Older daters / blended families / dating with adult children etc come and give me some input

[MargoLivebetter]

I posted a while back about my sadness that my DP didn't seem to want to integrate with my family and it hasn't got any better.

We have been together for 4 years, we are both in our mid 50s now. He has no DC. I have have two DC, DS & DD. My DCs were at uni when we met and both have since graduated. One lives mostly at home and the other shares with friends and comes home some weekends. Both have jobs. DP and I don't live together, we have our own homes and he comes to mine about 40% of the time we spend together. The rest of the time I go to his or we are away somewhere.

Initially, DP made a fair bit of effort to be polite and interested in the DC. He would engage when he came around and chat to them. Gradually as time has gone by, he has made less and less effort and now will mostly sit in the living room on his phone and not speak to them bar the absolute minimum hello and goodbye stuff. He has also become increasingly critical of them when I talk about them. I now am of the view that he actively dislikes them. He also makes no effort to see my wider family (as in will decline to come to birthday celebrations, bbqs, Christmas meets ups etc) and fairly reluctantly engages with them twice a year.

I am a very family orientated person and I am increasingly aware that we are not at all aligned in this way. He has a tiny family and only sees one member on a regular basis (not that I would consider it regular, about 4 times a year).

I'm increasingly feeling like this is going to be a deal-breaker for us, as I'm not sure I can get past him not liking my DC - or at least not being able to give the semblance of liking them. I realise that you don't have to like your partner's wider family. I wasn't a fan of my ex-H's parents but I sucked it up because that's what you do in family life. DP says that he shouldn't have to do things that he doesn't want to do, which I sort of understand but I also think that family life is full of compromise and if no one did anything that they didn't want to do, we would all sit in silos on our own and life doesn't work like that.

I've got to the point now, where I have overthought this so much, I don't know what I think anymore and would like some input from other MNers who may have gone through similar too.

Thank you @MrsBennetsPoorNerves I think disinterest I could possibly hack, I'm not sure I can manage dislike.

Yes, that's totally understandable. It's hard to see how you could build a future with someone who actively dislikes the people who are most important to you.

Maybe time to move on?

Your children are people. They deserve respect, courtesy and kindness. If he can’t show that to them it says a lot.

Your DP shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t tolerate this.

Gradually isolating you from your family and friends is a typical way abusers behave. They cut you off from your support network. They see you as theirs - you only exist to serve them and their wants, any other reason is invalid. For example:

You arrange to meet with your friend, he messages you throughout the evening to ask unnecessary questions or guilt tripping you

Makes out that people are mistreating you when they aren’t so you question your own sanity. Criticises them so much.

Makes it so difficult to meet, contact or even talk about others that you start to stop talking about them or meeting them so often. When you do, you find that he is really sulking afterwards or even creates some fake drama to make you stay with him

Any of this resonating with you?

You know it’s not right, that’s why you posted really - you’re at the sanity checking stage. You know that it doesn’t sit right but he’s making you question your own feelings and judgment.

Do you want a future where the only relationship you are “allowed” to have is with him?

@theresnolimits neither DC has ever been critical of him either. They were happy that I was happy.

@Rainbowshine there are very small elements of that. It is not that overt but I have noticed myself increasingly self-censoring as I don't want his judgy comments. I've also noticed that there is a pattern emerging of him not enjoying any gathering that is remotely gregarious or noisy and actively not wanting to do them at all. This puts me in a tricky position because lots of my friends and family are gregarious and a bit noisy. I do understand that his preference isn't for those types of gathering but it is not like I'm saying twice a week we need to do them, they are maybe 5 or 6 times a year and he will always have a face like he is sucking a sour lemon, refuses to engage and will then be critical afterwards and tell me how much he didn't enjoy them. I am concerned about what the future would look like from a joint social perspective.

So you are:

self censoring
limiting the number of times you meet people who are important to you
probably having high anxiety prior to those interactions because of him
having to deal with his behaviour afterwards which feeds into the cycle of reducing the amount that you interact with people

And so it goes on and downwards in a spiral towards never seeing anyone else. He is the only person who you can see.

The behaviour you have described is beyond unsociable, it’s abusive.

He is shrinking your world

Please see the red flags that are abundantly clear

@Rainbowshine appreciate what you are saying there. I will have a very serious think.

