Strained relationship with my mum after having a baby

[BeGreenSwan]

I would like some advice as there aren't many people I can talk to about this. I can't give my whole life story but I will give as much details as possible.

I'm a 27 year old SAHM, happily married and have a 21 month old. My mum lives a few hours away, she helps look after my daughter a few times a month for a few hours and has helped cook a lot of postpartum meals, I am grateful.

My relationship with my mum before motherhood: Very positive, close, she called us 'besties', she was very upset when I moved to uni but we continued to have almost daily hourly phone calls. There were some red flags... such as pushing me towards certain careers she perceived as 'higher status' , a lot of our calls where quite gossipy. Otherwise, everyone would say we were close.

I've always wanted to be a mum. My mum really pushed me to get pregnant months after marriage, she really wanted to be a grandma. She told me motherhood was easy after 1 year and everything would be okay. She said I would not have career issues. I know this goes against the cultural narrative about motherhood but I've come to realise that before I had a daughter, I didn't have many friends so i took my mums word for anything.

Reasons for out strained relationship:

1. She has made a lot of comments about my body during pregnany and postpartum. She has asked if my husband still finds me attractive postpartum. She has said I've lost my beauty. Straight after birth she commented on my stretch marks and looked in shock and horror. I am a slim size 6-8 but obviously my body has changed after having a baby even if I am slim.
2. After my daughter was born, we had to go back to hospital, I was so tired and was tearful in the car. She angrily told me to stop crying and I was being sensitive. She said she also was in hospital for days after I was born. I'm guessing she was harsh because she was tired as well?
3. We have different parenting styles. I breastfeed, limit screens... she finds this strange. When I was a child I watched a lot of TV. To this day my mother still prefers using her phone instead of interacting with my daughter.
4. I'm not sure I want a second child as I have found motherhood challenging. I think this annoys my mum even though she was supportive at first. She mentions how her colleagues daughter will be having a second.
5. She pushed for her family to visit postpartum even though I was very sleep deprived and emotional. She mentions how I have social anxiety for not wanting several visitors.

Those are the main points.

A few months ago something major happened...

I told her about a career plan that I have in the future. She wasn't pleased, she said the salary was too low and asked what my in laws would think. I was so hurt.
After this event I decided to stop giving her too many details about my life, she's noticed and she's so cold with me now.

How do I navigate our relationship?
I see her often as she wants to see he granddaughter of course.

Hi op. This is a weird question, but are.you asian? I've seen this type of parenting style in Asian parents.

Your mother sounds unkind and controlling. She wants you to reflect well on her or what will people think. Horrible

shes jealous of you

My mum
is Irish and like this

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

I used to think my mum was a really good mother too and in practical ways she was. You could have a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread on here.

good point!

My mum was very abusive to my sister and favoured me so we have a difficult relationship.

Thanks for the advice :)

No I'm not Asian but my culture has similarities with Asian cultures. I was born the UK though

Why do you think?

@BeGreenSwan I dont understand why you are a sahm but your mother needs to help you caring for your baby?? why is your dh not more involved? you have both allowed her to take over your lives. she is not the boss of you and the baby is absolutely not hers to make decisions.

Why did you stay close with someone who was abusive to your sister?

I would stop sharing any personal info.

You became the golden child whereas your sister is the scapegoat. These roles are interchangeable .

Both roles are not without price and your sister came off very badly. You are now seeing the price to be paid by you as her golden child.

Is it possible to mend fences with your sister?. I would try to do this but if she rejects your approach you will need to respect that. Is she younger than you?.

Sounds awful for you. Could you start meeting her in a different place rather than your home? A play park maybe? Or you go to her. At least then you can leave when you need or want to.

Early postpartum days she would cook us meals - as an act of kindness. This continues but not as much.

She does not provide childcare but will care for my daughter to give me a break. My daughter does not sleep well so I'm often very sleep deprived.

My husband helps a lot with chores and if my daughter is waking up at night a lot.

I was told my sister was a naughty child, I only realised in the past few years the true story. This is another topic that is complex to explain.

I was a child when this happened!

I could not relate to this more. When one parent is abusive in an obvious way, it’s easy to believe the other parent is kind and angelic. Sort of ‘good cop, bad cop’. But of course in the cold light of day, the innocent parent can be just as problematic but in a more insidious way. They can also pick up abusive behaviour and toxic attitudes from the bad cop.

Really? It’s very tiring being a sahm and responsible for everything in the house and the child, most parents welcome a break

My sister is older, we have had a chat about our childhood but after decades of a toxic sibling relationship I don't think we will ever be close.

Yeah... I'm assuming they may not be a parent?

Good idea!

This is my situation. My exdh is very abusive and dd1 and especially dd2 have gone low contact. They are basically no contact with him but he has very thick skin and a large ego! I am afraid that some of his awful traits might have rubbed off on me.

I’m guessing you mostly followed her wishes/beliefs so you didn’t really fall out of favour with her but now you are an adult, either your own child and opinions. She’s lost her control and your tolerance is lower.
id continue to keep boundaries up it sounds like you need them

@BeGreenSwan I’m so sorry to hear this, this sounds really hard and hurtful. The things your mother has said are cruel and abusive. She is no doubt lashing out due to her own pain/damage… but you don’t deserve this and you aren’t her punching bag and she doesn’t have the right to try and control you.

I echo what others have said about how becoming a mother can really put into context and stir up our own relationship with our own mothers.

my relationship with my mother got a bit weird after I had children for this reason. My mother is nice and loving toward me, nothing like the emotionally abusive behaviour your mother is showing you… but we do parent differently and have different ideas about raising children , and this caused some strain as I found my own way and didn’t always bend to how she thought I should do things.

What I will say is this. Hold your boundaries. Don’t do things that don’t feel right just because she is advising/pressuring you to.
Your baby will only be little for a short while, and you shouldn’t be swayed into things you may look back and regret. Do what’s right for you and for your child and your shared life together.

I grew more of a backbone than I ever thought I could have, after having kids. They gave me courage to act the way that felt right for me, and doing this for them made it easier to stand up for myself. (Eg breastfeeding, cosleeping, sling wearing , baby led weaning, limited screens, being SAHM , parenting with empathy … all things that I was advised against in different ways- but that I knew were how I wanted to do things. )

I’m sending you love and strength xx