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Original poster

What has happened to my marriage?

31 replies

PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:23

So both DH and myself turned 40 this year. We are married 14 years, together 20 and have 2 kids (12&9). We used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great. But in the last month or 2 it's just stopped. Not sure what happened but I was quite busy with work and a couple of other things and somewhere along the line it's like we've turned into 2 housemates. Very little chat, no affection, he doesn't come to bed much any more as he'd rather sleep on the sofa. He came to bed last night and I know he wanted to do the deed but with very little foreplay so I shut it down. I don't find myself attracted to him anymore even though he is still very good looking. We don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money.

So I'm not sure whats going on? I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested. He's never been very emotionally available but has gotten a lot worse in the last while. I'm just a bit sad and lonely to be honest. Anyone have advice?

OP posts:
swiveleyedtransphobe · 19/07/2025 15:29

another woman?

Original poster
PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:32

swiveleyedtransphobe · 19/07/2025 15:29

another woman?

I don't think so. His routine hasn't changed and is home when he's supposed to be. He's here right now building furniture for the kids.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 19/07/2025 15:33

It's very strange it's so sudden if there's no one else involved

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 19/07/2025 15:35

Can you go for a meal - or even just a drink - and talk about what it was like when you first met? The people you knew, etc. So nothing heavy and no blame. I find that we reminisce and end up laughing, which leads to feeling closer and makes it easier to then talk about the other stuff
Maybe then you'd get to the nitty gritty of what's going on. Has he said why he likes sleeping on the sofa?

WaxingGibbon · 19/07/2025 15:38

I’m confused. You “used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great”. But also “he’s never been very emotionally available”.

confusion aside, my advice is - ask him what’s going on

Original poster
PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:46

WaxingGibbon · 19/07/2025 15:38

I’m confused. You “used to laugh a lot together, get on well and would have had a very touchy feely relationship at home. Said I love you every day. Had a very good sex life even when things weren't going great”. But also “he’s never been very emotionally available”.

confusion aside, my advice is - ask him what’s going on

Yes I get the confusion. He's never been one to talk about feelings etc but wouldn't have been so closed off to me. In saying that he's very hard to read at times. We would be very different types of people. I'd be outgoing and social and he's not. It's hard to explain correctly I suppose.

OP posts:
OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 15:47

Sometimes turning a milestone age, like 40, can make people reassess their life. I know I’ve done it at 25 and 30.

You say you were busy with work and other things. Maybe that was more significant than you realised.

I have known male friends find comfort in other women via their phones without physically cheating at first so I wouldn’t completely rule out there being somebody else.

Original poster
PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:50

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 19/07/2025 15:35

Can you go for a meal - or even just a drink - and talk about what it was like when you first met? The people you knew, etc. So nothing heavy and no blame. I find that we reminisce and end up laughing, which leads to feeling closer and makes it easier to then talk about the other stuff
Maybe then you'd get to the nitty gritty of what's going on. Has he said why he likes sleeping on the sofa?

Yes we could go but he doesn't have any interest in going anywhere with me. It was our wedding anniversary last week and we did nothing for it. No mention of it bar exchanged cards that morning. We would usually do something together but nothing at all this year.

The sofa thing has become a dirty habit the last 6 months or more. He'd just fall asleep there at night time. Then I started getting up early 3 mornings a week so he said I'd wake him and he'd rather sleep there. And now he rarely comes to bed. Well maybe twice a week but it's only because he wants his bit. I'm not in the mood at all at the moment as I almost feel like it's having s*x with a stranger as I'm not into it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:53

OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 15:47

Sometimes turning a milestone age, like 40, can make people reassess their life. I know I’ve done it at 25 and 30.

You say you were busy with work and other things. Maybe that was more significant than you realised.

I have known male friends find comfort in other women via their phones without physically cheating at first so I wouldn’t completely rule out there being somebody else.

He does spend a lot of time on his phone when he's home. But I wouldnt suspect anything. I spend too much time on mine also. But who knows what he's looking at.

OP posts:
Anna20MFG · 19/07/2025 15:59

Male menopause is a thing, with a testosterone dip. I would have a chat with him in a open undefensive way and just saying what you've noticed, how you're feeling about your sex life, and see where it goes.

OfficerChurlish · 19/07/2025 16:07

I tried to talk to him last week and he made a comment that told me he wasn't interested.

I think you have to push him, and you may have to do it firmly, to have a real honest discussion about what's wrong. In private, and when you won't be interrupted, even if that can only be while the children are asleep. Don't blame him, approach it as a problem the two of you need to solve together. Let him choose the time if necessary, but don't let him keep putting it off. If he actually says that he won't or can't have this conversation, then I doubt there's much hope for change and unfortunately you'll probably have to decide if you want to live like this long-term or not.

And don't let sex be a red herring; he's obviously separated having sex from being a loving, reciprocal, communicative partner so make it clear that's not what you're talking about when you say that the relationship's gone wrong. And perhaps stop having sex with him when you don't want to; you may be an exception but most people would start to feel terrible (and justifiably resentful) about this over time.

