What has happened to my marriage?

[PrincessCalley]

So both DH and myself turned 40 this year. We are married 14 years, together 20 and have 2 kids (12&9). We used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great. But in the last month or 2 it's just stopped. Not sure what happened but I was quite busy with work and a couple of other things and somewhere along the line it's like we've turned into 2 housemates. Very little chat, no affection, he doesn't come to bed much any more as he'd rather sleep on the sofa. He came to bed last night and I know he wanted to do the deed but with very little foreplay so I shut it down. I don't find myself attracted to him anymore even though he is still very good looking. We don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money.

So I'm not sure whats going on? I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested. He's never been very emotionally available but has gotten a lot worse in the last while. I'm just a bit sad and lonely to be honest. Anyone have advice?

Okay so rather than drip feeding, I work full time and have a good wage. We do have a joint account but only use it for bills. So I'm not worried about him taking anything from me. I've my own pension (public sector and additionally one and also have an investment fund) We do have a separate one for the kids and that's in his name only but ill be getting my name added to that tomorrow. Tried last year but one of the forms wasn't stamped. Id asked him to do it but ill do it myself this time and just get him to sign what he needs to sign. Ive also a separate bank account with some money in that he knows nothing about. We own our house outright so no mortgage but my parents gifted me money over the years to pay off loans and to help us be in a better financial position. Haha should have kept that money in hindsight. But anyway, my kids have a roof over their head and I know that that's safe...for now! Ill be able to prove it have paid more if it came to it so would pay him off if needed.

Some questions, yes he goes to the gym a lot and I wouldn't be surprised if he's met someone there. They are very different people to me and some of them are alot younger so who knows. All supposed to be in relationships but I know some of them and there have definitely been rumours about some of them over the years. He also works in a job that has long hours at different times of the year but that has been that way for many many years. So who knows...looking back things started to change about 2 and half years ago so he could have been up to anything.

Ill be keeping things quiet for the moment. But id love to be there when be tells his parents. They'll be disgusted. I actually get on very well with them. My own parents are getting on in years and I'm not sure how they'll take it and have some health issues at the moment so won't burden them with things for now either. But will definitely looking to therapy!

I felt such deja vu reading your posts @PrincessCalley. I posted on here and was told "cherchez la femme" which turned out to be true. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst x

Thank u. It is what it is i guess! Stupid bit*h if that's the case!

Talk to a family law solicitor as he may put in a claim against your pwnsion or want to sell the house to get his share. Make sure he pays maintenance for the children and takes them regularly as he sounds like a guy who qill do as little as possible.

It could be a mid life crisis. He’s the right age for it.
Having been through it one thing to consider is if you want the marriage.
I would also point out in no uncertain terms the hurt he is going to cause to you, the children and wider family.
I’d also be blunt and tell him the grass isn’t greener out there.
If he wants to move out he will but he may not like it as much as he thinks.
And from the get go he should be paying to support his children - has he considered this beyond "being happy"
There are a lot of resources out there about mid life crisises.
I wish you strength and fortitude @PrincessCalley

For what it’s worth he’s being a total idiot and will likely totally regret it

Thank you for the support ladies. It means a lot. I actually hate him right now. I really hate him. I go through phases of thinking I'll be okay to sobbing. Im so mad though. My parents gifted me money over the years to help us pay off our mortgage and other personal debt and I (now stupidly) used it all to give us a better life. His so called happiness is going to destroy me. And will cause huge upset to our beautiful children. I dont know how I'll get through the next few days but ill figure it out. One day at a time. Im mad at him for getting to decide that our marriage is over when all I've done the last few years is try and make things better for us. And no I'd say he has considered nothing apart from him being happy as he is too selfish for that.

@Ritaskitchen How did u get tru it?

Feel all the feelings. It's shit and unfair and its totally OK to feel that.
From experience what I would say is to focus on what you can control.
You might want him to change his mind, or you might want to move on. Either is fine but accept that this is happening right now and think about what is in your control in the upcoming minutes, hours and days.
I wasted way too much time begging, convincing and making logical arguments that got me nowhere in the short term
Let him feel the consequences of his choices. Both times my dh decided unilaterally our marriage was done (he was having an affair) that's the only thing that impacted, everything else just made it more difficult for me.
You will be OK. I promise. He is being an idiot and he will regret it, but not as much as you will regret the levels you'll want to stoop to in order to avoid a change in circumstances you don't want and didn't ask for.
So focus only on you and the kids right now. Whatever you all need, give it to yourselves.
I would bet money that once he's moved out and you've had time to catch your breath it won't matter when he changes his mind and you'll see you are better off free.
I spent two years working on a marriage that was dead in the water. If I could go back and let him go then I would. Every step you take to break free of him now your future self will thank you for.
Make every decision from here on for her

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne thank you for the message. The nights are harder than the days! Im busy and he's not here but the nights are long and too much thinking time. He's not going to change his mind so there's no point begging. It's also humiliating me more by doing that. It really is like a death though isn't it?! Loss of the life you thought you'd have. How are you doing now?

