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Original poster

Ex H wants to move 6 hours away

68 replies

Berryapplepie · 22/07/2025 06:28

I'm feeling heartbroken about this, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I split up with ex H 2 years ago. We have 3 teens who are 16, 18 and 19. Ex H is saying that in a couple of years when our youngest has finished A levels, he wants to move up north, which is 6 hours away.

At the moment we live in the same town (in the south), so co parenting has been straightforward, we have around a 65(me)/35(him) split of the dc. He and I are amicable and if either of us wants to pop over to see the dc when they are with the other parent, we both do so, it's very flexible.

We will have to sell the family home (that I'm still in with the dc) in a couple of years. We'll then split the equity and we will both have to move out of the town we're currently in, as house prices are too high.

My exH wants to move up north for cheaper house prices, and also he feels that he wants a fresh start, a more buzzy environment. He's chosen a city up north where there's a lot going on with his interests and he thinks he'll meet a lot of new people that he gets on with. The irony is, he's never even visited this place, but he's set on going there.

I know I will have to move out of our current town to a cheaper area, but I was thinking of somewhere not too far from where we currently are. We have a lot of family within an hour or two of here, and meet up for Christmases, birthdays etc, and the dc enjoy all the get togethers.

If ex H moves so far away, I'm just thinking that it will be hard for the dc and hard for ex H and I, as we'll each see the dc less. I know they are growing up and having their own lives, but two of them are neurodiverse, and I just think it will be hard for them, trekking up and down the country to see both parents, in between having their own lives. None of them drive yet.

I don't know if/ when the dc will move out and have their own places, so how would it work with where they live? My ex H was saying to me "Well maybe one or two of the dc will want to live with me and the other one or two with you". I just think it seems sad to put them in that position, they all get on well, and I don't think they'd want to be away from each other for so long.

The other thing I thought was - should I move with my ex H? My job is remote, so that's not a problem. The place he wants to go to sounds fine - it's just so far away from my family. But then again I only see my family for a get together every couple of months. I see my parents more, who are getting older - I'd feel terrible leaving them behind, but I do have siblings who also see my parents.

I just feel so sad at the thought of not seeing the dc much any more, if one or more of them decide they want to live with exH, 6 hours away.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 22/07/2025 06:33

I can understand your Ex-H wanting to live somewhere affordable: after my parents divorced, my mum loved to Lincolnshire and the difference in what she could get in housing was astonishing. But I really don’t think you should follow him. You’re not together for a reason and I don’t think that would benefit you in the long run. You say 6 hours - is there a train route? I think the key is working out how the kids would get there and him having a couple of spare bedrooms for them when they visit. They’re teenagers and will be living their own lives very soon. Good luck.

Maddy70 · 22/07/2025 06:33

Your children will be off at uni somewhere or living their own lives somewhere likely to be away from your current town

Sounds like a well thought through plan , a fresh start for you both

Linenpickle · 22/07/2025 06:35

His no, don’t follow him! Are your kids planning on going to uni?

Climbinghigher · 22/07/2025 06:35

Do not move with your ex, that would be bonkers. What would happen if he had a new partner etc.

It’s a coiuple of years away, it may not happen. Particularly if he’s never even been there.. Look at building the life you want near your family. The ex’s relationship with the kids is his problem, not yours and the kids may move on themselves.

Namechangedasouting987 · 22/07/2025 06:42

Don't move with him. Stay near your family. In 2 years time the DC will be 21, 20 and 18 and not kids anymore.
From the outside it feels like a bonkers move on his part. But it is his call.
Focus on your life outside the DC. They could leave at anytime.

BellissimoGecko · 22/07/2025 06:45

Maddy70 · 22/07/2025 06:33

Your children will be off at uni somewhere or living their own lives somewhere likely to be away from your current town

Sounds like a well thought through plan , a fresh start for you both

This.

Don’t move with him -that would be crazy!

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 07:12

Should you move with your ex?

er…. No

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 07:13

He has expressed a vague plan for 2 years away

I would not give it any further thought for another 18 months at least and see if he still has same plan

Perhaps he’ll have met someone and does not want to move anymore

OneHardyMintZebra · 22/07/2025 07:16

He’s waiting until your DC are all adults which is great. As long as there is still a plan for how he is going to see them. Although you don’t know where your DC are all going to end up living in the future. I’m not quite sure why you are so upset? And why on earth would you move with him if he’s your ex?! Sounds a bit like you are still dependent on him to some extent. You need to focus on what you want for you. But this is still 2 years away.

Nextdoormat · 22/07/2025 07:18

@Themorningof
Exactly this. He hasn't even visited the place.
Also time to get on with your life in the niceness possible way. If ex meets someone who doesn't want him to have so much investment with you you will get hurt.

Original poster
Berryapplepie · 22/07/2025 07:21

Thanks all.

My two older dc are not going to uni but the youngest one is planning to.

Maybe it does seem a crazy idea for me to move with him - it's just I feel heartbroken at the thought of hardly seeing the dc if any of them decide to live with him. I know they are teenagers but they all still seem quite young. I just can't imagine how it would work with Christmases/ birthdays etc - I guess either exH or I would have to travel to the other person and stay in a b and b or something.

I think it's also that I don't actually feel settled myself - I know I'm going to have to move out of this town when we sell the family home, but I don't have a plan of where to move to. I am close to my extended family, and as I say we meet up every couple of months and speak on the phone, but they obviously have their own lives and families, I can't build my life around them.

I think I'm just grieving my family unit becoming even more split up than it already is. I probably need to work out where is best for me to go and start making plans for that.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 22/07/2025 07:23

Move where you want. You do realise your dc could move to Australia or something? Just live your life. You don't sound over your ex.

