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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from OH?

58 replies

RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:04

Hello,

I had my first baby a couple of months ago. OH 2nd child. We are married almost 4 years. Both really wanted this baby.

However, I feel I am doing the majority of the parenting and find myself crying alot. My baby is very good. However it would be nice if my OH said why don't ya head out for a walk or get out on your own for an hour every so often. OH works full time and I mind the baby. Maybe twice a month I will go out with a friend for an afternoon or a meal out which I arrange well in advice. Outside that I feel I do a lot but they are very good helping with house work washing bottles etc.
I love my baby and enjoying being a mother. I just dont like how my OH is treating me and find myself resenting him for all the free time he has to himself.
Am I overreacting and being hormonal after having a baby? I have no one else to talk to about this and feel very alone :(

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 19/07/2025 12:10

Why don’t all 3 of you go out? What baby club have you joined? Talk to a Health Visitor about how you feel. I cannot say I wanted to go for a walk without baby and DH wouldn’t have thought I did. He’s not really joining in with baby bringing up if he just continues his free time activities. You will have to have a chat about this because he’s neglecting your needs and should be thinking about the needs of his family, not just himself.

Hodgemollar · 19/07/2025 12:13

I would say going out for a meal every other week with friends when you have a 4 month old is pretty good levels of socialising to be honest.
If you want time for yourself just take it. I’m sure you’re not begging him to go out by himself so he’s not going to beg you.
Whenever he gets back from work take an hour for yourself each evening.

Coconutter24 · 19/07/2025 12:13

find myself resenting him for all the free time he has to himself.

What does he do in his free time and how much free time does he get?

TheFlis · 19/07/2025 12:16

Why does he need to suggest it? If you want to go out for a walk why can’t you just tell him that?

Yellowbirdcage · 19/07/2025 12:19

Baby is 8 weeks? That’s brand new. Most first time mothers are exhausted at this stage. It is relentless.
When you say he has free time do you mean when he’s at work?
Realistically your life has changed massively and you’ll get more used to it. But yes of course he should be supporting you. Not enough context really. Are you going to say he’s at the gym every night or playing video games?

R0ckandHardPlace · 19/07/2025 12:19

I’m older now but looking back I can remember feeling similar resentments towards my exH. But I also martyred myself and didn’t make any demands, I thought that he should just notice and offer (which would have been lovely but possibly not realistic).

Have you told him that you wanted to go for a walk? How did he react?

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2025 12:20

I would say an afternoon out with friends every other week is pretty good going with a 2 month old baby to be honest.

It’s not clear really what it is you’re unhappy about with the way he is treating you- how is he treating you? Is it that he is out at hobbies every night of the week? Out on the drink all day every weekend? I’m not sure I understand what the issue is, he’s working full time while you are on maternity so yes you are doing the majority of the parenting, is he not doing his share outside of work?

Original poster
RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:22

I am not on about socialising at all at weekends etc. My point seems to be missed.

OP posts:
Brokenforsummer · 19/07/2025 12:23

I would also say that is a good amount of going out but you day OH is getting a lot more free time. What does that look like?

Is he pulling his weight or just helping out with parenting and housework?

Original poster
RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:24

Baby is almost 6 months

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 19/07/2025 12:26

@RoseHiker I’d start seeing friends then. With baby. I never went out socialising at weekends with friends on my own. You sound like you miss your former life and your baby is getting in the way a bit. Organise a day out with DP and baby. That’s what we did. I didn’t go clubbing with mates!

Snorlaxo · 19/07/2025 12:26

Does he have free time on weekdays then?

If there’s specific things that he can do (or stop doing) to make the situation better then you should tell him. This may be his second child but the dynamics of how he behaved with baby 1 will affect how he’s doing now. If you need him to do something differently then you should say.

It is relentless and exhausting at this stage and many men will not realise because they think that being on maternity leave will make up for this and many women will end up being martyrs because they think that’s the way mothers should be. The first year or baby’s life is often so difficult for couples and I have lots of sympathy

pinkglitter12 · 19/07/2025 12:27

Have you told him how you feel?

notthatoldchestnut · 19/07/2025 12:28

Op - kindly, because I’ve been there too…
“should” never happened. Tell him what you need.

jf you need an hour/afternoon to yourself every day/week/month/whatever then do it. You have no requirement to ask his permission for this to happen, and simmering that he hasn’t read your mind and suggested what you may or may not need is just a fools game.

i used to wait til my DH came home and then went and did the food shopping. Because I enjoyed wandering around the supermarket without being constantly hassled by kids.

sometimes you have to take the sanity in the moments you can.