It is like a death, that's why they tell you to grieve the lose.
I found it really helpful to focus on what I'm actually losing over what my body thinks I'm losing.
Like you, I did most of family life on my own. I got used to feeling resentful and chasing for practical help, chasing to feel loved, chasing for confirmation I was important.
Our nervous systems hold onto that and evert bit of attention from them gives us a 'hit'
It's a bit like giving up smoking to let go. You spend way more time not smoking than smoking, but when we try to stop we we feel we've lost something precious. Even though most of our day is spent without a cigarette in hand (I gave up 20+ years ago but still remember!)
You spent most of your time functioning perfectly well without him already, you will manage the rest.
And it's hard to remember that they are rhe source of your pain. Trying to hang onto them is like trying to hang onto the pan handle that's burning you! We feel like we need to keep hold of it at all costs but once we let it go the relief is fast

That explains the situation so perfectly. Thank you. I know I'm worth more than he realises. I would actually consider myself a very good wife (he says differently of course) but I know that's the truth. I cook, clean, have provided/kept a lovely home, I even do the gardening work, pay more money towards our kids than he does and make sure they have everything they want, and go everywhere that's required. I do doctors, dentists visits, organise bday parties and also have a full time job and somehow managed to find time to have sex with him at least twice a week. But it's not enough for him. He's not happy! And he deserves to be happy. Truthfully im not happy with how little he does, or how little he contributes but I always wanted him to want to do it. But he's a spoiled man child. So long term I kno im better off. But it has such devastating consequences for my children's lives. They deserve better.

I was in exactly the same boat. We were having sex a lot, I was doing all the child care, all the cooking, all the cleaning, managed our social life, all the family admin.
It still wasn't enough.
He had the cheek to say he wasn't appreciated for his contribution financially and that I never have to take out the bins as he always does them when he's not away with work..

And I still felt that I was losing something precious..

It's amazing what a bit of hindsight does 😆

Since he moved out life has been way easier and I've had lots of interest from other men (not that I'm particularly interested in return, but it goes to show!)

Sounds familiar alright. What has happened to all these so called men?!

Another woman (or man) if hes not out more it’s probably at work or an online reconnection or new connection

In my case he was getting told how amazing he was, how unappreciated he was, and how much he deserved to be happy by a woman 11 years younger with no kids of her own...
He was dumb enough to listen to it, so he's dumb enough to live it.
Funny enough he's not happier ..
They live and learn. It's just a tragedy they have to blow up everyone else's lives in the process!

I could see something similar happening here. My husband is a very good looking man. But he doesnt have the personality to match. So on first meeting I can see how someone could think hes all that. And I know he'd love the attention of someone else..

It’s a horrid cliche but you’ll be ok op. I’m similar age and have been let down by men I was in love with twice (first one by teen-26 year old bf/fiance after 9 years , then the father of my child while pregnant age 36) there is a lot to untangle here, but to give you some hope, it will be so nice for you to reconnect with yourself and what YOU enjoy and like doing, not revolving your life around pleasing him and his moods, starting to think and feel for yourself. It feels scary at first doing things like travelling or going to a wedding alone with no other half but you’ll start to enjoy it. There is a whole world of opportunities open to you now to be happier than you’ve been in years. It’s weird the idea of another romance when you’ve been with one man so long but when you first snog an attractive man it’s so so so much fun!

I’m in the ROI too. I know it feels different here and it is at first but then you realise there are so many people out there going through the same. I’ve found the most fantastic family law solicitor, going to see one helps to pivot yourself at least.

a good listen - https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/56-the-mucky-part-of-living-your-truth-with-mary-fahey/id1546072609?i=1000778491771

Well it was just time really. He sort of went a bit crazy. There was never another woman. He moved out a couple of times.
It was a v v difficult time. It lasted about 18 months.
But he never was difficult about money and access to the children.

Ooh and I took it 1 day or sometimes 1 hour at a time. Leant in friends and family. I also got on with my life. I also set boundaries (after a while) about what I would and would not accept from him.

You and your children both deserve better but you wouldn’t be getting the better life you deserve by him staying. It’s not like he was giving you what you deserved and now suddenly he’s taking that away, you were the one giving your children the family and home they deserved and you can continue to do so.

Sometimes when a woman does so much for the man, giving so much to him and the family, they don’t appreciate the woman thinking oh what a wonderful person this is she does so much for me, they think they are the wonderful one - because the person does so much for me I must be so worthy - and quite frankly get way above themselves. That’s why they say (whoever ‘they’ is) fill your own cup. Decentre him and start to centre yourself, take the attention away from him and whatever the hell he’s feeling and really start to think about what you want from your life. You can do this even while he’s living in the house ‘saving up’

Work out finances and give him a deadline to move out. Tell him you expect a co parent agreement where you are not doing all the cooking and cleaning and childcare and he gets to sit on the sofa like nothing has changed. If he wants a single life then he should start to get one.

This is not to punish him, it’s for you to disentangle yourself from the role you’ve played for many years and start thinking about yourself. Doing all things you’ve been doing won’t suddenly make him realise what a wonderful wife you are because you were doing all of that for years and all it did was make him unhappy apparently. And you know what, you don’t want a husband who wants to be with you because of the labour you provide, if he doesn’t have passion for you as a person then it’s time to move on.