Older daters / blended families / dating with adult children etc come and give me some input

[MargoLivebetter]

I posted a while back about my sadness that my DP didn't seem to want to integrate with my family and it hasn't got any better.

We have been together for 4 years, we are both in our mid 50s now. He has no DC. I have have two DC, DS & DD. My DCs were at uni when we met and both have since graduated. One lives mostly at home and the other shares with friends and comes home some weekends. Both have jobs. DP and I don't live together, we have our own homes and he comes to mine about 40% of the time we spend together. The rest of the time I go to his or we are away somewhere.

Initially, DP made a fair bit of effort to be polite and interested in the DC. He would engage when he came around and chat to them. Gradually as time has gone by, he has made less and less effort and now will mostly sit in the living room on his phone and not speak to them bar the absolute minimum hello and goodbye stuff. He has also become increasingly critical of them when I talk about them. I now am of the view that he actively dislikes them. He also makes no effort to see my wider family (as in will decline to come to birthday celebrations, bbqs, Christmas meets ups etc) and fairly reluctantly engages with them twice a year.

I am a very family orientated person and I am increasingly aware that we are not at all aligned in this way. He has a tiny family and only sees one member on a regular basis (not that I would consider it regular, about 4 times a year).

I'm increasingly feeling like this is going to be a deal-breaker for us, as I'm not sure I can get past him not liking my DC - or at least not being able to give the semblance of liking them. I realise that you don't have to like your partner's wider family. I wasn't a fan of my ex-H's parents but I sucked it up because that's what you do in family life. DP says that he shouldn't have to do things that he doesn't want to do, which I sort of understand but I also think that family life is full of compromise and if no one did anything that they didn't want to do, we would all sit in silos on our own and life doesn't work like that.

I've got to the point now, where I have overthought this so much, I don't know what I think anymore and would like some input from other MNers who may have gone through similar too.

A family friend 70, who has been single for the last ten years is dating.
We know him very well he likes his own company, is happily set in his ways and has firm views on quite a lot of stuff.
He is looking ultimately for a nurse with a purse but any widow with a shed willing to listen to him will do. His game face is amazing, he can keep the pretence up for nearly a while weekend but often arrives back early to 'feed the cats' or some other emergency.
I would not wish him on anyone, he truly is crazily set in his ways.

You think it 'might' be a deal breaker that he dislikes your children???

Good lord op

Not RTFT but he sounds churlish and unpleasant. He doesn’t have to be a step-parent but you and your DCs come as a package even though they’ve left home yet he thinks it’s okay to be uncivil to and about your DCs and you’re editing yourself rather than talking freely about them.

His behaviour shows he is selfish and mean-minded and also shows great stupidity.

You may want to give him at least a chance to improve but unless he changes his behaviour and keeps it changed, this sounds like a deal-breaker.

@waterratwell when you put it like that! I’m slow to process stuff tbh. It takes me a while. I also need to feel fully confident about my decision making process etc. I am now.

I'm middle aged with adult DC and parents I'm close to, dating a man who's never married and doesn't have kids.

He's polite to my family, interacts a friendly manner in the odd occasion we see them (eg a birthday) will say hello to DC, ask about work once in a while, but doesn't go out of his way to be close to them, and tbh none of is wants that.

We spend a lot of time alone together but also do things with our own friends and families.

I don't think there'anyhting wrong with how he's doing things, but he's probably not the man for you. That said I'm not sure what you want exists. I know I wouldn't want to become fully embroiled in his family either.

@Lambswools I was very happy with our set up, which was pretty much as you described yours to be. It was polite and friendly without anything being pressured or onerous.

However, that’s changed and what I’m not happy about is his active dislike, judgement and disapproval of my DC, my wider family and of my relationship particularly that with my DC. He has said really unkind words about the characters of both my DC. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to want to connect with someone who won’t do that.

I think this is going to get worse and sounds incredibly stifling. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Yes, that's not OK. My DP does judge parenting in a way that I don't think he's qualified to, but never my parenting or my children, now you mention it. Although he's not especially involved.in their lives, he is, I would say fond, of them, in that he knows they're very important to me and is supportive when I need to support them iyswim. He'll occasionally make a slightly insulting "joke" about e.g. them being a bit rubbish around the house, but he's never nasty.

OP, I think you have had the confirmation from posters.

Just need to do it now.

I know this is about your children but I feel there are other red flags. Ignoring your needs, being disrespectful, disinterested. Does that eventually slide into contempt and invalidation?
I’m raw because I’m going through merry hell and it’s not entirely dissimilar. And I know we excuse and think other bits are nice. But if you’re kind and loving (which you obviously are) it makes you more attractive to these types of men because they know we’ll try to make it work and not cause conflict. It’s so hard but I would consider how this might slide. An atmosphere is horrible and he sounds like he’s causing one. Sending a hug x

The big plus point is that you don’t live together. I was relieved for you when I read that because there is no element of feeling trapped.
For me, the issue is his failure to behave himself, be polite to your DC and maintain a pleasant atmosphere for your sake. Disliking or disapproving of someone’s DC doesn’t matter - as long as you don’t show it.
I can’t bloody STAND my husband’s DD (she’s nearly 47 By the way, not a child) and I have to make a big effort because I don’t want to upset DH. Your partner clearly doesn’t care how you feel.

Perhaps you can start to reduce contact? I would definitely enjoy my Christmas with my family. Let him stay at home - or spend Christmas with the relative he sees 4 times a year.

I could never be in any sort of relationship, either romantic or a friendship, with someone who actively dislikes my children. His lack of basic good manners is also a problem and he sounds very needy. His attitude would make me dislike him.

DP says that he shouldn't have to do things that he doesn't want to do

This stood out for me. Because frankly, sonny jim, you do!

This selfish, self centred, attitude is so prevalent now and tbh I think society is worse for it.

YANBU op. This would be a deal breaker for me too. And frankly, he sounds like a bore.

Thank you all so very much for talking me through last week.

Difficult conversations were had and we have agreed to step back from a romantic / partnership relationship. I feel relieved and like a huge load has been lifted, which means it was definitely the right decision for me.

Oh sorry op I didn’t realise this was from last week when I answered. Well done, that sounds like the right decision. Be careful about retaining a friendship though. I’m not sure they ever really work and I don’t think I want to be friends with someone who doesn’t like my kids.

Well done op. You sound lovely and a catch so I’m sure someone much more like you is out there

My partner and I both come from tiny families. We are both happy seeing our families once every few months and are childfree. Our families are scattered and everyone is busy; everyone enjoys doing their own thing and has separate lives but it is great when we do get together. I understand how someone with a similar family background to mine can feel overwhelmed when constantly pressured to engage with a family that is not their own.

When I was in my early 20's I dated a guy who was a "family orientated person" with a huge, overly close extended family. I'm not kidding, every week there was some sort of meet up or get together that was dominated by family/wider family. His Mum was always in the background wanting to know what we were up to. I ended up ditching because it became incredibly draining constantly having to be "on" and having to interact with all of these people on a regular basis.

That’s good news. The fact that you felt relieved and “like a huge load has been lifted” says it all. Shows you have made the right decision. My very best wishes 🌺

He can't be bothered. It is not a good sign. I wouldn't expect him to have a close relationship. However these people matter to you so he should want to know about them and be willing to spend time on building some sort of friendly relationship.

Take care of yourself over the next few weeks @MargoLivebetter, I am relieved for you