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Original poster

Daughter and Partner don’t get on- what do I do?

79 replies

lonelywife123 · 22/07/2025 11:34

Apologies in advance, this is a long one. I’ve been with my partner 18 months, we’ve been living together for 4 months with my DDs 21 lives with me full time and 17 DD half with her dad half with me. Dad and I are very friendly exes, no issues there. My DD 21 has never been the biggest fan of my partner, they have very different opinions on politics, global warming, things like that but have always got on ok. DD 17 and partner get on great despite differing opinions. DD has recently bought a house and asked me on Thursday to take her sofa shopping on Saturday, I already had plans with partner and his family, DD 17 was at her dads so I said no. She seemed fine with that but on Sunday my 17 DD told me she’d said I was putting my partners needs before theirs and that he is a piece of s**t. Partner heard this and is upset that she’s said this. DD states this was a rant when she was angry and she didn’t mean it which I understand but I also understand partners anger at this when he’s tried so hard to build a relationship with her. He’s now saying he’s done with her and having any kind of relationship. I’m so stuck in the middle, I see both sides but I just don’t know what to do. I cannot continue in a relationship with someone where my daughter is not welcome in my home, my mother did this to me and it was deeply damaging but I also love my partner to death, we had a miscarriage in May and are next to be getting married and trying again for a baby. I just don’t know what to do- does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 13:11

HunnyPot · 22/07/2025 12:51

they have very different opinions on politics, global warming, things like that but have always got on ok.

Is your daughter the Farage loving, climate change denier?

I’d bet it’s the other way round and it’s him!

Also what an age gap OP! Do you really want to go back to the baby stage and the whole school debacle 😳🤦‍♀️

Needanight · 22/07/2025 13:14

She had a childish rant. But you've got engaged and started trying for a baby in a very short time frame. He has now stated he is done with her. These are all red flags in my opinion. Maybe she sees more of his true colours then you do? I couldn't be with someone that can't tolerate my child, that would be relationship ending for me.

TorroFerney · 22/07/2025 13:19

MaJoady · 22/07/2025 12:27

Both your DD and your partner sound like they're immature.

Your DD is rude and should apologise for her comments. Your partner should be a grown up, accept the apology and get over it. Both need to make an effort if their relationship is to improve.

Difference being she is immature as she is 21 and her brain is not fully developed. What is the partners excuse?

She didn't say anything to the op or the man, but to her sister who should have kept her mouth shut but she is also young.

The emotional maturity should be modelled by the adult in all this.

Starlight7080 · 22/07/2025 13:21

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 11:47

I'm going to give it to you straight.

You're going to have to choose.

A boyfriend of 18 months with only 4 months living together. That's awfully fast to meet and move someone in and then there's already conflict with one of your kids after a mere 4 months of living together but still try to start another family.

Your oldest. She's an adult but she and this guy have conflict and she's going to be unwelcome in your home because of that conflict. She doesn't like him and he resents that.

Your oldest is already feeling replaced. You've recreated what you went through with your mom.

I would never choose a man over kids. One of a mere year and a half, ha. But I grew up in a family that gave me a really good example of things NOT to do with your kids.

This ...plus how old is he ? Younger then you? No kids ?? So no experience.
I take it you are close or over 40? Maybe your two kids dont like that he moved in so quick and you are trying to have more kids

Starlight7080 · 22/07/2025 13:23

FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 13:11

I’d bet it’s the other way round and it’s him!

Also what an age gap OP! Do you really want to go back to the baby stage and the whole school debacle 😳🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

It will be him who is the farage type. You can tell with the instantly saying he is done with having any relationship with her daughter
How does he honestly think that will work.
So they won't be welcome in the house which will only get worse as the years go on

crumblingschools · 22/07/2025 13:26

I assume he moved in with you. Can’t imagine either of your DDs are seeing it as a good thing that you have only been living together 4 months and are talking marriage and babies (as an aside why would you want to start all over again when you have 21yo)

Are your partner’s views on politics, global warming etc extreme?

GoldDuster · 22/07/2025 13:31

I think your DDs have seen straight through him when maybe you haven't OP.

purplecorkheart · 22/07/2025 13:32

Your relationship sounds very intense and fast.
Has he moved in with you? His reaction is extreme for a relatively minor incident. Is it a case of the truth hurts. Honestly I think he needs to move out if he is not going to let this go, he does not even know exactly what was said, just your dd version of what was said.

HappyintheHills · 22/07/2025 13:34

So one of your daughters vented to the other?
Leaving aside the unfortunate sharing of this information with your partner, and the details of the instigating incident, is there some basis for her upset?

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 22/07/2025 13:35

Dinosaurshoebox · 22/07/2025 11:36

At 21 she can get a bloody grip.
She's an adult and needs to learn the very basic of adult concepts.

Other adults have lives and are do not drop everything going at the click of her fingers.

This. If she’s old enough to take on the responsibilities of a house she can go sofa shopping on her own or with a friend.
My friend’s son does this type of thing knowing that his dad already has plans with his partner -manipulative.

crumblingschools · 22/07/2025 13:39

When I moved into my first home my dad came with me when I went furniture shopping. My parents were excited for me having my first home and wanted to support me. I wouldn’t have expected them to drop everything to do so, but I think it is quite normal for parents to be involved

Snoken · 22/07/2025 13:42

crumblingschools · 22/07/2025 13:39

When I moved into my first home my dad came with me when I went furniture shopping. My parents were excited for me having my first home and wanted to support me. I wouldn’t have expected them to drop everything to do so, but I think it is quite normal for parents to be involved

In healthy relationships this is very much the case. Everyone who are outraged by a 21 year old wanting her mother's opinion on a sofa purchase clearly didn't have very supportive or involved parents. A sofa is a massive purchase when you are only 21.