Reidwood · 19/07/2025 17:45

There is underlying issue with DH, you must find time to really talk openly no matter what might be said. You are a woman who loves him finds him attractive and wants to feel the intimacy you previous shared again, don’t be judgmental, find a way fwd

ramonaquimby · 19/07/2025 23:07

Anna20MFG · 19/07/2025 15:59

Male menopause is a thing, with a testosterone dip. I would have a chat with him in a open undefensive way and just saying what you've noticed, how you're feeling about your sex life, and see where it goes.

words matter!
men don't have periods and certainly don't experience a menopause.

men may experience other things but please don't call it a 'male menopause'.
Duckie had some good advice

LadyLolaRuben · 19/07/2025 23:13

He's not interested. Sleeps on sofa. On his phone a lot. Something or someone has his attention instead...

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 19/07/2025 23:15

I’m sorry OP but my money is on him having his head turned by someone. I’d be wondering who he’s messaging.

Coffeislife · 19/07/2025 23:30

You don't go into the living room before leaving in the morning,?

ladycarlotta · 20/07/2025 07:02

PrincessCalley · 19/07/2025 15:50

Yes we could go but he doesn't have any interest in going anywhere with me. It was our wedding anniversary last week and we did nothing for it. No mention of it bar exchanged cards that morning. We would usually do something together but nothing at all this year.

The sofa thing has become a dirty habit the last 6 months or more. He'd just fall asleep there at night time. Then I started getting up early 3 mornings a week so he said I'd wake him and he'd rather sleep there. And now he rarely comes to bed. Well maybe twice a week but it's only because he wants his bit. I'm not in the mood at all at the moment as I almost feel like it's having s*x with a stranger as I'm not into it at all.

Show quote history

Some drip feed here! This isn't a "last month or two" issue, he's been doing a slow fade for 6 months plus. It sounds like his head is not in the relationship right now - you can feel the difference. Might or might not be an affair,. Unfortunately the fact he's disinvested from the relationship will mean he won't be interested in sharing his feelings or having crisis talks, which is really hard on you as you simply won't get answers. You're going to need to give him some kind of ultimatum I think and you still may not get close to an actual frank conversation.

Walkden · 20/07/2025 07:08

*don't really spend any time together without our kids, but that's his choice as any time I would say id like to go away even for a night he'd complain about money."

Is he having issues at work?

healthybychristmas · 20/07/2025 07:08

I'm afraid this has all the hallmarks of another woman. Remember that if the other woman is married she will be limited in when she can talk to him as well. Is there anyway you can tell whether he's online when he's on the sofa at night? Being suddenly detached from your partner is one of the biggest signals that someone else is involved. It doesn't have to be someone he sees physically all the time.

Original poster
PrincessCalley · 01/08/2025 18:18

Hi all,

Thanks for all the replies. So quick update here. I was away for 10 days with our kids and the night before we left i was awake all night so I wrote down how I was feeling and what I'd noticed. I left it for him and the reaction I got was nothing. He mentioned I'd left him an "essay" but that was it really. Got home yesterday and last night we both were in bed and had some idle chit chat but no attempt of affection at all. He's away with friends tonight and I've hardly heard from him all day. So I've no idea what's going on but I'm very confused.

OP posts:
Captainofmyship · 14/08/2025 20:06

How are things now?

Frostywinterwoods · 14/08/2025 21:52

I was going to suggest a note to him, thinking maybe he not aware and just maybe he feeling down. But his reaction is screaming red alert to me! I feel he is seeing you as nuisance , burden than someone he loves, cares for and has compassion for . I'm Really sorry to hear this😟💔 it's not sounding good at all. I'm not an expert at all, but want to send my love and best wishes to you.

Frostywinterwoods · 14/08/2025 22:04

I think you need to know the truth, you need to find out someway, trust me you can't go on like this. It will eat away at you, you will dismiss it ,if he says does the right things, but then the behaviour will come back. Not saying he is stringing you along, but this is out of order. It's not fair on you, you don't deserve this

OchreRaven · 14/08/2025 22:48

You have three options.

  1. Live like this and accept he has no intention of changing. Possibly prepare for him to leave (potentially for another woman)
  2. Tell him you want to separate and you can reassess after therapy if he is proactive about working on things.
  3. check his phone and see if his head has been turned.
Original poster
PrincessCalley · 15/08/2025 09:25

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments. Things haven't changed at all. Still the same. We are getting on okay. Minimal conversation in the evenings but no real interactions. Just going through the motions as such. We've a wedding tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about it as I'm planning on having a few drinks and I know things tend to come out when that happens so I need to take it easy. But aside from that I'm just focusing on the kids. They are happy and don't notice anything different so that's all that matters at the moment. Part of me has given up also but I find myself being jealous of my friends relationships with their husbands when I see pics of them away as couples and enjoying each other's company but other than that nothing has changed.

OP posts:
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