Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I give him one last chance?

65 replies

Desmonda · 18/07/2025 23:53

Married 35 years. Adult kids still living at home. Husband has been grumpy, agressive, speaks to me terribly (& kids) for as long as I can remember. Have threatened to leave many times but never went through with it as was unable to support kids on my own. Now in a position to do so and told him 4 weeks ago wanted a DV and was no going back. Cut a long story short he was devastated and begged me to give him one last chance. After week of deliberating and massive talk about everything unacceptable about how he treats me agreed to give him a shot - on understanding I might still leave. Requested full disclosure of all finances and pension to eliminate risk of him transferring funds out. He’s being alot nicer and trying really hard but I’m still wary he’s more worried about finances and keeping his trophy family close. Has narcissistic tendencies and last straw was him shouting at me in public for no good reason. We hardly spoke for 4 months after that and although he realised he was out of order he never once tried to address it or apologise, until I told him I wanted a DV. ( usual pattern never apologises). I’m mellowing now that he’s been trying really hard - not yet made my mind up - but am I being a mug here and should I just tell him I’m proceeding with a DV as he hadn’t been interested in sorting out his issues over the past 20 years ? I was really so sure I wouldn’t cave and that I def wanted a DV, and now I’m doubting myself ..

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 19/07/2025 00:00

No

BernardButlersBra · 19/07/2025 00:01

I think push on. Life is way too short. He hasn't changed so far and most likely doesn't really want to

BrightLightTonight · 19/07/2025 00:02

If you do, what is the benefit to you. You have put up with his shit for 35 years, so now you have a way out, what do you gain by giving him another chance?

GrumpyInsomniac · 19/07/2025 00:04

I can’t help but wonder how any change is supposed to last, given he’s not really shown himself to be prone to self-reflection if this is how he’s behaved your entire marriage.

If I wanted to give something like this another try I would be insisting on him going to therapy, and considering whether couples’ therapy was appropriate if his individual therapy seemed to be having an impact.

Otherwise you’re just going to be doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Which is not a strategy.

You deserve a life without dealing with his shit. Keep moving forward with the divorce and if he’s really committed, he still has time to prove that for you before you get as far as the decree nisi. Spoiler: he won’t.

Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 00:11

He wanted us both go to couples therapy but I refused, told him I knew what issues were in our marriage. Said he should go work on himself. Which he’s not yet arranged …..

Very reluctant to break up family and that’s main thing I’d gain from staying.

OP posts:
CAMHShelp · 19/07/2025 00:20

Yes
After so long it might be the wake up call he needed and if not then you go. Set time limits on things, like the therapy.

FireHorseStar · 19/07/2025 06:58

He’ll slip back into his usual behaviour once the threat has died down. Leave now, your children will understand and probably be relieved.

Millyjanice · 19/07/2025 07:04

FireHorseStar · 19/07/2025 06:58

He’ll slip back into his usual behaviour once the threat has died down. Leave now, your children will understand and probably be relieved.

This. Don’t waste any more time on him. Not long before he’s back to usual.

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/07/2025 07:10

My gut feeling is that this is one grumpy old leopard who won't change his spots.

has he divulged the financial situation to you yet? Do you believe what he's said?
I think you should go for some individual counselling to help you work out/decide what is the best thing to do. You wouldn't be the only person to do this, I know of someone else who had left her husband of nearly 40 years because she's had enough. I think it's a very brave thing to do, but obviously knowing all about the finances so you can get your fair share of the retirement pot is crucial.

Catoo · 19/07/2025 07:34

35 years and your children grew up around that. I would not be able to forgive him for those childhoods. He can never take that back. And it’s sad you didn’t think you could leave when they were younger.

If you decide to divorce, don’t tell him until you have seen a solicitor, know exactly what info you need, and you have it. I think once you tell him, and he realises you won’t change your mind, he’ll be absolutely foul.

