Strained relationship with my mum after having a baby

[BeGreenSwan]

I would like some advice as there aren't many people I can talk to about this. I can't give my whole life story but I will give as much details as possible.

I'm a 27 year old SAHM, happily married and have a 21 month old. My mum lives a few hours away, she helps look after my daughter a few times a month for a few hours and has helped cook a lot of postpartum meals, I am grateful.

My relationship with my mum before motherhood: Very positive, close, she called us 'besties', she was very upset when I moved to uni but we continued to have almost daily hourly phone calls. There were some red flags... such as pushing me towards certain careers she perceived as 'higher status' , a lot of our calls where quite gossipy. Otherwise, everyone would say we were close.

I've always wanted to be a mum. My mum really pushed me to get pregnant months after marriage, she really wanted to be a grandma. She told me motherhood was easy after 1 year and everything would be okay. She said I would not have career issues. I know this goes against the cultural narrative about motherhood but I've come to realise that before I had a daughter, I didn't have many friends so i took my mums word for anything.

Reasons for out strained relationship:

1. She has made a lot of comments about my body during pregnany and postpartum. She has asked if my husband still finds me attractive postpartum. She has said I've lost my beauty. Straight after birth she commented on my stretch marks and looked in shock and horror. I am a slim size 6-8 but obviously my body has changed after having a baby even if I am slim.
2. After my daughter was born, we had to go back to hospital, I was so tired and was tearful in the car. She angrily told me to stop crying and I was being sensitive. She said she also was in hospital for days after I was born. I'm guessing she was harsh because she was tired as well?
3. We have different parenting styles. I breastfeed, limit screens... she finds this strange. When I was a child I watched a lot of TV. To this day my mother still prefers using her phone instead of interacting with my daughter.
4. I'm not sure I want a second child as I have found motherhood challenging. I think this annoys my mum even though she was supportive at first. She mentions how her colleagues daughter will be having a second.
5. She pushed for her family to visit postpartum even though I was very sleep deprived and emotional. She mentions how I have social anxiety for not wanting several visitors.

Those are the main points.

A few months ago something major happened...

I told her about a career plan that I have in the future. She wasn't pleased, she said the salary was too low and asked what my in laws would think. I was so hurt.
After this event I decided to stop giving her too many details about my life, she's noticed and she's so cold with me now.

How do I navigate our relationship?
I see her often as she wants to see he granddaughter of course.

Sometimes when we become mothers it really brings into context different values and parenting styles.
It sounds like your mum has strong opinions about a lot of things and you're increasingly realising that yours are different.
Have confidence in yourself - you can still love your mum and have a close relationship but be different. You may have to tell her a bit less if you don't want to open yourself up for judgement and criticism, but have some appropriate push backs ready if she says things you disagree with.
This is your time to be the wife and mother you want to be.

OP this isn’t unusual but there is a definite taboo about talking about parents who are this vapid and unloving and the harm they do. I would slowly, slowly freeze her out. She is what she is and going along to get along will get really stifling for you. These parents don’t mature. They’re still in the playground.

She’s likely always been cold and critical and up till now you’ve regarded this from her as normal. But you would never treat your child like you have been by your mother.

Where’s your dad here?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Your mother calling you her bestie when you are her daughter and being unduly upset when you went to uni are two further red flags that cannot be minimised.

She wants to keep you totally dependent emotionally on her. She’s one of the causes of you having no friends, it’s all about her and what she wants of you. I would read around the subject if narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of this relates to her. She wants to dine out on your life and make your successes all about her. Whatever the root cause it’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. What if anything do you know about her childhood as that can give clues.

A further red flag is her apparent fixation on your body like she regards that as competition. Her comments to your h were completely unacceptable, how did he respond?.

Thsnkfully you live miles away from her. Now you need mental distance from her too. If your in-laws and nice and importantly are emotionally healthy then I would further adopt a relationship with them.

I would also keep her well away from your child. She was not a good parent to you growing up and she has not changed since.

I would read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I would also put her on an information diet and tell her NOTHING of note about your life because she will and indeed has turned it around.

