Daughter and Partner don’t get on- what do I do?

[lonelywife123]

Apologies in advance, this is a long one. I’ve been with my partner 18 months, we’ve been living together for 4 months with my DDs 21 lives with me full time and 17 DD half with her dad half with me. Dad and I are very friendly exes, no issues there. My DD 21 has never been the biggest fan of my partner, they have very different opinions on politics, global warming, things like that but have always got on ok. DD 17 and partner get on great despite differing opinions. DD has recently bought a house and asked me on Thursday to take her sofa shopping on Saturday, I already had plans with partner and his family, DD 17 was at her dads so I said no. She seemed fine with that but on Sunday my 17 DD told me she’d said I was putting my partners needs before theirs and that he is a piece of s**t. Partner heard this and is upset that she’s said this. DD states this was a rant when she was angry and she didn’t mean it which I understand but I also understand partners anger at this when he’s tried so hard to build a relationship with her. He’s now saying he’s done with her and having any kind of relationship. I’m so stuck in the middle, I see both sides but I just don’t know what to do. I cannot continue in a relationship with someone where my daughter is not welcome in my home, my mother did this to me and it was deeply damaging but I also love my partner to death, we had a miscarriage in May and are next to be getting married and trying again for a baby. I just don’t know what to do- does anyone have any advice?

This.
Plus

"He’s now saying he’s done with her and having any kind of relationship."

What exactly does he expect you to do? Abandon your DD?

She has apologised and said it was said in a "Rant". She didn't know he was listening. But now he has laid down the law... only 4 months after moving in.

Why do you think your DD was so keen to get the responsibility of a house at such a young age. Its well known that moving house and taking on a mortgage is a stressful time. Its a lot of organisation for such a young person who was probably feeling overwhelmed.

If she doesn't have a sofa, presumably she needs it to sit on in the new house/flat. She needs you and being told that you are meeting partner's relatives, probably felt displaced because, she has actually already been displaced by your partner and that is why she's moved out.

Let's face it, moaning about him wasn't the crime of the century. It can't have been easy adapting to having a new person in her home. He's supposed to be older and wiser and he ought to be able to manage his feelings ( out of respect to you!) and find a way to manage the situation, talk to your DD and patch things up.
Instead he decides that the only way he can deal with it is effectively to make you choose, your DD or him.
What a massive red flag.
So I take it he won't let you invite your DD to the wedding then?

He's an immature manchild.. who is also being very controlling. His feelings are way more important than yours aren't they? A man you've known 18 months or your DD you've brought into the world over 20 years ago.
He doesn't think that its worth trying to repair the relationship to make you happy? He's happy to pressurise you into throwing that away to please him?
Your DD has moved out..so its not like she's expecting him to have to see her every day.

I think you should be VERY CAUTIOUS about someone who has such hasty knee jerk and frankly punishing reactions to something they don't like. There is ALWAYS A BETTER WAY TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS. He just can't be bothered to look for one. What happens when your 17 year old is caught moaning about him. Are you supposed to cut her off too.

Yes you have the right to build your own life and move forward.
No your partner does not have the right to make you choose between him and your child.

Both your DD and your partner sound like they're immature.

Your DD is rude and should apologise for her comments. Your partner should be a grown up, accept the apology and get over it. Both need to make an effort if their relationship is to improve.

Hmmm I guess you want a good relationship with your daughter so did you suggest other times to go with her? It’s not about sofas - it’s about her trying to include you in her life

It's all happening way too fast. Please don't marry or have a child with this man. If his own child gets angry with him is he going to be 'done' with them as well? He sounds like an immature arse tbh why would you want a baby with him?

This^

Also, why are you trying for a baby when your DC are 21 and 17?

Well I don’t think the issue is your daughter as it is not her saying that they are ‘done with someone’ that is your partner . Your daughter has said it was a heat of the moment rant and that should be the end of it . The fact here is he is more or less asking you to choose between him and her and whether she is a bit of a brat or not most mums would choose their kids over a partner .

You have a 21yr old, you must be old enough to know you've got caught up in the moment with this man, take a step back and slow down.

Your DD was mature enough to apologise yet he has pulled this ultimatum?
He'd be gone if it were me, you ARE repeating the past right now, you know you can stop it so think with your head about this, no man is worth alienating your DD.

What happens when he decides he doesn’t like your youngest? Does he ban her from your house, too?

I’d ditch the man, every time. No-one comes before my kids.

