Ex H wants to move 6 hours away

[Berryapplepie]

I'm feeling heartbroken about this, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I split up with ex H 2 years ago. We have 3 teens who are 16, 18 and 19. Ex H is saying that in a couple of years when our youngest has finished A levels, he wants to move up north, which is 6 hours away.

At the moment we live in the same town (in the south), so co parenting has been straightforward, we have around a 65(me)/35(him) split of the dc. He and I are amicable and if either of us wants to pop over to see the dc when they are with the other parent, we both do so, it's very flexible.

We will have to sell the family home (that I'm still in with the dc) in a couple of years. We'll then split the equity and we will both have to move out of the town we're currently in, as house prices are too high.

My exH wants to move up north for cheaper house prices, and also he feels that he wants a fresh start, a more buzzy environment. He's chosen a city up north where there's a lot going on with his interests and he thinks he'll meet a lot of new people that he gets on with. The irony is, he's never even visited this place, but he's set on going there.

I know I will have to move out of our current town to a cheaper area, but I was thinking of somewhere not too far from where we currently are. We have a lot of family within an hour or two of here, and meet up for Christmases, birthdays etc, and the dc enjoy all the get togethers.

If ex H moves so far away, I'm just thinking that it will be hard for the dc and hard for ex H and I, as we'll each see the dc less. I know they are growing up and having their own lives, but two of them are neurodiverse, and I just think it will be hard for them, trekking up and down the country to see both parents, in between having their own lives. None of them drive yet.

I don't know if/ when the dc will move out and have their own places, so how would it work with where they live? My ex H was saying to me "Well maybe one or two of the dc will want to live with me and the other one or two with you". I just think it seems sad to put them in that position, they all get on well, and I don't think they'd want to be away from each other for so long.

The other thing I thought was - should I move with my ex H? My job is remote, so that's not a problem. The place he wants to go to sounds fine - it's just so far away from my family. But then again I only see my family for a get together every couple of months. I see my parents more, who are getting older - I'd feel terrible leaving them behind, but I do have siblings who also see my parents.

I just feel so sad at the thought of not seeing the dc much any more, if one or more of them decide they want to live with exH, 6 hours away.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I don't know what to do.

Is there any hope for reconciliation?

Honestly, I'd assume that if his plans come to fruition, a large motivator will be he'd rather like a new love interest & knows that having his life still enmeshed with his xw is going to put off a lot of potential matches. He's talking about meeting new people in a new city. When he says 'people', he's almost certainly thinking 'women' - & fair enough.

So I would pull back a bit. You probably need to start accepting that big family Christmas gatherings are on their way out...

As for the kids, they'll be fine. Mine are a couple of years older, & 2 months ago xh, 3dc & I were spread over 4 continents for study/work. The dc are currently all dividing their time between me & their dad for the summer, & will be disappearing to the corners of the compass again in a month. I miss them, obviously, but it's lovely when we get together & it's brilliant to see them spreading their wings.

Start thinking about YOUR new life in 2 years' time. Where would you really like to live? Anywhere but near the ex...

I've only read the OP and the caveat is my situation isn't exactly the same. I divorced my husband and moved a couple of hundreds of miles away. My dc has just set off back to where he lives and with a stop it will be about five hours. When he's home he's about an hour from his dad. Since I moved I've seen him more than his dad has, as he's a twat and too busy with the new bint to care about his kids. All of mine had left home for uni so it is different but we all make it work. I couldn't wait to move well away from h, the kids don't care whether they see him or not and are all happy to travel to see me. I went back home and it just so happens I'm only an hour from one of them anyway.

I think quite often on mumsnet we recommend therapy as a solution to literally everything - ‘pet snail died - therapy!’ ‘can’t get along with next doors llama - therapy!’ but for the change and the grieving - perhaps a bit of counselling to process or something of that ilk might help?

At one stage my parents had me in Canada , one brother in France and the other in USA. Sometimes one or all of us was around at Xmas , one year they visited my brother in France as he had married and had kids . You are dealing with the approaching empty nest . Where your Ex ends up is nothing to do with you . Decide where you think you would be happiest , perhaps downsize in your current place. You don't need a house now ,maybe only 1 bedroom and a sofa bed .

