What has happened to my marriage?

[PrincessCalley]

So both DH and myself turned 40 this year. We are married 14 years, together 20 and have 2 kids (12&9). We used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great. But in the last month or 2 it's just stopped. Not sure what happened but I was quite busy with work and a couple of other things and somewhere along the line it's like we've turned into 2 housemates. Very little chat, no affection, he doesn't come to bed much any more as he'd rather sleep on the sofa. He came to bed last night and I know he wanted to do the deed but with very little foreplay so I shut it down. I don't find myself attracted to him anymore even though he is still very good looking. We don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money.

So I'm not sure whats going on? I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested. He's never been very emotionally available but has gotten a lot worse in the last while. I'm just a bit sad and lonely to be honest. Anyone have advice?

No, OP - you don’t go. He’s ending the marriage; if anyone goes, he needs to leave. Is his point that the house needs to be sold and he can’t afford to go anywhere until that happens?

This was me a dozen years ago. Husband refusing to leave, "cherchez la femme" advice here but I had no proof so was thinking about leaving myself as I couldn't make him go. I got into his email account and it was full of evidence, with him being really nasty towards me to his latest affair partner. That gave me the leverage and anger to make him leave. Instead of ignoring him, I'd seek him out and make him have hard conversations. He found himself somewhere to stay very fast, and couldn't act like I was in the wrong for make him go.

It didn't work out with his AP as he expected. I have a far more considerate partner.

I'd recommend finding evidence.

External stresses and the cost of living are hard work.

Eliminate as much negativity in your lives as you can.
Focus on creating joyful times for each other and the family.

Get more sleep.

Go on dates.

Ride out the down time by making positive decisions - choosing to express affection, give a compliment, buy a chocolate, listen more etc etc.
Love is a verb. Practise makes more perfect.

This has been going on years now. He has someone else and everyone else knows. Tell him to leave in the next 2 weeks. He can sleep on someone else’s sofa and be sullen. The OW is obviously married, broke or still living at home.

Pull the comfy rug from under him. You need to go into a new season with certainty and purpose.

He’s having his cake and eating it. He’s shagging around whilst comfy undrr your roof, on your time, on your sweat and on your dollar. Get him gone - he’s making a fool out of you. This is draining and eroding you. Do not become a shell of yourself because your DCs need you not to be preoccupied and worried, they are absorbing this negativity and distress even if you think you arr putting on a brave face. They need an attuned, present parent.

I am so sorry this has happened to you over the last few years - but please reach out to a close friend or family or find some counselling to support you (online if not possible locally).

The ball is in your court. He’s making a mockery out of you.

There is definitely someone else. Sounds like he is waiting in the wings for them. Do NOT leave the family home. He needs to go considering he has brought this all on himself and you and your kids need stability. Sounds like he is useless with them anyway.

Take the initiative.
Make an appointment with a solicitor yourself asap.
Find out what your options are and what you have to do to get the clock started on the 2 year separation you need for a divorce.
At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.
i suspect in his head he has been single for a while but living in the family home with you doing a lot of the work.

After you have spoken to a solicitor you can talk to your STBX about property, access to the kids, child support, telling the kids and wider family etc

Don’t send yourself demented trying to find evidence. What a waste of your precious and finite energy. Why do you need to prove to anyone else that there is an affair partner? EVERYONE knows that marriages don’t break down for no reason - save your dignity and wait for him to introduce his ‘new girlfriend’ to family and friends before Christmas - they will all know she was there already.

Please use your precious headspace and emotional energy to setting up the future for you and your DCs - don’t go down the rabbit hole of distraction. She will emerge - it’s a ‘when’ not ‘if’ situation. Know that. The shit always rises to the top - no need to lower yourself to go digging for it. Plenty of people already know. Does he have a friend - you could accidentally bump into one and say I want to ask you a question - just watch their face closely - no need to ask them the Q in the end. Also prepare for the worst here - except him to start another family, or their is already another DC. Im older than you so have seen this so many times. Protect your own peace and MH and focus on your future with your DCs. Do not entertain thoughts of shame etc. Get him gone tho.

My DH and I are bestfriends but there’s often a few days where we don’t say I love you anymore I think a lot of the time it’s just because that’s life and it’s routine. We do make an effort to go out just the 2 of us but I do often miss the newness of a relationship. However with busy jobs, 3 dogs, my 3 teenage kids, a house to run, it’s quite hard to find eachother. If he’s like my husband he probably hasn’t even noticed anything is wrong!

Do not leave.
You have made a major investment in your home via your parents and your own hard work.
If you are on Instagram have a look at a poster called Rachel Starting Over who is a year on from you. Her ex says he’d had enough… and then gave his job up and refused to move out!
A year on she’s in a great place but she’s been very honest about the journey she’s been on.
So sorry you are going through this.

So at this point you need to get legal advice and get the ball rolling on divorce. 💐

He has no plan other than to stay here = he has no plan at all and this will rumble on for even more years.

You need legal advice

I think your going to come out of this happier. Take control and focus on the practicalities. The house wil either need sold or one of you to buy the other out. Start there. Be firm and insistant. You’ve been living in limbo under the same roof for too long now and the longer you do this the longer you will be unhappy.

A fresh start with you and the children awaits. Embrace it.

Don't leave op

Checklist for you.

Anger. Find it.
Shit hot divorce lawyer. Find one.
Ask parents to provide evidence of gift to YOU.
STI test. Book one.

OP, can you talk to his parents and explain what is happening and ask them to take him in?

You do realise he wants to leave me. He's told me. So he definitely realise!!! 🤣

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Maybe I have been stupid about the other woman but I guess time will tell. And id say you're right in that I'll have to sell eventually which is sh!t because I do love our home and the kids and myself would be very happy here.

Hi OP, why does he get to call the shots….he's not happy, he wants to leave, he wants to stay in the house for as long as he thinks.

So so easy for me to say, and I say this as kindly as I know how, but maybe it’s time he is shown the door on your terms, time to begin coping without all you do, time to start acting like a grownup.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through at the moment.

I was in the same situation 17 years ago. I loved my home. I eventually sold it and now I have a new home. The memories came with me and my children who are grown up now are happy and thriving. I’m as happy here as I was in my old home.

You’ve totally got this.

So sorry you are experiencing this.....but this man sounds like he has another woman. He has been biding his time to go.
Just take it all an hour at a time. I was given this advice when times were tough and it did help. I tried to achieve something positive in each hour.
Life is tough....but it wont always be this way for you. Things have a habit of coming full circle and turning around. The tables always turn.

Date night every couple of weeks. Get dressed up, go out, have drinks/dinner and talk. It’s so
important to stay connected and each feel appreciated.

😪

When does your dc start secondary? Let the new school know if you feel that your dc are affected by what’s going on. Both my dc’s schools have been very supportive of various issues, and absolutely nothing like the judgemental cesspits they were years ago when we were in school ourselves.

It can be a really tough emotional rollercoaster getting them settled in, even without issues at home.

editing to clarify that I’m in the RoI too.

You've just drifted apart which happens. Talk about it with him and try to work out how to relight the fire.

If we tell them I will. My best friend works in the school she's going to so she can keep an eye on her too. It's a lot all at once. Not ideal timing at all...