Leave this man. You are doing exactly what your mother did by even contemplating choosing him over your child, adult or not. You haven't been in a relationship with man nearly long enough to be thinking about marriage and additional children, you barely know him after living together only 4 months. I think your oldest DD has a better understanding of who he really is than you because she doesn't have the rose coloured glasses that you do, nor is she driven by baby making hormones.

Right please clarify.

21 year old doesn't like but she lives with you full time you said no to sofa shopping she was ok with it.

17 year old gets on fine with him but after speaking with her sister confronts you about it and partner hears.

It's the 21 year old moving out and the 17 year old who your new partner wants nothing more to do with.

Shes 17 shes your child. looks like you need to move out and continue the relationship not living together.

"What happens when he decides he doesn’t like your youngest? Does he ban her from your house, too?"

Think about this. This guy rushed you into moving in. He's rushing you into a pregnancy. He's already having conflict with your oldest and wants her banned from your home. When your youngest turns 18, will he fall out with her and force her out?

Did he move into your place? What's the history here? Is he working?

There's some real red flags here. He almost sounds like a cuckoo, making sure what was your home with your children into his home.

It is the 17 year old who was moaning

The 21 year old was talking to her sister in confidence. Why did your 17 year old say anything. Obviously she said it not the 21 year old. So the 17 year old also clearly thinks it.

If he is forcing you to choose, then choose you will have to.

Sounds like you moved him in around a year after you met him, you've already been pregnant and you're only 18 months in. Too much too soon.

I cannot continue in a relationship with someone where my daughter is not welcome in my home, my mother did this to me and it was deeply damaging

You said it yourself, here's your answer.

they have very different opinions on politics, global warming, things like that but have always got on ok.

Is your daughter the Farage loving, climate change denier?

I agree with this to be honest, yes DD was a bit immature to kick off but your other daughter shouldn’t have been running around telling tales and stirring it up unnecessarily, and your ‘partner’ (if one can be called such so quickly!!) is behaving like an absolute idiot. Your daughter has the excuse to a degree of being young and dumb, what excuse does your boyfriend have?

I can’t imagine a universe in which I would prioritise a bloke I’ve known for 18 months over my young adult children - especially when his way of handling a minor spat is to insinuate your daughter will not be welcome in your home. I mean, WTAF?!

You’re rushing to replace your existing family with a new one, and are defending Johnny Come Lately’s knee jerk sulking, and you wonder why your daughters have a level of antipathy towards him? Give your head a wobble, OP.

Your daughter was rude but I wouldn't even consider banning my daughter from my home for anything like this. That's a huge overreaction.

Do you spend time with just her or is most of your spare time taken up with your romantic relationship? At 21 she's an adult, but still very young. If you always prioritise your partner I can see why she's had a rant tbh.

Also, what are the differences of opinion on politics etc? It's one thing to have different opinions, but it's completely different if one of them is racist, homophobic or holds extremist beliefs.

Edited to add- I've just realised you've only been with him 18 months? That's incredibly quick to be living together with your 17 year old and planning a baby. I think it's a huge red flag that such a new partner isn't willing to make more of an effort with your 21 year old daughter. Please do not let this very new relationship impact your lifelong relationship with your own child.

On the contrary, I think it's great that OP found this out this early and she could see for herself what a douche her new boyfriend is and what her DD actually think of him. If she had this information 4 months ago she might not have had him move in or gotten pregnant with him, but if she breaks up with him now there won't be any reason for them to split assets or be in contact because of a baby going forward.

Jesus. Maybe it’s a nice thing to do with her mum?!

Why would she not be welcome in your house? Has he said that?

There's a difference between him not fostering a relationship to him ruling on yours

Because she wants another baby?

Always put your kids first, even adult kids.

A man who says of your daughter that he ''done with her and having any kind of relationship'' should have no place in your life or that of your kids or in your home.

I would ask him to move out and certainly would not consider having kids with someone like that.

I was on the fence until I got to the bit about your partner saying he is done with her. What a horrible thing to say. Sounds like your dd has his number. Please choose her over him.

I think this is relevant tbh. I had a few arguments with my stepdad about politics (I'm very labour he's very cameron-era tory) but if your new boyfriend is a climate change denier (ie a conspiracy theorist) and a far- right or far-left zealot I have a lot more sympathy for your daughter in butting heads with him and probably not being thrilled you're enthralled by him.

If their differences are just reasonable ranges of beliefs then it's not that relevant.

Your 17 yo caused this in large part by stirring.

Fair play to your 21yo for buying a house so young!!