What has happened to my marriage?

[PrincessCalley]

So both DH and myself turned 40 this year. We are married 14 years, together 20 and have 2 kids (12&9). We used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great. But in the last month or 2 it's just stopped. Not sure what happened but I was quite busy with work and a couple of other things and somewhere along the line it's like we've turned into 2 housemates. Very little chat, no affection, he doesn't come to bed much any more as he'd rather sleep on the sofa. He came to bed last night and I know he wanted to do the deed but with very little foreplay so I shut it down. I don't find myself attracted to him anymore even though he is still very good looking. We don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money.

So I'm not sure whats going on? I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested. He's never been very emotionally available but has gotten a lot worse in the last while. I'm just a bit sad and lonely to be honest. Anyone have advice?

Just a quick update.

So I finally bit the bullet last night and brought it up again. Got nowhere but I left our bedroom and slept elsewhere. Decided I wasn't going to bring it up anymore. Woke up this morning, made coffee for both of us and just continued as normal.

We did chat just before he got ready for work. He feels we're very different, have different ideas and opinions on most things but that it's our job to put the kids first. I told him if we were both unhappy they would eventually be unhappy too. So I'm not sure what is going on. He did tell me he was still very attracted to me and I told him that has never been an issue. Sex has kept us together before when things were going badly. I honestly don't think there's anyone else involved. We're just adults who have been together since we were 19 and now very unsure of each other.

Is it possible to just grow apart like this or am I being nieve?

Would you both consider counselling? It doesn't sound like something that will just resolve. It sounds like there are unspoken feelings.

I don't think he'd go to be honest. We also live in ROI and I don't even know if that's a thing. The Irish way is suck it up and get on with it. I do think there are other things going on and historic issues there that we've never resolved but now 20 yrs together, married 14yrs and 2 kids later it's too hard/expensive to deal with them.

So why has it come on suddenly then? You’re still young and could have another 40 years together.

I wouldn’t want to let this just drift aimlessly. What does he want? What do you want OP?

How can you get some time as a couple to chat and reconnect?

Just stumbled on this thread. How are things now @PrincessCalley ?

It’s a stating the obvious statement.
You really do have this life.
From an outsider, your life sounds horrible.
No point in being married whatsoever.
I don’t think it makes any difference where you live.
Seek legal advice or Counselling.
Be assertive. Make it clear that you are not going to live the way you are any longer.
If it is possible he is messaging someone else, definitely check his phone.
Your children deserve better too.

Hi all,
Came across my thread from last year and guess what?? It's like groundhog day! Still here doing the same thing. Had a huge blow up at Christmas and he told me he wanted to leave but after a couple of days he said we'd try work out some things. I know i definitely tried. Tried to be more affectionate, said we'd spend time alone together and guess what? Absolutely nothing. So tonight I brought it up again. He told me he just wants to be happy. So guess that's it! Happy...but not with me. Have to figure out how to deal with it now. Our oldest is starting secondary school in a few weeks so want that to go well for her. So he'll probably have to stay here for a while. Id say we'll eventually have to sell up as I cant manage the upkeep on the house alone. So lots to decide. I just feel so unwanted. I know I'm not the easiest at times but I deserve better. I wish I'd never married him but wouldn't change my kids for the world.

Just read your thread and then realised it's from last year. You poor thing - it's like a long slow death isn't it.
Is he still glued to his phone? It all sounds very much like the Script - so sorry, I've been through this and it's no way to live.
It doesn't sound like it's your fault - but you can't mend a relationship by yourself. I really tried too - but to no avail. I did strongly suspect an affair - found out loads later that there was indeed another woman.
No advice really - a divorce is no walk in the park either, esp for the children. Look after yourself and the DC - maybe start doing some things to lift your your mood outside the home, without him. Try to combat that unwanted feeling feeling at home, and build your self esteem back up x

Death by a thousand cuts more like. But thank you for replying. I understand and that's my biggest concern really. My kids and finances. They are at tricky ages too so not sure how we are going to figure that out for now. Can I ask you what's "the script?" He says there's noone else but there are "a million" people he likes more than me right now. It hurts as I think I'm a nice person for the most part and I've worked really hard to help provide us with a nice home and a nice life and he appreciates nothing.

