Ex H wants to move 6 hours away

[Berryapplepie]

I'm feeling heartbroken about this, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I split up with ex H 2 years ago. We have 3 teens who are 16, 18 and 19. Ex H is saying that in a couple of years when our youngest has finished A levels, he wants to move up north, which is 6 hours away.

At the moment we live in the same town (in the south), so co parenting has been straightforward, we have around a 65(me)/35(him) split of the dc. He and I are amicable and if either of us wants to pop over to see the dc when they are with the other parent, we both do so, it's very flexible.

We will have to sell the family home (that I'm still in with the dc) in a couple of years. We'll then split the equity and we will both have to move out of the town we're currently in, as house prices are too high.

My exH wants to move up north for cheaper house prices, and also he feels that he wants a fresh start, a more buzzy environment. He's chosen a city up north where there's a lot going on with his interests and he thinks he'll meet a lot of new people that he gets on with. The irony is, he's never even visited this place, but he's set on going there.

I know I will have to move out of our current town to a cheaper area, but I was thinking of somewhere not too far from where we currently are. We have a lot of family within an hour or two of here, and meet up for Christmases, birthdays etc, and the dc enjoy all the get togethers.

If ex H moves so far away, I'm just thinking that it will be hard for the dc and hard for ex H and I, as we'll each see the dc less. I know they are growing up and having their own lives, but two of them are neurodiverse, and I just think it will be hard for them, trekking up and down the country to see both parents, in between having their own lives. None of them drive yet.

I don't know if/ when the dc will move out and have their own places, so how would it work with where they live? My ex H was saying to me "Well maybe one or two of the dc will want to live with me and the other one or two with you". I just think it seems sad to put them in that position, they all get on well, and I don't think they'd want to be away from each other for so long.

The other thing I thought was - should I move with my ex H? My job is remote, so that's not a problem. The place he wants to go to sounds fine - it's just so far away from my family. But then again I only see my family for a get together every couple of months. I see my parents more, who are getting older - I'd feel terrible leaving them behind, but I do have siblings who also see my parents.

I just feel so sad at the thought of not seeing the dc much any more, if one or more of them decide they want to live with exH, 6 hours away.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I don't know what to do.

@BerryapplepieI get it, you have a good relationship with your ex and it’s a bit scary to think of that support moving away. You might feel differently in a couple of years and a lot could change with the DC and their plans. Try not to worry too much and just the time thinking (not worrying) about the options open to you.

But your kids are going to move out eventually anyway, and may well move far away. You will eventually see them less as they build their own lives. Travelling to different places for Christmas and birthdays is just... What you do with adult kids. It's just life.

It's not as if he's going to the North pole and insisting all the kids go with him, the UK is a small island, even if they move to the farthest reaches of Scotland they'll never be more than a day's travel away.

This.

I'd also encourage you to change your mindset quickly. Firstly for yourself, so you aren't totally lost when they build their own lives.

But also, once your children are in their 20s, the world views them (and treats them) very differently. As a parent, part of your role is to prepare them for this and I worry they'll struggle as you say they "seem young". Your oldest will be 21, more than capable of jumping on a train every so often to see his dad. And all of them should be arranging their visits, not you

Your DC might want to move away somewhere regardless of where there Dad is - it sounds like in general you are struggling with the idea of your kids moving on to greater independence?

Focus on building a life for yourself in the next couple of years - developing your own interests and hobbies, and cultivating a life that fills you up with happiness. Do your own research into affordable places you could live local to you.

It's good you've had an amicable relationship with your ex until now, but you separated for a reason.

Let me guess

your ex is one for spouting theoretical further plans that actually very rarely pan out

If your ex moves away and DC don’t see him as much, that’s on him, to sort out. He sounds like he wants to eventually move one and feels he needs distance to do it. He is your ex, you can’t follow him, you are not his responsibility.
You need to think of yourself, you could move closer to family and friends, so when DC fly the nest, you can start to make a life of your own.

Agree with others you cannot move with him OP, that would be madness.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the family occasions like Christmas etc, family travel from overseas to get together for these things so 6 hours in the same country is not insurmountable.

Start thinking about where you might want to live and plan for that. Your children are not children now, and it’s quite possible that in 2 years time you won’t see much of them anyway.

I have older children and would advise staying in or around your current area as this is their home which they will always want to visit to see you and their friends. As they get older your home will remain their base.

Wait for him to actually move before you make any changes relating to your own life. Then the nearest I would come to letting that affect your location is to choose somewhere near to your family which is on an easy rail route to your ex’s house

I just can't imagine how it would work with Christmases/ birthdays etc - I guess either exH or I would have to travel to the other person and stay in a b and b or something

Kindly, this will change with or without a move. If either of you get a partner and as the kids grow.

I'm not judging, I wanted to hold on to the family Christmases but I had to let my adult children start their own traditions and families. It is an emotional part of having children, we give our all to create wonderful beings and then hand them over to their own lives.

I don't agree. Don't wait for an ex for anything.

Start thinking about what you want.

