Am I expecting too much from OH?

[RoseHiker]

Hello,

I had my first baby a couple of months ago. OH 2nd child. We are married almost 4 years. Both really wanted this baby.

However, I feel I am doing the majority of the parenting and find myself crying alot. My baby is very good. However it would be nice if my OH said why don't ya head out for a walk or get out on your own for an hour every so often. OH works full time and I mind the baby. Maybe twice a month I will go out with a friend for an afternoon or a meal out which I arrange well in advice. Outside that I feel I do a lot but they are very good helping with house work washing bottles etc.
I love my baby and enjoying being a mother. I just dont like how my OH is treating me and find myself resenting him for all the free time he has to himself.
Am I overreacting and being hormonal after having a baby? I have no one else to talk to about this and feel very alone :(

You really need a proper chat with him about expectations and free time etc. Without bringing resentment into it & avoiding comparisons of who has it harder/who is more tired. Try to come to an agreement with him & stick to it. Good luck.

Take the baby where every evening?

I doubt this is true. If it is it doesn't sound reasonable. I'm very in favour of men pulling more weight but why should he work all day and then "take the baby every evening" while you only work in the day (looking after the baby) and get every evening off?

As others have said, if you want more alone time just tell him.

Split the childcare work in the evenings and on weekends. You both need to have the same amount of free time. Non negotiable.

What is your point then? You haven't answered relevant questions and you're being incredibly vague.

@user2025meow good idea. I had suggested it before but said he works so I should be doing a bit more.

Maybe I just have to face facts that the mother does majority of parenting even during evenings and weekends. I always presumed it would be 50/50

@user2025meow good idea. I had suggested it before but said he works so I should be doing a bit more.

Maybe I just have to face facts that the mother does majority of parenting even during evenings and weekends. I always presumed it would be 50/50

@FrodoBiggins to family or maybe out for a walk i dont know. Sounds BS. I have tried talking to him before maybe I need to do sit down with him again.
He has stated your such a good mother that I have everything under control and will do majority

@ginasevern did you read my replies

@topjoe19 I agree a good chat is needed. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not going insane and for being kind

@topjoe19 I agree a good chat is needed. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not going insane

@Mrsttcno1 Hi outside of work hours and mama hours i do the majority with our baby.

Yes I have told him I need time to myself and sometimes I cry and he would make fun of me saying I'm playing the victim and it's my job to mind the baby

Let me guess. When his other child comes to your house, do you do all the childcare for them as well?

Sorry, but that sounds unkind, OP. Does he actually WANT to be with his child? Or just for the nice bits, the smiles & cuddles?
"You're such a good mother, you have everything under control and will do majority"; "He said he works so I should be doing a bit more." This is just old-fashioned sexism. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this after your first child. Seeing as it's his second, you might hope he would be more clued-up. He might just be scared, though. That he doesn't know what to do; that his man-life is under threat. Of course it is, that goes with the territory, and you'd think he'd know that. He sounds like he's trying to avoid reality - and he's doing it at the cost of his relationship with his own child.

How actively does he parent has older child? Of course parenting should be equal on the weekends.

You need to communicate your wants and needs OP...to your husband. very clearly.

If you would like a shower, you hand over baby and say "I'm going for a shower" do you honestly wait until hes offered to take the baby or something? Why aren't you being more pro active?

He's vile, making fun of you when you cry? Don't put up with that bullying shit.

We get what we settle for, OP.

If you want 50/50, then you need to say that's what you want, not wait to see if he does it. He's obviously not going to offer, he sees all the parenting as your job by the sound of it. So you're going to have to be very clear with him about what you want. Did you talk about how parenting would be shared before you had the baby?

Also think hard about your position if you were to split up - are you married? If not you're very vulnerable, he doesn't sound like a respectful partner.

I think part of your issue is maybe communication? I get you but because I've been there and I'm reading between the lines. But it feels like loads on here aren't getting it.
It's really frustrating that your OH doesn't get as impacted by having a baby as mums do. It's hard to accept. And suddenly you're taking on so much more of the house and additional responsibility of a baby and he doesn't notice. But you need to help him in this- he's not on mat leave so he doesn't have the same experience as you and you need to help bring him up to speed. Things like "I think we should take turns minding the baby on Saturday morning so we both get a lie in", taking turns doing meals- or at least a conversation about who's doing breakfast. Start narrating your tasks- "will I get the bag ready to go out?" Because if you start taking on everything silently he won't know the extra bits you're taking up. "I'm going to do some batch cooking today so will you play with Bebe or take him for a walk?"

personally I wouldn't have a massive chat, I'd just start gradually doing it. Ask him to do more, but specific things, and eventually it's turns into "have you done the bag or will I" instead of asking him to do the bag.

We're fairly 50/50 when dh is home from work, but that's because I often leave him to it. But realistically you won't be good at packing a change bag until you've arrived in a shopping centre a realise you're out of wipes because you forgot to check the bag before you left etc.

Also - a good argument for "I work you should do more" is if this doesn't count as work then why aren't you doing it too?" It doesn't make sense that childcare doesn't count as work.... but then he can't do it at the weekend because it's work? Make that make sense? If it's so easy then it's not a big ask.

Yes.
"OH works full time and I mind the baby."
Why are you crying?

This with bells on:

“Livelaughlurgy · Today 12:29

Also - a good argument for "I work you should do more" is if this doesn't count as work then why aren't you doing it too?" It doesn't make sense that childcare doesn't count as work.... but then he can't do it at the weekend because it's work? Make that make sense? If it's so easy then it's not a big ask.”

Looking after a baby/young child while they’re awake is work. That why professional childcarers are paid.

You and your DH are both working. In fact, there are likely ways in which you’re working harder than him right now. So when he’s home, childcare should be split fairly evenly between you. How else does he expect to bond with your shared child?

He’s doing that thing that so many men do which is instinctively valuing your work as worth less because it’s something that, arguably, women are better at (particularly in the early days).

Don’t expect men to mind read. They’re not wired to anticipate needs and I’m not sure they guess well anyway (thinking of the sexy lingerie birthday present, for example…).

Speaking very generally, women are much better attuned to reading signals. Also, society has over the millennia taught men that they can ask for what they want, whilst women must hint and hope their needs are guessed. Men don’t know this and generally assume we will ask for what we want, like they to.

Times are changing, thank goodness, and it’s better if you are direct about your expectations and requirements.

There's your problem. You presumed.

Generally this is the sort of thing that's talked about before bringing the baby into the world, or at least once the newborn phase has settled down. As far as I can tell from your posts you haven't actually had a single discussion with him about what parenting together would look like. You've just presumed a lot and are now resenting him for not living up to the expectations he didn't know you have.

Bet those women whose partners take the baby every evening talk to their partners.

How much do you do together with the baby? Does he enjoy spending time with the baby when he's not working? Are they bonded?

You need to sit down and have a conversation it’s as simple as that.

Your job as a stay at home parent should be the same hours as his job is. Then when he finishes work, so do you and then you are both just parents working together to raise your child.

He doesn’t get to excuse himself of every parental responsibility just because you’re not currently in a job that’s out of the house.

You need to be direct and clear that he needs to pick up some responsibilities and you should both also be getting time alone to do what you wish. Exercise, see friends etc.