Original poster
RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:28

When did I mention i went clubbing 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 its been many years since I went clubbing. I am not talking about socialising at all here. I am talking about it would be nice if OH took the baby out for a walk instead of it always being me. I suggested we all go for a walk but he is too tired he said after work so I end up sometimes going with baby and dog.

People thinking I am out clubbing every weekend hilarious 😂

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 19/07/2025 12:28

You know your h best but maybe he thinks you’d speak up if you wanted to go out for a walk or go out ? Some people would take the suggestion as an attempt to get rid of them.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2025 12:30

I think people are confused OP because you haven’t actually been clear about what the problem is.

What free time does he get? Is he not doing his fair share of house/parenting etc after work?

Hodgemollar · 19/07/2025 12:30

But if he’s too tired for a wall and you also want to feel like you have more space why don’t you leave the baby and take the dog for a walk?

TizerorFizz · 19/07/2025 12:31

@RoseHiker That was an example! Just go out hiking with baby then! Hardly that difficult. I’m not sure what you are asking. Go out with baby. Go out with DP and baby. Dump baby on him. Say you are going.

Original poster
RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:33

@snorlaxo thank you.
I just guess I miss the old us as a couple. We never use to fight and I just dont think he understands how busy a baby is all day. Example I said I needed a shower this morning I got up with baby as he wasn't feeling well. However he jumped in the shower and I still haven't had the chance and it's the weekend.
I suppose men aren't mind readers and I will need to talk to him. I find myself comparing myself to other new mothers who say their partners are wonderful and take the baby every evening (wondering if it's lies or true? )

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 19/07/2025 12:33

At a couple months old if you are breastfeeding the baby is pretty much tied to you the vast majority of the time, though he could have the baby while you are together so you can shower, nap or whatever. Also I do think your hormones are still on a rollercoaster. I know I was (in hindsight) depressed after my second. I guess thinking my life was now well and truly subservient to caring for these babies. I was no longer Monday but X’s and Y’s mum. And it was overwhelming- second baby was much giddier than my first, having a toddler and baby is much more than twice the work, my DH still went to the gym every morning at 6am then the office and I just thought of the long day if drudgery before me…
I did get out almost every day. I had joined a post natal group when my first was three weeks and as I had a section and couldn’t drive went for long walks. This probably saved me from going mad.
Give yourself time to settle but also discuss with your partner how you feel (and a professional if you feel you may be depressed). Doing things as a family with his full engagement will be better for his bond with his kids in the long run too.

Edenmum2 · 19/07/2025 12:34

RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:24

Baby is almost 6 months

But you said in your OP you had them a couple of months ago?

Original poster
RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:35

People can make mistakes

OP posts:
LuckyMoonstone · 19/07/2025 12:40

It’s difficult to give you the advice you’re looking for when you’re not being very clear where the issues lie, and you’re being very cagey with your responses.
You go out with friends a few times a month, that’s great. What does DH do with all this free time you say he has? Works full time, helps around the house, then what? Goes to the pub, watches telly, plays football, what is he doing with all his free time that you resent?
When do you want to go out by yourself, when he’s home from work in the evening? So do it, say I’m popping out can you give baby bottle/bath/playtime etc while I’m gone. Is he controlling and not letting you leave the house? Does he disappear the second he’s home from work so you can’t find him?
I’m not really sure what you’re trying to do.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2025 12:40

My daughter is 15 months old now, currently pregnant with our second baby, and although I’d never say any relationship is perfect I would say my husband & I have managed to get the balance as close to perfect as we could expect it to be and that has all come down to communicating, listening to each other & taking care of each other really. If you don’t feel that the way things are currently balanced is fair then you need to have that chat, but be prepared to listen as well as speak.

I remember when our daughter was tiny thinking how lucky my husband was getting to go to work and sit down all day and have a break, that wasn’t fair of me. Equally my husband sometimes probably thought how lucky I was to stay in my PJ’s and chill at home all day with baby, that wasn’t fair of him. The only way to be fair is to look at the time available OUTSIDE of working hours/mama hours, and divide that fairly. So my husband would take our daughter on an evening so that I could have a relaxing hour of peace in the bath or just laying in bed, I would take her for an hour so he could have that time to decompress after work, relax, watch TV etc, and we also do things together. Do you not have that kind of set up? If not, it’d a chat for you to have.

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