Your DC will all be adults in two years Op, there'll be no contact arrangements anymore to worry about. I think you've still thought of you all as a family but you and your Ex are divorced, he can move, marry again, if he wants to see his DC he'll need to arrange it with them, not you.
Let go Op, time for you to move on too

You need to be thinking about your life now separate from your DC. It’s hard, our DC are at university and have very separate lives to us even when home on holiday. I do have DH but I have found it hard to adapt to being empty nester and my new role in my life

Don't move away from your family to follow your ex husband if he moves to an affordable area at some distance. Frankly, that's kind of weird.

Your kids are nearly at a new life stage. They will be starting their adult lives away from their parents. They won't be doing holidays at home as much, they might move, but whatever, they're going to be a lot more independent and their focus will be outside your family. Your focus is going to have to shift to building your community of friendships and activities and you can't rely on your ex to be a big part of that.

Don’t follow your ex.

i can see why he might have those plans - he’s probably wanting a better property than he can get where he is.

I wouldn’t assume your kids will stay around where they grew up, many early twenties young adults move for work.

do your eldest have jobs? Have they moved out already?

my kids are now 25. One is settled in London and the other landed back with me briefly but will be settled in her chosen city of residence soon.

we hire Airbnb ‘s at Christmas. They go out clubbing with their mates on their birthdays.

OP, your dcs are almost adults. You know which city so investigate coach and train routes.
When it happens, give each of your dcs a young person's travel card and get them used to travelling by coach or train.

It's another step towards independence, and has to happen.

Him going could be a good thing because still thinking like this two years later is not helping you to move on.

This isn’t happening right now, he’s thinking about two years time. An awful lot can happen and change in that time, so I wouldn’t worry about it just yet.

Have you asked the kids about their plans for the next 2 - 5 years? I assume they have spent most of their lives living where you currently live. Are they settled. My ND kid is only 14 but has plans (obviously possibly will change) for the future and they do not involve moving anywhere!!

As they get older you will naturally see them less anyway so maybe you need to make plans for what you want to do for you in the next few years!

I think I'm just grieving my family unit becoming even more split up than it already is. I probably need to work out where is best for me to go and start making plans for that.

I think you've nailed it here tbh OP.

Your children are all either adults or nearly adults, in two years two of them will be in their 20s and their lives won't revolve around seeing you and their dad in as much of a regimented way.

If you still want to spend Christmas together with your ex then yes, one of you will have to travel and stay either with the other or in a hotel nearby.

But ultimately I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak here, your ex is thinking about his future and wanting to move somewhere new for a new life for himself, potentially (sorry to say it, I know it probably hurts) including the possibility of meeting someone new too. So I very much doubt he would want you, his ex-wife, to follow him, no matter how well you get along.

You definitely need to start thinking of what's best for you without him in the equation. Of course you will always share your children and it's great if you can get along for family gatherings, but don't leave yourself in a position where you've uprooted your life to maintain the current status quo with your ex, only to find he shows up with a new girlfriend who no longer wants him spending so much time with you 6 months later.

Respectfully, I think you need to get your sentiment and reality alligned, because right now they aren't.
Reality is that you and your ex have gotten divorced. You are no longer a family unit. There are 2 family units with children going back and forth.The situation right now benefits you both. You are very involved, flexible, near each other etc. This is a dream scenario. Many divorced parents have to deal with situations a lot more complex than this. And they are fine. So are the children. You've gotten accustomed to this ideal scenario and now you think this is the minimally acceptable situation for everyone to thrive in. It's not.

Another reality is that your children will all be adults by the time this is all happening. Adults. They will always be your children, but they will no longer be children. And again, they will be fine. They will adapt. They will most likely adapt far quicker than you will.

It's understandable that this announcement on his end has made you realise that the family you've always hoped to have will be taking on a whole other shape. And it's okay to need time to adjust and adapt. To grieve what you've lost even. But don't project it on your children.

Your youngest will be an adult by then, they may move away from you both by that age. It seems you are struggling with this, but accept it’s a perfectly good decision. Many move once kids are adults, divorced or not

As for moving…. Dc move themselves, I have one 6 hours away by car, one 3 hours by plane and my ex is 3 hours by car, I live 2 hours from fmh him 1 hour. We get on fine for the important events like DD’s wedding but you get on with your lives otherwise

This is two years away. You're currently in a notoriously confronting time where the kids are about to fly the nest. It's not just you that's staring in the mirror and wondering who you are, what you do, what you want.

But that is key, what do YOU want. I would urge you not to base this around what your ex husband wants, or what would make life easier for others, lots of things can change in two years.

Try to work out what you want and where you would like to live, do you like swimming in the sea? Cocktails? Theatre? Day raves? Climing up hills? Live music? Nightschools? Think about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like and focus there. Pictrue yourself in ten years time, what are you doing that brings you joy? Set your sails in that direction. The kids will be alright. The Ex will have to get used to motorway service station coffee if he goes through with it and that's fine, let him.

Why would you move to be near him, he’s not your husband any more? He’s being perfectly reasonable and waiting for all your children to be adults who will either be away at uni or looking for work (they may of course ask to live with one of you, but at that age it will only be one, there is no need to share their time between you).

Are you afraid they’ll all go off to live with / near him? Is that the real reason?