Zezet · 22/07/2025 13:47

Your daughter behaved suboptimally.
Your partner is behaving abysmally.

Pick, and pick wisely.

Daisyvodka · 22/07/2025 14:10

Im so sorry to hear about your loss. Gently, can I ask if your partner moving in/you deciding to get married was triggered by you getting pregnant accidentally? Is it worth maybe thinking about slowing things down a bit and putting TTC on hold as 18 months is really not a very long amount of time for such big commitments and this reaction from your partner isnt great really, yes your daughter was rude but you need to know that he works in a way where he wants to resolve issues and talk them through rather than knee jerk extreme reactions, as otherwise he isnt ready to be a parent. Think about the kind of parenting a baby needs. He is demonstrating he isnt ready for it.

LittlleMy · 22/07/2025 14:13

Snoken · 22/07/2025 13:42

In healthy relationships this is very much the case. Everyone who are outraged by a 21 year old wanting her mother's opinion on a sofa purchase clearly didn't have very supportive or involved parents. A sofa is a massive purchase when you are only 21.

Show quote history

yup, I saved so hard in my 20s for my first sofa set and it’s probably the most important biggest item/investment for your house since it’s expected to be there ideally min up to 10 :years, it’s where you and all visitors will see and sit so size, colour, comfort, build quality, guarantee lifetime. I’d saved up for a real leather Italian one and really needed a family handhold when it came to it!

as far as partner goes, have to agree with so many the PP that the partners temperament does not bode well for the future. All seems v rushed as well. Yes DD behaviour not ideal but she’s so young yet and from what you said otherwise has her head screwed on the right way if she’s buying house etc. I think it’s a no brainer, if my partner was so stubborn and unable to see the adult needs to work around the youngster and was that black and white about my child, it would be a wake up call and I wouldn’t want him around any of us. It’s not like you can’t imagine without a man especially if your DD is already feeling second best. I personally would never jeopardise my relationship with my child for the sake of not being alone.

Easipeelerie · 22/07/2025 14:14

I’m curious to know what his views on global warming are.

sophistitroll · 22/07/2025 14:22

In what world does having a child when you’ve got adult children make sense. Most people are ready for some independence at that point. The whole thing sounds like a disaster

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/07/2025 14:38

Everyone is unreasonable here

  • DD for moaning about the partner when he hadn't done anything wrong
  • DDs sister for going round telling people things about something that was said to her in confidence
  • Your partner who is refusing to have any sort of relationship with a young adult due to one comment which wasn't even made to him, and which she has apologised for

I think your partner is the most unreasonable one here.

I'd be interested to know what their political views are and why they don't align. Eg if they argue about who to vote for that's different to if she thinks he is racist based on some of his political views. What 'massive efforts' has he gone to, to improve their relationship?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/07/2025 14:42

I also agree with PP, they may be concerned that you're talking marriage and babies with someone you've only been with 4 months, when on the face of it your baby rearing years are done. Is your daughter generally judgemental and dramatic or is this out of character for her? If it's out of character then I'd be listening carefully to what she says about him

Limonades · 22/07/2025 14:42

sophistitroll · 22/07/2025 14:22

In what world does having a child when you’ve got adult children make sense. Most people are ready for some independence at that point. The whole thing sounds like a disaster

I also find this mind boggling!

You’ve already raised a 21 year old and 17 year old. They’re finally growing up and you can get to enjoy some free time and travel etc. Why on earth would you want to start again and even consider having a third baby now? Confused

I would absolutely prioritise your existing two daughters!!

Limonades · 22/07/2025 14:44

HappyintheHills · 22/07/2025 13:34

So one of your daughters vented to the other?
Leaving aside the unfortunate sharing of this information with your partner, and the details of the instigating incident, is there some basis for her upset?

What, in her opinion, is so awful about your new partner? Might there be some truth in her views?

Minnie798 · 22/07/2025 15:18

It's not a long relationship for him to have moved in and for you to be planning a family together. The hostility from your daughter could stem from that, rather than being anything your partner has actually done. Dd was out of line for calling him a piece of shit because you said you were busy. Other dd shouldn't have repeated this where partner could hear.
Could there be truth in dd's feelings that you prioritise your partner rather than her?

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2025 15:29

I think your DD was wrong to call him that but also your other DD needs a little talk about repeating things her DSis has said in confidence.

For your “D”P to behave in such an extreme way though is bizarre. Who tells their DP that they have to choose between them and their own DC? That level of arrogance has a breathtaking.
What makes it even worse is that he knows you’ve had a MC and are vulnerable.

So i would choose. I would choose to ask him to leave and have a life free of this absolute twat of a man.

TwistedWonder · 22/07/2025 15:34

Ok so in 18 months you’ve moved this man into the home you share with your DD, got engaged, planning your wedding and got pregnant and now he’s trying to control what goes on in your home with your DD?

How does he contribute to the household financially? And does he do a fair share of the household chores?

Im amazed how many woman on MN wring their hands about about whether they should prioritise dick over kids - and invariably they’ve moved the bloke into their DC home and expect them to just crack on with it.

Strawberrri · 22/07/2025 15:39

I think you all need to grow up - you’ve moved a bloke in -no reason DD should like him but she should try harder, DP needs to use a bit of imagination and see that it will take adjustments and making ultimatums is NOT what todo, for DD your first home and furnishing it is a major major event in her life -shame you forgot that. All sit down and make apologies and then move on.