What has happened to my marriage?

[PrincessCalley]

So both DH and myself turned 40 this year. We are married 14 years, together 20 and have 2 kids (12&9). We used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great. But in the last month or 2 it's just stopped. Not sure what happened but I was quite busy with work and a couple of other things and somewhere along the line it's like we've turned into 2 housemates. Very little chat, no affection, he doesn't come to bed much any more as he'd rather sleep on the sofa. He came to bed last night and I know he wanted to do the deed but with very little foreplay so I shut it down. I don't find myself attracted to him anymore even though he is still very good looking. We don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money.

So I'm not sure whats going on? I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested. He's never been very emotionally available but has gotten a lot worse in the last while. I'm just a bit sad and lonely to be honest. Anyone have advice?

Just a quick update.

So I finally bit the bullet last night and brought it up again. Got nowhere but I left our bedroom and slept elsewhere. Decided I wasn't going to bring it up anymore. Woke up this morning, made coffee for both of us and just continued as normal.

We did chat just before he got ready for work. He feels we're very different, have different ideas and opinions on most things but that it's our job to put the kids first. I told him if we were both unhappy they would eventually be unhappy too. So I'm not sure what is going on. He did tell me he was still very attracted to me and I told him that has never been an issue. Sex has kept us together before when things were going badly. I honestly don't think there's anyone else involved. We're just adults who have been together since we were 19 and now very unsure of each other.

Is it possible to just grow apart like this or am I being nieve?

Would you both consider counselling? It doesn't sound like something that will just resolve. It sounds like there are unspoken feelings.

I don't think he'd go to be honest. We also live in ROI and I don't even know if that's a thing. The Irish way is suck it up and get on with it. I do think there are other things going on and historic issues there that we've never resolved but now 20 yrs together, married 14yrs and 2 kids later it's too hard/expensive to deal with them.

So why has it come on suddenly then? You’re still young and could have another 40 years together.

I wouldn’t want to let this just drift aimlessly. What does he want? What do you want OP?

How can you get some time as a couple to chat and reconnect?

Just stumbled on this thread. How are things now @PrincessCalley ?

It’s a stating the obvious statement.
You really do have this life.
From an outsider, your life sounds horrible.
No point in being married whatsoever.
I don’t think it makes any difference where you live.
Seek legal advice or Counselling.
Be assertive. Make it clear that you are not going to live the way you are any longer.
If it is possible he is messaging someone else, definitely check his phone.
Your children deserve better too.