DampSquad · 22/07/2025 07:27

He's your ex, why are you thinking about moving with him, the "kids" will be young adults.

It sounds like he's moving on and has the next stage planned further away.

Sassybooklover · 22/07/2025 07:31

You definitely don't want to even considering moving with your ex husband! At the moment it's a vague plan that your ex husband has in his mind, that he's mentioned to you. It may not happen! 2 years is a long time, and his plans may change within that timeframe. If he decides to move 6 hours away from his children, that's his choice. All you need to concern yourself with is, the logistical part of your children (who will all be adults by then) getting themselves to where your ex moves too. You mention two of your children are ND, does this mean, they couldn't travel to wherever your husband moves by themselves? I ask because being ND doesn't mean they aren't capable, some ND children would be perfectly fine.

Original poster
Berryapplepie · 22/07/2025 07:33

It probably does sound strange. Reading some of the replies, I think I still have a sort of "family" mindset, but I know that's not reality. I was so attached to us all being a family unit for so long, I think I'm finding it hard to move on. The reality is that the family unit has changed and will continue to change as the dc get older.

Maybe I need to think less about that, and how it would all work re "family" occasions etc.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 22/07/2025 07:37

Do your older DC have social life, group of friends, work?

EternalLodga · 22/07/2025 07:39

What have I just read 😅

Sorry OP but I come from a family where we all ended up living in different countries from a young age so.your post is baffling to me.

Your kids will.go on to live their own lives. No offence but the UK is a small country, its hardly going to be an epic trek. It makes total sense for your ex to move to a buzzier city in a cheaper part of tje country, despite you sneering that he's never even been. It would be crazy for you to move where your ex is going. Im sorry you will have to downgrade living wise but it sounds like you need to start living your own life now

AtBeaverGoat · 22/07/2025 07:40

OneHardyMintZebra · 22/07/2025 07:16

He’s waiting until your DC are all adults which is great. As long as there is still a plan for how he is going to see them. Although you don’t know where your DC are all going to end up living in the future. I’m not quite sure why you are so upset? And why on earth would you move with him if he’s your ex?! Sounds a bit like you are still dependent on him to some extent. You need to focus on what you want for you. But this is still 2 years away.

^^ 100% this, he is waiting until his children are adults- then looking to start a new life for himself- good luck to him

EternalLodga · 22/07/2025 07:40

I think you sound like you've built your identity around your family and now you will have to develop an identity as an individual

T1Dmom · 22/07/2025 07:48

Why would you move with him? In that case you might as well get back together! Confused

WeakenFromWith · 22/07/2025 07:49

Berryapplepie · 22/07/2025 07:21

Thanks all.

My two older dc are not going to uni but the youngest one is planning to.

Maybe it does seem a crazy idea for me to move with him - it's just I feel heartbroken at the thought of hardly seeing the dc if any of them decide to live with him. I know they are teenagers but they all still seem quite young. I just can't imagine how it would work with Christmases/ birthdays etc - I guess either exH or I would have to travel to the other person and stay in a b and b or something.

I think it's also that I don't actually feel settled myself - I know I'm going to have to move out of this town when we sell the family home, but I don't have a plan of where to move to. I am close to my extended family, and as I say we meet up every couple of months and speak on the phone, but they obviously have their own lives and families, I can't build my life around them.

I think I'm just grieving my family unit becoming even more split up than it already is. I probably need to work out where is best for me to go and start making plans for that.

I just can't imagine how it would work with Christmases/ birthdays etc - I guess either exH or I would have to travel to the other person and stay in a b and b or something.

You have some adapting to do as your DC’s are adults.

You wouldn't need to travel for Christmas and birthday, neither would your ExDH. DC’s are adults. They would go alone. You wouldn't be with them when they visit their dad.

Sometimes, neither my exH or I see our DC’s at Christmas or on birthdays. They are adults. They choose to be with friends, partners. They move with their education, apprenticeships or work. They go travelling.

Time will make changes.

(Adding, I moved away and at one point it seemed my Ex was about to buy local to me…i panicked so much, this was my new life. I would have moved again if he had).

ZoomingSusan · 22/07/2025 07:51

This time of dc flying the nest is always hard. They need to be free to develop their own lives and will gradually move their focus away from the nuclear family. If you and their dad both move to a strange and distant city you might both see less of them. I would stay put for the time being and see how things develop.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/07/2025 07:58

I would get used to the idea that you won't always see your children on their birthdays any more. Sometimes it just isn't practical but you can do a video call before they go out with friends or maybe go to wherever they are for a weekend. You can see them one weekend and the ex the next weekend or all travel to wherever they are.

I would not follow the ex just because he might not settle and move back down and what about if you have met a new partner? I would instead focus on building a community around you where you plan to move to or in the same general area. I would leave it about five to ten years after the youngest goes to uni to make any definite decisions. Often children go to work somewhere else first but then migrate back to their home patch. Not everyone does though. If by that stage your children are living elsewhere, and you want to, then I would consider moving.

244milesnorth · 22/07/2025 08:00

Highly doubt any of your children would move 6 hours north. Reality is if they aren’t leaving to go to uni then most will stay in and around the area they grew up in so I wouldn’t be worried about them moving. They will never see significantly less of him and custody will be more like 99/1 to you

HarryVanderspeigle · 22/07/2025 08:01

You have no idea where your children will move when they are adults. There is no saying they will stay with either of you, although I know that is more common now. You will work out a new normal at the time. Do what is right for you at the time and live your best life.