If he’s hard to read, just ask him x

I've asked. He won't answer.

From experience op I'd say there is another woman in the picture. My husband changed exactly the same way. I thought he couldn't possibly be having an affair as he always came home on time but nope, there was a colleague who lived in another country! Their affair was mostly remote aside from work conferences. I had him back when it all came out only to find out it was on again / never stopped 2 years later. When I look back now I would bet money it started at least a year before i knew about it the first time. I suspect on and off again and we had periods where he was clearly trying interspersed with period like you were describing at the start of your thread.
He'd also started falling asleep on the sofa, turned out he was waiting until I went to bed so he could messaging her.

What I've realised now though is that whether he's cheating or not doesn't matter, you aren't getting the partner you deserve. All you can do is look after you and the kids and let him live in the consequences of his behaviour.

Some men get like this if they not getting sex. They sulk but don't talk. Its a vicious circle. The more they sulk and act like a pig the less they will get sex .
Its time for a frank talk and bollox to his emotional internalisation

I know a couple like this. Well I know the female mostly.
She told me they were like this for years, just ignoring the elephant in the room, barely talking. Slept in the same bed but neither wanted or asked for sex.
In the end they just parted.
There was no other woman (or man), and neither were upset about it!

Thanks to those who have responded. In the bright light of day, things ain't as bad as it seems. I'm currently here with my kids as normal. I don't work during the summer so we dont see much of him anyway. So this is normal for us. He comes home in the evenings but between kids activities in the evenings and him going to the gym there isnt much time spent here anyway. So, if he was to move out it wouldn't be much different. I assume he'd still see the kids and do the odd thing for them but I do 95% anyway so again no real difference. The main problems are financial. We dont have a mortgage thankfully but he does pay some bills. Ive a good job and can afford to pay for everything but the problem is the house needs some work as its been neglected lately but I do have some savings so could use that. However, it would leave me very open. I will also be making him pay for half of all back to school expenses for the kids. I've actually fallen into the habit of paying for most stuff for the kids so he'll have to pay half. Biggest thing would be him having to find somewhere to live. So guess that's what we have to decide on.

Finding somewhere to live is his problem. You need to get legal advice and find out what you are entitled to.
Set a timeline so the process doesn't drag on. Good luck

So it's actually happening...he wants out. Won't be moving out for a while as he needs to save. But Ive a feeling it won't be long until I get fed up of that and want him gone. I'm very💔 and can't get over how cold and matter of fact he is. But gotta keep going as normal for now. Kids have to come first.

So sorry love. I feel there’s more to come out here…

In some ways I really hope there is. Ill kill him and also take him to the cleaners

No man leaves a warm bed and home for nowhere to go. There is another warm bed and home with another woman (or man).

There is obviously someone waiting for him to make his mind up.

I think there might be more too, I'm afraid.

Sorry you're going through it. I'd try and get him out sooner rather than later.

I've literally never heard of a man leaving without there being someone else. Even though they ALL swear blind that there isn't.

Either way it's over and you need to do what's right for you and your children.

Well hes going nowhere for a while he says but if he starts not coming home I'll know i guess.

How often is he “going to the gym?” Could he have had his head turned by a woman at work?

I’m sorry OP, but if he’s checked out and leaving then start to make your own plans - don’t wait for him to dictate everything.

Also, stop doing his washing, cooking, planning stuff for him etc.

Also, maybe get some external support, tell family members, legal advice about and possibly therapy for yourself. I know you said people in Ireland don’t do therapy but that’s not true - I used to work in a therapy centre and we had a waiting list.

Get all the support you can, he’s had months to plan this.

"He says there's noone else but there are "a million" people he likes more than me right now"

What an absolutely horrible thing to say.

I'm so sorry OP, it really is over isn't it? There's no coming back from that. Might I suggest you start taking copies of as much paperwork as you possibly can, bank statements, insurance policies, pensions, the lot as he might soon start hiding things from you. Do you have separate bank accounts or joint? Who pays which utility bills? Time to get your ducks in a row. Then when he finally decides to leave, you can tell him to shut the door on his way out.