Older daters / blended families / dating with adult children etc come and give me some input

[MargoLivebetter]

I posted a while back about my sadness that my DP didn't seem to want to integrate with my family and it hasn't got any better.

We have been together for 4 years, we are both in our mid 50s now. He has no DC. I have have two DC, DS & DD. My DCs were at uni when we met and both have since graduated. One lives mostly at home and the other shares with friends and comes home some weekends. Both have jobs. DP and I don't live together, we have our own homes and he comes to mine about 40% of the time we spend together. The rest of the time I go to his or we are away somewhere.

Initially, DP made a fair bit of effort to be polite and interested in the DC. He would engage when he came around and chat to them. Gradually as time has gone by, he has made less and less effort and now will mostly sit in the living room on his phone and not speak to them bar the absolute minimum hello and goodbye stuff. He has also become increasingly critical of them when I talk about them. I now am of the view that he actively dislikes them. He also makes no effort to see my wider family (as in will decline to come to birthday celebrations, bbqs, Christmas meets ups etc) and fairly reluctantly engages with them twice a year.

I am a very family orientated person and I am increasingly aware that we are not at all aligned in this way. He has a tiny family and only sees one member on a regular basis (not that I would consider it regular, about 4 times a year).

I'm increasingly feeling like this is going to be a deal-breaker for us, as I'm not sure I can get past him not liking my DC - or at least not being able to give the semblance of liking them. I realise that you don't have to like your partner's wider family. I wasn't a fan of my ex-H's parents but I sucked it up because that's what you do in family life. DP says that he shouldn't have to do things that he doesn't want to do, which I sort of understand but I also think that family life is full of compromise and if no one did anything that they didn't want to do, we would all sit in silos on our own and life doesn't work like that.

I've got to the point now, where I have overthought this so much, I don't know what I think anymore and would like some input from other MNers who may have gone through similar too.

My DP and I both have children, his children are in their twenties and mine are in teens/late teens, we don't live together but all of them live at their respective homes. I don't want to parent his children and he doesn't want to parent mine but I would expect him to be friendly and interested and helpful; just as I am with his. My DCs are so important to me that I would be mightily upset if he didn't respect that and make an effort. As you rightly say - as you do in family life. I can see why this would be a deal-breaker, it absolutely would be for me.

Have you had a chance to chat to him about this? Do you think he may be jealous or other emotions going on?

Thanks @Captaincalling . He is big on us having lots of time "alone" together. I think he is not used to sharing people.

I definitely don't want him to do any parenting, but I do expect polite interest and would rather like him to at the very least pretend he likes them out of respect for me.

It sounds to like he just cba. It would be a deal breaker for me and I would be ending the relationship.

Yes I read your previous thread and, at the time I admit I thought you were expecting too much parental interest in unrelated young adults but your update makes it seem like he actively dislikes anyone who takes your focus and attention from him. That is a Kremlin-sized red flag and far more serious than just a basic incompatibility which seemed to be the case from your previous thread.
In the 🗑️ I’m afraid

Thank goodness you haven't moved in together. I'm another saying that if he is making things uncomfortable, then get rid of him. Another bloody selfish man.

Thanks @Marmalade71 . I really don't expect him to parent or be involved in their lives in any way. Just basic courtesy, some interest and an understanding that they are incredibly important people in my life.

I’m in a pretty similar situation re time dating, ages etc, though we do now live together and ds lives with us. I really like dp’s children, we’ve all been on holiday together and I hope they feel I take an interest because I do! It’s always very slightly sensitive imo, I do second-guess my actions a bit, but it’s fine. Ds isn’t that close to dp but they get on ok and dp knows that ds is my ultimate priority if needed - he has been to events for ds with me and never makes it tricky or tries to compete.

I’ve been in a relationship long ago with someone who didn’t see why anyone liked their family and who made it difficult for me to see mine, and essentially it was doomed. If you are with someone who doesn’t get a large part of your life, it’s going to be a problem.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary in the first two years of our relationship I had thought that we would all be able to go on holiday together. I know for 100% certain that this would be absolutely impossible. I also wonder how on earth Christmas would work down the line, as he would want to spend it with me on my own and I'd want to be with him and my family and hopefully grandchildren.

I'd bin him. He doesn't have to be active in their lives, but he should say least make the effort to be friendly and civil. My kids come first - always, even as adults.

Yeah, if you can’t host Christmas with your family and enjoy it (if you want to) and it’s tense and miserable trying to share out time, or you’re stuck in the house with him saying ‘ah a nice quiet Christmas’ while you are thinking ‘I want a NOISY Christmas with my grandchildren making a racket’ - that’s future misery right there.

Im sorry, I’m not a ‘LTB’ person on the whole and I think dating at this end of our lives should be flexible, but… I had a brilliant holiday this year with all the adult kids and dp and dp’s ex wife and it was so much fun. Also dp loves Christmas and will be found teetering on a stepladder decorating TWO trees and sneakily buying extra presents and I just know he will be the soppiest of grandads, and that’s what I want. I’m 56 and I do what pleases me these days.

