Strained relationship with my mum after having a baby

[BeGreenSwan]

I would like some advice as there aren't many people I can talk to about this. I can't give my whole life story but I will give as much details as possible.

I'm a 27 year old SAHM, happily married and have a 21 month old. My mum lives a few hours away, she helps look after my daughter a few times a month for a few hours and has helped cook a lot of postpartum meals, I am grateful.

My relationship with my mum before motherhood: Very positive, close, she called us 'besties', she was very upset when I moved to uni but we continued to have almost daily hourly phone calls. There were some red flags... such as pushing me towards certain careers she perceived as 'higher status' , a lot of our calls where quite gossipy. Otherwise, everyone would say we were close.

I've always wanted to be a mum. My mum really pushed me to get pregnant months after marriage, she really wanted to be a grandma. She told me motherhood was easy after 1 year and everything would be okay. She said I would not have career issues. I know this goes against the cultural narrative about motherhood but I've come to realise that before I had a daughter, I didn't have many friends so i took my mums word for anything.

Reasons for out strained relationship:

1. She has made a lot of comments about my body during pregnany and postpartum. She has asked if my husband still finds me attractive postpartum. She has said I've lost my beauty. Straight after birth she commented on my stretch marks and looked in shock and horror. I am a slim size 6-8 but obviously my body has changed after having a baby even if I am slim.
2. After my daughter was born, we had to go back to hospital, I was so tired and was tearful in the car. She angrily told me to stop crying and I was being sensitive. She said she also was in hospital for days after I was born. I'm guessing she was harsh because she was tired as well?
3. We have different parenting styles. I breastfeed, limit screens... she finds this strange. When I was a child I watched a lot of TV. To this day my mother still prefers using her phone instead of interacting with my daughter.
4. I'm not sure I want a second child as I have found motherhood challenging. I think this annoys my mum even though she was supportive at first. She mentions how her colleagues daughter will be having a second.
5. She pushed for her family to visit postpartum even though I was very sleep deprived and emotional. She mentions how I have social anxiety for not wanting several visitors.

Those are the main points.

A few months ago something major happened...

I told her about a career plan that I have in the future. She wasn't pleased, she said the salary was too low and asked what my in laws would think. I was so hurt.
After this event I decided to stop giving her too many details about my life, she's noticed and she's so cold with me now.

How do I navigate our relationship?
I see her often as she wants to see he granddaughter of course.

Sounds like it’s time to cut the apron strings, and realise you don’t need validation from her. You’re a grown up now and a mum, and able to make your own decisions. Be confident, and take control.

Do you need her help, or is it a habit you’ve fallen into?

Re boundaries:

you could agree to meet her in a coffee shop or similar. Have a get out plan to keep it short. Like. ‘Can only stay until 11 as I’ve got an appointment’. Type thing.

In The moment , if she says something abusive or steers the convo into controlling talk.. shut it down. ‘I don’t want to talk about that mum’ and change the subject. If she persists, ‘we have got to be going now mum, we have plans’. Or if you are feeling brave ‘I’m not enjoying this conversation , you are not being kind or supportive so I’m leaving, bye’. Or ‘what a hurtful thing to say, I’m going to go now bye’.

same in phone calls. Shut it down and if she persists ‘got to go mum, bye’

it will feel hard at first but you will get used to it if you are consistent.

I urge you to consider how much of a relationship you want your child to have with her. She will do this to your child too. Maybe your child can still have a very light touch relationship with grandma with short visits or meet ups , but I wouldn’t ever leave my child with her if I were you.

(edited for typos)

You don't owe your mother anything. Cooking some meals doesn't negate her awful behaviour. She's not entitled to see her grandchild and sounds like a poor role model. Only you can choose what to do, but sounds like it would be best for you to distance yourself and refuse to listen or accept any nonsense she comes out with.

BeGreenSwan, I think that she's spending her time with you making herself indispensable and making you anxious and dependent, to the extent of trying to come between you and your husband. She seems to be trying to control your relationship so that she is the most important person in your life. I think the lack of interest in your baby that you have observed is all part of it. I wouldn't be surprised that in future, she will be getting between you and your child too.

What you have said about your father has made me think that if she is not actually narcissistic, she is using you to fill the holes in her life and has been probably alienating any friends or other supportive people in your life, to keep you close. It is time to create healthy boundaries with her. You decide how much contact you want and what your relationship with her should look like. You may need some help with this, so a you can afford it, a few sessions with a therapist might be the way to go ❤️

@BeGreenSwan hoe stay I’d be starting TK grey rock now and then go low contact.

you think you managing her now or looking to - what you are actually doing is keeping someone in your life and letting them build a relationship with your child who she will behave the same with eventually.

You are setting your child up for emotional hurt by their grandmother. I wouldn’t have someone I describe as toxic in my child’s life.

It may mean hard conversations and a tough patch for you now to put things in place but long term it would be healthier for you and your family unit.

I have a similar situation and honestly I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive but I’m almost glad to hear that there is someone else out there with the same issue.

My sister and I parent like you and my mum also parented like your mum. My mum told my sister she was being a neurotic mother and sits on her phone when she’s with my son and my nephew. She shouted at me postpartum and then attempted to do the same to my sister before I stopped her. We used to be really close. It’s really sad.

The cooking isn’t for you.
It is serving a function to create dependency, to ensure she continues to be the centre of your world. Look up enmeshment and co-dependency. That is precisely what is going on, and you have been conditioned to prioritise her.

You are supposed to make her happy, that is your job. Unless you find a way to untangle yourself, have therapy and focus on your dd she will drain you dry.

How dare she run down your incredible life giving h body. What a sinister and insidious way to treat your own child. This works to strip you of confidence and strength - what happens when you challenge her? Or do you feel you can’t? ‘Mother if you say that again you will have to leave/I will be hanging up’ every single time.

You run the risk of your own dc developing an eating disorder as a minimum. Please don’t stand by and let her do this.

Something that has worked (to an extent) with my mother is naming her behaviour, and neutrally stating your response to that. So for example, if she looks in horror at your stretch marks, you would say "You're looking horrified by my stretch marks. They don't bother me at all, most women get them." My mum would reply by saying something like "Oh no I'm not horrified" as she doesn't like to admit to being cruel. To which you can say "Great, good to hear!"