Partner has been messaging his ex…

[SapphireAmi]

Hi all,

I really need some advice. Stupidly, I looked through my partner’s phone when he left it at my house. I found regular texts and phone calls between him and his ex since the very start of us being together (3 years). They’re arranging to meet up in the next two weeks in a different city (she’s from abroad). She’s been saying how much she still loves him and wants his babies. He’s not responded to those messages but when she has said she misses him he says he misses her back.

The other thing is that he seems to portray to me that he has an issue with black people coming into the country and that white people are a dying breed (I struggle with racist the comments he makes about pointing out black/asian/Indian people when out and about… he even used to pick on my Asian looks - though I am white.) But - his ex is black?

In his search history - he has porn too - all black women.

I am going to end things tomorrow as there have been a lot of issues in general and this was the final confirmation of his lack of commitment to me (won’t marry me/share finances/wants children). How do I best end things with all of this information? I know I shouldn’t have looked… this relationship has given me much anxiety and low self-esteem that I guess I wanted to look for evidence and found it :(.

I’m honestly just shocked you were aware of this guys racist attitude yet still chose to be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you’re wanting sympathy now because the cheating affects you.

Your replies to people calling you out on this don’t make sense either, blaming low esteem and saying he also made racists comments to you when you’re white and then you started saying you wish you saw the racism sooner?! Wasn’t once enough?!,

Yet knowing this about him, you imply you even wanted to marry him at one point as your original post highlights him not wanting to as a red flag to you.

You reap what you sow 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I agree

the op doesn’t exactly come across very well from this grotty relationship either

Personally, I think him messaging his ex is the least of the problems.

I can't see how you've managed to get to this point with such a vile man. Or are you one of those people who isn't bothered about someone's character until it affects you personally?

I'll be honest, I'm struggling to find much sympathy for you.

OP I am glad you've now had compelling evidence of who he is. Your reaction to that shows what a decent person you are. Drop the phone off, tell him what you've seen (or don't) but, either way, you are finished with him. Head up, walk away. You've got this x

I am upset with myself I haven’t seen his racist attitude sooner.

you did see it but you chose to ignore it

Or was completely relaxed about it

Same thing in my eyes.
Only became a problem for her when she realised she was being cheated on

ignoring one thing (despicable)

relaxed about it (heinous as indicates as soft affinity with his views)

either way… the OP doesn’t come across well

Yeah because the racism wasn’t ’compelling’ enough. But sure, the fact she’s walking away once she’s discovered the cheating - what a hero! 🙄

I'm not sure how putting the boot in now, as OP is clearly trying to find her authentic voice & do the right thing (for her & in general) helps? OPs ex will never know /reform his ways. OP herself is emerging from a relationship with a really awful individual. If you feel judgement about any past behaviour then surely, as she's seen that herself the best thing is to support her moving forward?

when we’re talking about racism… I’m cool with making it clear that I don’t think the Op has remotely covered herself in glory.

I’m simply commenting on your appraisal of the situation as OP being an inherently ‘decent’ person as ridiculous and which fails (or refuses) to take into account the facts of the real situation here: OP stuck for years with a racist but the final straw is the cheating for her.

So as someone who’s been the victim of racist bullying and whose brother was beaten to a pulp as a teen resulting in a deformed eye and suffering head injuries since (basically I lost my brother that day), excuse me for not letting minimising posts like yours go by without comment.

@SapphireAmi i wouldn’t be honest as you owe him nothing .
Massive risk here if you are honest he will gaslight you and you will be questioning yourself again and won’t end it .
Id fake Covid or something and leave the phone on the doorstep for him
to collect. Afterwards when you are ready you can end it.
He sounds so sure of himself . He left the phone there all night knowing he has incriminating messages etc in it. Sounds so sure he has you where he wants you .
Id show him the opposite and not look back

Thank you for understanding and for acknowledging how I’m trying to move forward.

I’m sorry to those who I’ve offended. It wasn’t the intention.

You looked through his phone because subconsciously you knew he was cheating

Offended?

More like we think that staying with a flagrant racist for years rather puts you in the spotlight in terms of your view on racism.

Any posters like myself, who haven’t empathised with you, it’s not because we’re offended - you saying that doesn’t even make sense.

It’s because your intention was to remain with your racist BF and the only reason you’re not is because he cheated on you. But I see you’re not going to address that part, just the part where you’re the supposed victim. Got it.

I'm not offended.

I've never been personally affected by racism. I just don't tolerate it or feel much sympathy for people who are complicit in it.

And I have no respect at all for people who can then a blind eye to behaviour that very much affects others just because it doesn't affect them.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

In your shoes I would actually not tell him I'd looked in his phone. I'd tell him "I'm so sorry but I just don't see a future with you" and if he pushed I'd say "I'm afraid I just don't find you attractive".

That way he will get a good ego blow.

I'm petty though, and don't think he deserves honesty.

Did you not see where the op says he was horrible to her and she's been in therapy a year because he's made her feel so low?

To you who is not emotionally involved, it will make sense in the clear light of day that obviously his racism is not ok. But when someone is in the boiling frog scenario, you can become bogged down with so many things, it becomes death by a thousand cuts. I'm pretty sure op isn't okay with it at all but it's sounds like he has at the very least, emotionally abusive to her. She was clearly in the fog.

Sticking the knife in when someone is down is not okay. And I'm not an apologist of racism either, I'm giving the op some empathy which she clearly needs right now. Least she has ended it with him.

As @Personperson just said, there are mitigating circumstances as to why OP put up with it as much as she did. To use her own words, she had low self esteem, was weak, needed therapy, and despite all the red flags, his racism being one which she acknowledged, she questioned herself and stayed.

Unfortunately there are people who stay with abusive partners (or in his case racist) as they are so beaten down they lack good judgement.

When you aren't well you do things that do not align with your own values. I've been there.

I think she comes across a decent person. I understand your view having experienced what you have, which is awful, and for having zero tolerance of bigotry/racism which we should all subscribe to, but it's clear OP did not like what he was saying, but that she was too weak to call him out on it and leave.

Ta ta racist fool🙋
So glad you don't have children with this idiot.
There's definitely a better life out there for you.. good luck.

Did you see the OP feels comfortable enough finishing with him re once she knows he’s cheated

but not in the many times before then that he was spouting off his insanely racist views

Maybe don’t even tell him you went through his phone. Jus dump and leave as fast as you can.
he doesn’t sound at all right in the head.