Partner has been messaging his ex…

[SapphireAmi]

Hi all,

I really need some advice. Stupidly, I looked through my partner’s phone when he left it at my house. I found regular texts and phone calls between him and his ex since the very start of us being together (3 years). They’re arranging to meet up in the next two weeks in a different city (she’s from abroad). She’s been saying how much she still loves him and wants his babies. He’s not responded to those messages but when she has said she misses him he says he misses her back.

The other thing is that he seems to portray to me that he has an issue with black people coming into the country and that white people are a dying breed (I struggle with racist the comments he makes about pointing out black/asian/Indian people when out and about… he even used to pick on my Asian looks - though I am white.) But - his ex is black?

In his search history - he has porn too - all black women.

I am going to end things tomorrow as there have been a lot of issues in general and this was the final confirmation of his lack of commitment to me (won’t marry me/share finances/wants children). How do I best end things with all of this information? I know I shouldn’t have looked… this relationship has given me much anxiety and low self-esteem that I guess I wanted to look for evidence and found it :(.

Oh I’m really sorry to hear this x

Thank you for your reply. I’m devastated :( deep down I knew something was wrong. I just don’t know whether to mention the messages from his ex and the porn? I shouldn’t have looked at his phone.

Look at it this way- you have concrete evidence of the racism, porn habits, cheating messages, and more. This makes the whole "he won't marry me" make sense. You have missed a bullet!

Good for you for making up your mind so quickly.

Hi. Sorry you’re feeling so devastated & full of anxiety but this is largely because you know you want to get away from this person now, you’re on the cusp of change so it’s natural to feel this way. He doesn’t sound like the kind of person anyone would want to be with.

I’d very calmly tell him his level of commitment isn’t suited to you anymore & you’d feel happier apart. You already live separately so this shouldn’t be too difficult. You are doing the right thing. It’s good to see you respecting yourself. Well done.x

Him - Hey babe, shall we go to X this weekend?
You - No
Him - Why? Whats up?
You - you are a lying scumbag and a total shit. We are done.

Then block.

Hey, I'm actually glad you looked through his phone and clarified that he's dishonest and disloyal. As much as it hurts, it means you don't have to spend another second with someone who doesn't treat you with respect. Ending the relationship gives you an opportunity to meet someone who's actually genuine and loyal - try to view it that way. Big hugs as I know it's absolutely awful and the feeling of betrayal is overwhelming... I promise you'll meet someone who deserves you down the line and they'll be incredibly grateful to have you!

Stupidly, I looked through my partner’s phone when he left it at my house.

so you were suspicious anyway

this relationship op? Dead. In. The. Water

Never going to happen

would be great if the OP did though!

I actually can’t believe that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back for you.

Given, you know, his blatant racism

Thanks for pointing this out. His racism didn’t bother you until you found out he was in touch with his black ex and was watching black women in porn. You knew he was racist before you found the messages or porn, it seems you’re really hung up on the fact it’s black women. Would you be as upset if his ex was white and the porn was with white women? Whatever the case it’s clear the relationship is over. The person I feel sorriest for is his poor ex.

This is what I don’t understand. He’s clearly still in love with a black woman/interested in similar porn. Is this some twisted racist thing?

My self-esteem has rocketed in this relationship and there’s been so many red flags. I had to have therapy for a year as I thought I was to blame for so much.

Sorry, I’ve only gave a snippet of everything as I’ve not slept all night. He used racist remarks towards me as well and my self-esteem has been so low that I’ve questioned everything but I have made excuse after excuse. I guess my mind is still trying to defend him to make sense of it all. I appreciate where you’re coming from though and I am upset with myself I haven’t seen his racist attitude sooner.

But you're white? So they weren't really racist remarks towards you right? He was (I presume) saying you look Asian to insult you because he's racist towards Asians.

Sorry you're having such a shit time, it must be really upsetting, but you really did dodge a bullet. He sounds like a real cunt and you'll find someone better. Next time don't ignore red flags. And look after yourself x

Thank you for your kind words and support. It feels like my world has been torn apart. I’m just glad we didn’t have children together :(

Yes you’re right - he was racist towards Asians not me. I’m so annoyed at myself for accepting it.

and everyone else is right - it’s not about his ex being black or the porn - it’s that fact he’s been dishonest and not committed.

I just couldn’t get my head around it last night when I read the messages and my mind spiralled. I’m sorry everyone.

Thank you also for your supportive message. I can’t believe it took this for me to end it. I should have done it sooner x

Onwards and upwards. It gets much easier with time, this is the worst bit

I'd need to have a seriously compelling suspicion to go through someone's phone; it's basically an admission that the trust as gone.

It seems like you did, and were right to do so.

As rough as it is, just be glad you're rid of the thick, racist, cheating scumbag and have only wasted three years.

As an aside though - why didn't you leave him the second you found out he was racist?

Thank you for your support and kind words.

I honestly don’t know. I’ve been so weak minded.

You’ve been offered the truth on a plate. This is a gift. You already had suspicions about him or you wouldn’t have gone through his phone. Please walk away now with your head held high.

Well, you’re not weak minded now so stick to your guns, your own values, end it and block him.

You asked how you should do that with all this information. Just text him and say you’ve decided you want to end the relationship. You wish him well but do not want any further contact with him. Then block him on everything.

You don’t have to explain anything to him. That would probably lead you into a conversation where he lied and twisted things. You don’t need him to say anything because you now know exactly what he is.

Your self confidence plus your benchmark for what is a happy and healthy relationship op must be in the gutter for you to have remained in this relationship.

when / if you do actually see this end through… get some therapy to build up for confidence and uunderstand better what you should expect from a partner

Thank you for your strong message and support. The problem is is that I have his phone and have to drop it off this morning. We’re supposed to be going swimming together.

I’m going to go and collect my things and just be honest that I’ve read his messages and that it’s over.

My ex admitted to sleeping with a man while on holiday, before our relationship. I had no issue with him being bisexual.
However, he could be homophobic on occasion, especially when drunk. In particular with camp men. Not to their faces but saying things to me. It used to cause arguments between us. I didnt bring up the bisexuality, though, just tackled the homophobia.
The relationship was a complete disaster, he was emotionally and verbally abusive, and an alcoholic.
Get rid, and move on. Sounds like you would be much better off if you felt so insecure that you had to go through his phone. Your gut feeling was right, trust it in future.

Go with a friend