Is where he is thinking of living on a rail line that might be an easy way for the adult children to travel between houses?

https://www.nationalrail.co.uk/travel-information/maps-of-the-national-rail-network/

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

Let your ex do what he wants. It’s nice he’s letting you know, he could’ve just upped sticks and left.

You need to figure out what you want and live your life how you want.

You need to focus on establishing a good circle of friends and building your own life.

Nothing you can really do. He is trying to do the right thing by waiting until they are older. This is part of the pain of divorce. I wouldn't move with him, what if he koves again? What if in part he wants to be away from the past you are part of? Just need to wait see if it happens and deal.the best you can. Good luck

Agreed.
Sounds like you haven't really split with him emotionally or physically yet - he's just moved out. And now the reality of divorce is dawning in that you'll have to move out of the family home and your family may be dispersed.
Who knows where your kids will be in 2 years time, but change is inevitable whether he stays local or not.

Sounds like your ex-H is thinking of the next stage of his life once the kids are adults. He has stayed close for their childhoods, but it won't be long until they are all adults. If they were at/going to Uni then I might think that the youngest might need support a little longer than 18, but if they are all going straight into work then his approach seems reasonable.

You perhaps have not thought of this next stage in life and will need to start thinking of your own plan.

I don't think following your ex-h is a smart move, you need to think about what/where you want to be

Start thinking about yourself, OP. You’re still grieving the end of the relationship and all you once had. Leaving the family home may feel like a wrench. But the DC need to be allowed to grow up and fly the nest. Your relationship with each of them will change over time as they separate from you and may well become richer and more nuanced as you interact as adults. You’ll always be their mum and they’ll always love you. But you need to see this as your new found freedom. Start thinking about this next phase of your life. What do you want to do with it? Start a business? Travel? Take up a new hobby or sport? Join a choir? Learn a language or musical instrument? Do a course? What kind of place do you want to live? Is it country or town? Do you want a garden? Make notes, start looking at what’s out there. Invest in yourself. This is a new and exciting time. The kids will manage the relationship with both parents. It will all be fine.

Thanks for all the helpful replies. Honestly, they've really helped me see things from a different perspective. I've realised just how much I've been grieving the end of the family unit, and the end of the marriage, and still wanting us all to stay together, even though I know it's impossible. (I was the one who actually instigated the separation in the first place, basically due to my ex's emotional abuse - long story, but I know I can't go back there. Things are better between us now we're living apart and I think that sometimes makes me feel nostalgic for how things were)

I've always had a very strong feeling that family is the most important thing in life, that keeping family together and family traditions are so important for the children - I think it's partly due to my mum who is from another culture which has that outlook. But I know that can't always happen, in fact if you try to force it, it can sometimes be detrimental.

And I'm realising how much that outlook has stopped me focussing on myself and what I wanted!

The last couple of days I've been looking at rightmove for areas where houses are in my budget, even looking at houses two or three hours from here, where there are communities and things to do that I'm interested in. I've never done anything like that before, as all my decisions since being a wife and mum, were based around other people's needs. So it feels exciting!

And I'm sure the dc will be ok - it might take them time to get used to the changes, but basically life is change and I can't protect them from that forever.

That made me laugh because yes - that's exactly what he's like! 🤣

Emotional abuse make us doubt ourselves, feeling like every decision we make is always flawed and it might of made you feel stuck, even after divorce. I think your ex saying about moving away may have been said to make you feel alone and abandoned, it’s done the complete opposite though 😊

That sounds like a really positive update. Good on you for the mindset change, sometimes we get stuck.

Well done, OP. So pleased you are looking at the exciting possibilities for your new life. Sometimes a shift in outlook is all we need to approach a situation differently.
You are right. Family and friends are the most important things in life. But families come in lots of forms. Yours is still there, still close, still important. Build new traditions with your kids. Mark the occasions.
You can’t control your ex and he may never move so no point catastophising over that. Your kids will always have a relationship with you but it will change. If you expect them to crumble, they probably will. If you expect them to thrive, they probably will too. Mothers are hugely powerful people. You have much more influence than you think. Encourage them to be the best versions of themselves and you’ll cope with everything else. Good luck.

@Berryapplepie does ex want you to follow him?
You have grown up kids nearly all be left their teens soon .
inevitably everyone’s lives will go in different directions and follow their own paths.
Your ex has stayed to be a parent now he wants to do his thing and that’s fair .