This will not work and will only continue to get worse. There's a thread in active about someone in your situation, who has now recently become a grandparent and her partner hasn't shown any interest. She's worried she won't be able to be the grandmother she wants to be because of his indifference. Be very grateful you aren't living together!

Thank you @lovemeblender. I’ll go and have a look at that thread.

What happens when you have GC? He will ignore them too, imagine a little toddler running up to talk to him and he refusing to talk. Any big Christmas family get togethers, parties and family holidays, etc, you are going to have to tell him, he’s not welcome, as he just pulls a face, like he’s sucking a lemon.
He just wants you to himself, he is making everyone close to you, feel awkward and unwelcome, in your own house!

@SpryCat yes it really isn’t his place to be deciding how people should be behaving or speaking in my home.

Don't let him ruin your lovely family and your social circle. These are not the actions of someone who has your best interests at heart. You should be enjoying spending time with the people you love, not on tenterhooks.

You sound like you are being very passive, walking on eggshells, trying not to talk about your family incase it starts him off, running them down.
Why are you not pulling him up for his ignorant, disrespectful behaviour, in your own home?
When there are family get togethers, family/friends parties etc, why are you inviting him, he is making it clear to all and sundry, that he dislikes them all and trying to spoil your enjoyment.
What joy is he bringing into your life?

Yes, agree @Eddielizzard

@SpryCathe is not a complete arse. He can also be kind and generous. I wouldn’t have been with him for so long if there weren’t good things about him. I do think we have serious issues with our values towards family and friends and I do worry he has some controlling tendencies. As it stands at the moment I think the issues may mean we are not compatible.

Sorry dated a few from 40’s -60’s and that would be a deal breaker. Now married 3years and we all get on great. I love the blended family and our 5 grandchildren between us.

There are two separate aspects here. Integrating with your adult children has to be mutual. Personally, while I will be nice and polite to my father’s girlfriend, I have no plans to ever think of her as family. That has nothing to do with her and all comes down to my own baggage. So just make sure you aren’t forcing a relationship on either direction.

As for not fitting in with your lifestyle, I think this is a bigger issue. There is nothing wrong with being gregarious and there is nothing wrong with being more reserved. Expecting him to change would be wrong. Not everyone enjoys big, loud social gatherings and that is ok. If these are important to you, accept that he doesn’t need to attend these gatherings or considering ending the relationship if they are critical for you.

It's a dealbreaker if you are family orientated and he isn't.
Being distant and critical with your children I wouldn't be happy at this one bit.
Maybe you have outgrown him how sad he doesn't want to join you at family get togethers he sounds boring and uninterested .

I think retirement with him sounds like it would be quite miserable.

I think you've got two options and the choice of course is entirely yours to make:

-Pull back somewhat, You could still stay at his when it suits and maintain your relationship, but your own home would (rightly) be a base for you, your children and wider family. Your energy would be better protected by not having his negative energy taking up space in your space IYSWIM.

-End it completely, given that it's likely you'll become more and more incompatible.

If it was just a matter of him being a curmudgeonly old man and/or an introvert who can't cope with large family gatherings that's one thing. He has a right to not want to play big happy families if it's overwhelming or whatever. You could always do that on your own without him, there are ways to make that work.

But being low level nasty towards your family or controlling is quite another.

This ‘alone time’ is the actual problem. He’s controlling and wants to isolate you from friends and family. Thats why he’s started to criticise them, too. It’s not that he doesn’t like them- it’s just the coercive control playbook

Thank you for more thoughts and suggestions. I am increasingly thinking that actively not liking the DC and being openly critical of them and my wider family is a dealbreaker. I just don’t think I can cope with it. It’s going to be a constant source of conflict and misery for me. These are people I love and whilst they might be annoying at times and as flawed as all humans are, I don’t think I can be with someone who actively dislikes them or is at absolute best disinterested in them.

Yes that would be my decision too. It's no way to live.

Sorry, it's shit when things don't work out. 💐

@MargoLivebetter I’ve been thinking about you and I am relieved that you are thinking of leaving the relationship. You need someone who fits well with your life, and loves you for who you are as part of a family with a good network of friends. Someone who won’t force you to change your life. There’s a lot of advice on the board and online about leaving a relationship safely and also looking after yourself in the time afterwards