Thanks for the response.

My dad is very toxic and abusive towards me as a teenager and even to my mum. He and my mum are close ... yet hate each other in a bizarre away. I don't talk to him unless I have to.

You're right... I used to see her as angelic, but when I was being groomed by an older man as a teen and getting bullied at school she didn't care ...

My husband responded by saying that I'm beautiful. I have a skin problem and she asked me personally if my husband still loves me... its so hurtful.

That's the thing... I know she's toxic but I don't feel like I can distance myself from her. She wants to see her grandchild (even though she's more interested in her phone when she visits) ... I just want tips on boundaries

I don;'t feel comfortable around her though, I get anxious talking to her as she just insults me. This never happened before I became a mum

She sounds very self-centred and immature. The things she said about your post-partum body were dreadful. She's supposed to be a loving mum, not a bitchy mean girl.

I would stop seeing her so often. She may want to see her grandaughter, but if she doesn't treat her own daughter with kindness and respect, her actions will have consequences and you won't enjoy her company.

She really does think that you having a “low” salary looks bad on her and that is primarily why she objected. it’s all about her and how your achievements reflect back onto her.

You’re all bit part players in her universe with she being in the center of it. She wants you to be what she expects you to be (you have no say) so she can bask in your achievements and take all the credit for doing so.

Again I urge you to keep your child well away from her as she is not emotionally healthy or emotionally safe enough for you to be with, let alone your child.

You must realise that a normal loving mum wouldn't make you feel like this. Stop seeing her and tell her why. She isn't a good influence or role model for your daughter.

She was a crap mum to you when you were a teenager by not taking any action when you were bullied and groomed by an older man and she is even worse now. You've got it in your head that somehow she is a good mum when the opposite is true. She's horrible.

She will ignore any boundary you care to set her, these types of dysfunctional people hate boundaries. She’s also likely encouraged you over the years not to have many if any either.

Your mother remains with your abusive father for her own reasons, none of which are anything to do with you. Their relationship is a codependent and dysfunctional one. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so the men in their lives are often as abusive as they are or are otherwise discarded.

Deal with any and all feelings of fear obligation and guilt through therapy. Is this why you feel you cannot distance yourself from her? Have a read of the Out of the Fog website.

You are now your own person and have a family of your own. Before that you lived with them and had no choice.

You do not need your mothers approval here, not that she’d ever give this to you freely anyway.

What does your husband think of your mother and her behaviour?

Your story reminds me of the film, Black Swan, about an enmeshed mother/ daughter relationship and how the mother sabotages her daughter as she gets older.

Sounds like you need to extract yourself from her clutches somehow.

Absolutely: as always, Attila nails it.

Thanks for your responses! Very helpful.

My husband does not agree with how she has treated me. When I stopped calling her as much he supported me.

However, my mum is very helpful.., she cooks a lot of meals to help us out. So in one way she can be mean but has been very helpful postpartum.

Her helpfulness makes it hard for us to distance from her as others won't understand and we feel guilt as she's been very kind in some ways

My relationship with my mum also changed when I had children, and I suddenly realised what a narcissist she is. I think you should go to therapy so that you can think about and process all of this, and then decide how to move forward.

She sounds a bit jealous and undermining. Your husband and baby are your priorities now and she probably feels a loss of her power. Get her out of your head. Enjoy that baby!

She cooking you a few meals does in no way make up for the fact that she’s treated you and will continue to treat you very badly. When she has been with your child she has spent most of the time on her phone. Narcissistic people tend to over value or under value the relationship they have with the grandchildren. She is not a good grandmother to your child because she is not a good mother to you.

Thankfully you have your DHs support here, you will continue to need this.

Find it within you to further distance yourself mentally from your mother. Think about getting therapy.

Do you think your mother feels guilty as to how you’ve been treated by her- not a bit of it. She installed the guilt button in you along with the fear and obligation and it needs to be pulled out.

If you ordered food from Hello Fresh or Deliveroo and every time the delivery guy told you that you looked fat, would you think that was OK? Even if you had a voucher and it was all free? I doubt it.