If you stay, I am not sure how long he’ll be able to be nice. Does he seem to have switched easily? What explanations has he given for years of abuse?

unsync · 19/07/2025 07:38

No, he's had enough time. It's not you he cares about, it's himself, appearances and his finances. They'll say and do anything to make you change your mind, and then go back to old habits once you've caved.

Although if he hasn't even made the effort to get help, you've got your answer. The reason he wanted couples therapy would be to point out how it's all your fault, which is why he won't be arranging therapy for himself. He doesn't think he's in the wrong, therefore he doesn't need therapy. Heaven forbid he take any responsibility.

PussInBin20 · 19/07/2025 07:45

Blimey you gave him 35 years - I think he’s had time! He’s just thinking of himself. Don’t go back is my advice.

YodasHairyButt · 19/07/2025 07:51

He will be on his best behaviour for a bit until he thinks the danger is past, then he will slowly revert to form. The fact he hasn’t done anything about counselling tells how serious he is about that. Kids will grow up and move on and you will still be with him. So do you want that anymore?

Rosie579 · 19/07/2025 07:59

You sound quite defeated by his behaviour, which after 35 years is understandable. This could be the wake up call he needs, so if you want to then see how things go, but I would set a time limit, eg if he hasn’t been to therapy by x date, then it’s time to leave.

More importantly if you aren’t happy then regardless of if he changes or not you need to leave, it sounds like you are only staying to keep your family together, but if you aren’t happy they won’t be either. You have the opportunity to live a life free of his past behaviour and make yourself happy.

Rootsdarling2 · 19/07/2025 08:01

Sorry OP but you need to dig deep here. How old are your kids? You've subjected your DC to this for long enough.

Just leave. People don't change it's not easy to change.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/07/2025 08:05

You have been and are worth more than this, OP.
I would imagine the threat of divorce and the financial implications of that are what have caused the very temporary improvement in his behaviour.
It won't last.

Washingupdone · 19/07/2025 08:05

I suggest you get all the necessary papers, bank, mortgage etc together and see a solicitor, without his knowledge, to know where you stand. Then if the leopard doesn’t change his spots you are prepared. 35 years is a long time to put up with disrespect.
As for the adult children, would you be still housing them, if so would you be able to manage. Has the disrespect their father shown you rubbed off on them?
Look round the area you would like to move to and visit some of the places on offer

BCBird · 19/07/2025 08:06

You deserve peace OP
Imagine putting your key in the door, without a sense of dread. Priceless.

Firefly100 · 19/07/2025 08:07

For me he couldn’t win. If he manages to change his behaviour then he was capable of it all along but chose not to as long as he held all the power and my unhappiness didn’t matter because I couldn’t act on it. I actually think that would hurt me more than if he couldn’t change his behaviour.

BCBird · 19/07/2025 08:09

If the adult children go with you, please make sure u are not trying to shoulder all the financial burden yourself. They should be contributing, irrespective of whether you can.pay for everything.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 19/07/2025 08:13

He's putting on a front to protect his money

Get rid, 20yrs is plenty of time to waste

OohhhhhBigStretch · 19/07/2025 08:14

Has he given you everything you requested? If the answer is no then leave?

LarrySherbert · 19/07/2025 08:15

I know you have adult children still living with you now, but think ahead five, ten years and imagine they've all moved out and it's just you and him. How does that thought make you feel?

ForrinMummy · 19/07/2025 08:15

I would divorce him.

He isn’t devastated at all, by the way. He’s angry that you have got uppity and now he has to call out the repairman because his white goods are on the blink.

My advice is to look at the deterioration of his behaviour and ask yourself are you really signing up for the next 35 years. Are you signing up the version of you in her eighties and nineties to this abuse? doesn’t she deserve better?

Middletoleft · 19/07/2025 08:18

How's the finances looking? Has he given you access to everything, what's the spending looking like?

He's being nice because you've threatened his pocket that's all. Do not change your decision, at least not until you know your financial position at any rate.