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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from OH?

58 replies

RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 12:04

Hello,

I had my first baby a couple of months ago. OH 2nd child. We are married almost 4 years. Both really wanted this baby.

However, I feel I am doing the majority of the parenting and find myself crying alot. My baby is very good. However it would be nice if my OH said why don't ya head out for a walk or get out on your own for an hour every so often. OH works full time and I mind the baby. Maybe twice a month I will go out with a friend for an afternoon or a meal out which I arrange well in advice. Outside that I feel I do a lot but they are very good helping with house work washing bottles etc.
I love my baby and enjoying being a mother. I just dont like how my OH is treating me and find myself resenting him for all the free time he has to himself.
Am I overreacting and being hormonal after having a baby? I have no one else to talk to about this and feel very alone :(

OP posts:

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 13:00

JudgeBread · 20/07/2025 12:56

There's your problem. You presumed.

Generally this is the sort of thing that's talked about before bringing the baby into the world, or at least once the newborn phase has settled down. As far as I can tell from your posts you haven't actually had a single discussion with him about what parenting together would look like. You've just presumed a lot and are now resenting him for not living up to the expectations he didn't know you have.

Bet those women whose partners take the baby every evening talk to their partners.

Show quote history

What exactly do you think ‘I have suggested it before’ means? That’s not some post deep in the thread you might have missed even though it’s the ops and it’s really easy to read all the ops posts, it’s literally in the post you’ve quoted. Did you think it meant she went into the closet and talked to the wall while he was out of the house at work? Because every single other person reading it thought it meant she spoke to him.

JudgeBread · 20/07/2025 13:05

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 13:00

Show quote history

Lmao who pissed in your cornflakes this morning? Relax, breathe, don't take things so personally, you'll give yourself a hernia.

I'm talking about the fact that she's made a lot of presumptions about how parenting would go with this guy prior to actually having the baby. She's presumed parenting would be 50/50, she presumed he'd do this and that. She's made one suggestion and he's rebuffed it and that it? Shoulder shrug and "I guess this is just how it is"? That's not how healthy communication works in a long term relationship, she needs to really hash this out with him not just make vague suggestions then accept his word as gospel.

OpheliaNightingale · 20/07/2025 16:53

@RoseHikeryou should each have equal downtime. Looking after a baby was the hardest job I ever had. I went back to work for a break! Your partner sounds borderline abusive. And no it’s not your job to communicate to him that he needs to do his fair share of parenting! That’s a given.

Withyouinamo · 21/07/2025 01:41

Livelaughlurgy · 20/07/2025 12:29

Also - a good argument for "I work you should do more" is if this doesn't count as work then why aren't you doing it too?" It doesn't make sense that childcare doesn't count as work.... but then he can't do it at the weekend because it's work? Make that make sense? If it's so easy then it's not a big ask.

Exactly this.

babyproblems · 21/07/2025 01:48

He can take the baby a bit each day tired or not. It’s called being a parent.
Give him the baby; go out for a walk or sit in the bath.
if you find yourself feeling down, talk to someone in real life. Do you have any childcare options eg family or babysitter? I’d say find one who you can call on for an hour a week so you get even just that time for yourself. An hour would be fine for baby I’d think and a chance to see another face. I found 6-9 m the hardest.. I was so so tired by then. I had no help. Baby started nursery at 9 months and it was such a relief for me! x

Guavafish1 · 21/07/2025 01:56

My ex was like this… useless. If it was not for my parents… I don’t know what I would have done.

its actually easier to be at work than mind a baby all day alone.

Dont let your husband get away with I’m tired because of work nonsense.

just tell him every Saturday.. you’ll go to the gym, swim or walk for 2 hours… then slowly increase it to 3, the 4. Then include Sundays.

You need time and he playing the useless man card.

Noshadelamp · 21/07/2025 01:58

RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 13:20

Yes I have told him I need time to myself and sometimes I cry and he would make fun of me saying I'm playing the victim and it's my job to mind the baby

This is so sad. Why does he make fun of you?

It's not your job to mind the baby 24/7!

He doesn't sound very nice or understanding and I'm guessing that is why you're not communicating clearly with him and seem afraid to directly ask him for whay you need.

I would start by telling him what you want, don't even ask. "This is how it is, this is your child and we're going to take it in turns to do bedtime routine."

The baby needs to get used to him spending time with them.

As for things like a shower on the weekend, that is where you need to be direct
"I'm going for a shower in ten mins, and washing my hair/tan/eyebrow tint etd, here's the baby,, I'll be about an hour so you might want to get the pram ready"

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2025 02:26

RoseHiker · 19/07/2025 13:10

@user2025meow good idea. I had suggested it before but said he works so I should be doing a bit more.

Maybe I just have to face facts that the mother does majority of parenting even during evenings and weekends. I always presumed it would be 50/50

Either parenting is easy, in which case it’s easy for him to do when he’s off work. Or it’s hard, in which case he needs to do half because you are working as hard as him all the time.

I suspect you, as so so many women do, are discovering that he was a shit dad the first time and intends to be a shit one this time. The story they tell about the other mother is often utter bollocks.

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