@PermanentTemporary that's what I want! I love big hearted warm events. Might be a bit messy and chaotic and people may not always behave perfectly. But that's just life and I am happy to embrace it. I like quiet time too and enjoy recharging on my own just as much. But DP just can't seem to do family stuff or even slightly gregarious get togethers for that matter.

I wouldn't tolerate him being critical of your kids and not even being civil.

It sounds like he's in competition with them. He wants as little to do with them as possible and that doesn't match up with your wish for your family to be comfortable in your home. Your kids must find it uncomfortable when he's around and it sounds like that's on purpose. He sounds like an asshole.

I'd be done.

Thanks @outerspacepotato. I talked to DD and she said she'd noticed that he has become increasingly withdrawn. She recently had some really big job news and he hasn't once asked her about it. I think that is rude.

I would not be okay with this. Your children should be able to come 'home,' to see you, to spend relaxed, happy times with family at Christmas and other occasions, without you or them feeling awkward or uncomfortable. Being critical about them and not even bothering to be civil is really not on.

I’m also going to say this is doomed to cause you deep upset. I don’t know if he’s trying to alienate you from your family or is just very unsociable and impolite but you clearly want family gatherings to be fun, noisy and gregarious and he doesn’t. Call it incompatibility or whatever but I think it’s highly unlikely he’s going to change. You have a choice, to continue with him knowing this is what he’s like, or to end it because his behaviour is so out of kilter with what you want in this respect.

@HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe (great user name btw - I'm singing it) he has become so critical recently that I cannot see how he can like them at all. He will often say that I do too much for them, yet I have never once moaned about what I do for my DC and I do not think I go above and beyond what I see my fellow parents around me do. In fact in many ways I do less, because I am less able to financially help out. I also ask the DC for help and I personally think that they are really helpful and supportive of me. So, I am at a loss to understand where he is coming from.

@Rainbowshine I know he can't change as a person. I suppose what I am seeing is what must have been a veneer of politeness has disappeared and he is now showing me active disinterest, dislike and inflexibility. I feel that his behaviour has changed, if not he himself.

I think it is a difficult role to be a step parent, come into a family and find your way. But that fact he has gone backwards rather than grown into it is concerning. You do not seem to be aligned when it comes to this and what you write suggests he would prefer to isolate you. I think you should end the relationship honestly. If it isn’t your kids it will be something else that doesn’t suit him. You’ll end up miserable.

@MargoLivebetter if you read through the relationship board here there’s so many women that excused the deterioration of behaviour from their partners and it’s taken them years to see that they have been in an unloving unhealthy or abusive relationship. This is a gift that you see now that his behaviour is not what you want or can tolerate. Use this gift and choose wisely for yourself.

Firstly, he isn’t your ‘DP’, he is your ‘boyfriend’ or ‘the person you’re in a relationship with’.

His manner directly towards and in conversation about your children is telling you all you need to know about how incompatible any future life together as real life shared ‘Partners’ will be. Your posts reveal an uncompromising attitude that has surfaced and will escalate over time as his resentment grows

You need to make your choice soon for both your sakes and stick to your decision.

He is big on us having lots of time "alone" together. I think he is not used to sharing people.

And he doesn't want to share you. I would look closely and check that this isn't an aspect of control.

It might not be that he dislikes your Dc but he resents your attention and time with them. He clearly doesn't bother with his own family, so why would he bother with yours?

He wants a relationship with you, but on his terms. To be fair not many of us would get deeply involved in random young people in their early 20s with whom we have little in common, but he also isn't interested in building a second hand family.

You can either decide that your relationship with him is OK with these limitations, or else not. He won't change and the attempt will drive a further wedge.

He will often say that I do too much for them, yet I have never once moaned about what I do for my DC and I do not think I go above and beyond what I see my fellow parents around me do.... I also ask the DC for help and I personally think that they are really helpful and supportive of me. So, I am at a loss to understand where he is coming from.

He is jealous of your relationship with them, and resents your attention. Very 'me me me'

The least he could do is be pleasant.

There's not really much to do if he won't be civil around your family in your home. It will make for uncomfortable holidays at best or have your kids going elsewhere to avoid him. He's gotten more comfortable showing his real face and it's unpleasant.

I hope it was good job news.

Good point @PlatinumMoon . I already find myself censoring what I say about the DC as I'm reluctant to have him judging them. That is not what you should expect from a partner.

It is funny @RantzNotBantz because he will often say that what attracts him to me is my kindness and I often find myself wondering if he thinks that my kindness is discriminatory and should only be applied to those he thinks are deserving!!!

@outerspacepotato yes it was 😁Exactly the kind that everyone would want to ask about and congratulate her on!!!!!

It doesn't sound like the two of you are really compatible. You want him to be a part of your close family. He wants a relationship with you and he isn't interested in them.

I don't think his attitude is necessarily wrong, but it would be a dealbreaker for me because family is really important to me.

Ultimately, I suppose it's for you to decide whether the positives in the relationship outweigh his complete lack of interest in the people who are important to you.