I'd rather cook my own food than have meals made for me by someone that thinks it's OK to mock and insult me. Your mum is setting the narrative of being a great mum and grandmother when she is actually a mean and abusive nightmare. You dread being in her company, so stop seeing her.

I think the only thing you can do is put some distance between you. You shouldn't put up with her hurtful comments and if she asks you should tell her that she has been very hurtful and you feel she's undermining you and trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Is she jealous of your happy life with your DH? It sounds like her own marriage is quite dysfunctional. I would also be concerned about how she will interact with your daughter growing up - you don't want her making personal comments about your daughter's appearance.

This sounds very much like enmeshment. I didn't know what it was until a few months ago when my partner's relationship with his mother became overwhelming - there are no boundaries. She manipulates situations to get what she wants and has zero respect for his life - just how it impacts her life. The current 'fun' is she's "too busy" to come see him, but thinks it's unfair he won't go see her at the moment as we are going through one of the biggest upheavals of our lives! He's in therapy now and it's helping in some ways, but he's having to pay privately so financially, it's not ideal for us as we could do with the money for other things.

I know she's your mum but you don't have to put up with her nonsense. Read up on other people who have been in similar situations and the ways some have found of dealing with it. Don't let yourself fade away just to keep her happy - she shouldn't be dragging you down the way she is. Focus on the people who genuinely care about you, like your partner. I know it's 'frowned upon' to cut ties with close family members, but I've had to do the same in the past and I feel so much better for it - no regrets at all. They brought no joy to my life but plenty of misery, and now I don't have to worry about it any more.

Cooking meals is another form of control. Imagine the narrative when you slowly pull away from her “How could you treat me this way - I cooked for you - I don’t deserve this”.

It sounds like your DM is still doing some “nice” things for you, so it looks as if she cares. (Which I assume she does in some strange way). But in reality it continues your dependency on her for some nice things, which in reality means that she can continue to control you.
Gradually stop relying on her and break her ability to affect you. Improve your social circle. Firmly but civilly challenged her negativity towards you. If she kicks off, back off further. She will be the loser, but will try to make you feel guilty. Do not feel guilty.
You need to protect your child from her nonsense. Either she behaves appropriately or she sees very little of you and your child. Tough to do, but sometimes necessary.

I agree with the PPs, very good advice there.
Also wanted to say how lovely your DH sounds, great that's he's supporting you and clearly loves you no matter what has 'changed' after having your baby.
It does get easier, slowly but surely (mine are now 16 and 12). As in, it's still hard but it's different. Now the hard parts are letting them be more independent and so on....
I hope you enjoy your time with your own little family, and don't waste your energy on a toxic parent

Doesn't matter what others think

Do you have siblings?

You do need to distance yourself and reduce the contact as her behaviour to you is not good role modelling for your daughter or for your self esteem and confidence. As you say when she is there she spends more time on her phone so in reality you aren’t reducing your DD time with her grandmother by reducing contact.

Being “helpful” by cooking meals to help you out does not make up for her bed behaviour towards you. Being “kind” in some ways is typical behaviour for those with manipulative and narcissistic personality traits. It is designed to make you feel guilty and grateful, all the time enabling them to continue with their bad behaviour towards you and by the feelings of guilt you enable your mum to continue behaving as she does. It’s a viscous circle and one you need to break.

Boundaries will not be respected by her as she sees you are her property so do not discuss any personal life decisions with her - save those for your DH . In this way she can’t give you any criticism. If she moans that you aren’t sharing , just grey rock and say you are enjoying being a mum. You also need to reduce the amount of time she spends at your home. If that means getting a takeaway instead of one of her meals that’s fine. As you are a SAHM could you build in some batch cooking yourself to put in the freezer , or cook double the amount of some meals and put half in the freezer so you always have something available for those busy days.

Your mum sadly was never a good mum to you and continues to be a bad one now. It’s a huge positive that now as a mum yourself you have recognised all the red flags from your childhood and don’t want to repeat them. Enjoy your time with your daughter and model for her what good parenting is with your DH and your in laws if you have a good relationship with them.