of your kids after a mere 4 months of living together but still try to start another family.

Your oldest. She's an adult but she and this guy have conflict and she's going to be unwelcome in your home because of that conflict. She doesn't like him and he resents that.

Your oldest is already feeling replaced. You've recreated what you went through with your mom.

I would never choose a man over kids. One of a mere year and a half, ha. But I grew up in a family that gave me a really good example of things NOT to do with your kids.

Agreed

Girlmom35 · 22/07/2025 12:18

Regardless of your DD's behaviour, no partner should EVER tell you that your child isn't welcome in your home or that he is done with her. For all of the 18 months you've been together, he couldn't have tried that hard yet.
That's unacceptable - apart from very extreme situations, violence etc. This is not an extreme situation. She made a mistake, for which she owed you both an apology.

I'd be extremely concerned with your partners behaviour towards your DD, and I'd advise you to think twice before moving forward with this pregnancy you're planning. It screams red flag.

CaramelGhost · 22/07/2025 12:19

Id tell your 17 year old to stop stirring the pot. Why would she repeat what her sister said in private, never mind Infront of your partner?

And while your children may be/almost be adults, they're still your children. I can't say I'd have been on board with my mum moving in her boyfriend at that age. It would have felt like a stranger in my home. Just give it time

Anyonecanachieve · 22/07/2025 12:24

Dinosaurshoebox · 22/07/2025 11:36

At 21 she can get a bloody grip.
She's an adult and needs to learn the very basic of adult concepts.

Other adults have lives and are do not drop everything going at the click of her fingers.

This my 26 year old step son had a strop at the weekend as we didn’t have time or want to go car shopping with him and had a hissy fit. Err off you go on your own then