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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I give him one last chance?

65 replies

Desmonda · 18/07/2025 23:53

Married 35 years. Adult kids still living at home. Husband has been grumpy, agressive, speaks to me terribly (& kids) for as long as I can remember. Have threatened to leave many times but never went through with it as was unable to support kids on my own. Now in a position to do so and told him 4 weeks ago wanted a DV and was no going back. Cut a long story short he was devastated and begged me to give him one last chance. After week of deliberating and massive talk about everything unacceptable about how he treats me agreed to give him a shot - on understanding I might still leave. Requested full disclosure of all finances and pension to eliminate risk of him transferring funds out. He’s being alot nicer and trying really hard but I’m still wary he’s more worried about finances and keeping his trophy family close. Has narcissistic tendencies and last straw was him shouting at me in public for no good reason. We hardly spoke for 4 months after that and although he realised he was out of order he never once tried to address it or apologise, until I told him I wanted a DV. ( usual pattern never apologises). I’m mellowing now that he’s been trying really hard - not yet made my mind up - but am I being a mug here and should I just tell him I’m proceeding with a DV as he hadn’t been interested in sorting out his issues over the past 20 years ? I was really so sure I wouldn’t cave and that I def wanted a DV, and now I’m doubting myself ..

OP posts:
crazysnakess · 19/07/2025 08:20

I remember my abusive father pulling this trick when my mother told him she wanted a divorce. Twenty five years telling her that she was disgusting and he hated her, and all of a sudden we are on a family day out and he was holding her hand with their fingers linked, smiling at her, constantly trying to kiss her. He even got dressed up for it, a fucking suit jacket with his jeans. I still feel sick when I remember it.

He doesn't want the marriage to end because he enjoys abusing you and you're about to take that away from him. That's what I learned from my father. Despite the constant abuse, threatening to leave, telling us we had ruined his life, calling my mother a dirty cunt, telling her she smelled, saying he had better offers from women at work, the truth was that he was happy in that marriage. It worked for him because it met his needs - he had someone to abuse. He didn't actually want the marriage to end. Abusers always switch into nice mode when they feel insecure.

It will not last. If you fold, he will go back to normal with the added confidence boost of knowing he's got the power to talk you out of leaving. And the more secure they feel the worse they are.

Do you want to spend another twenty years living like that?

healthybychristmas · 19/07/2025 08:33

personally I would do what it took to see the finances. Then I would file for divorce. Your children are adults. Your marriage is after the miserable. Don't even think of staying together for the children.

LarrySherbert · 19/07/2025 08:42

I think if you are in a position now to get it and take your kids with you, you should do it. It sounds like you have waited a long time for the opportunity. I wouldn't let it pass me by.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/07/2025 08:44

Men don't just change. It will be a never ending cycle. Leave now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2025 08:44

Do not be a mug here and give him yet another chance. How many has he already had?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home as a child?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you two?. Both of you have taught them a lot of damaging lessons and you’re going to have to own part of this.

Your now adult children and you are broken by his actions. Better also to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one for what have been your own reasons ie not wanting to break up family. That ship anyway sailed the very first time he abused you.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse too is not a relationship issues, it’s about power and control. Carry on with divorce proceedings.

I think it’s only when you are completely out will you come to realise the full extent of just how terrible life with him was. Set yourself free of him.

Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 08:45

Thanks for the feedback, agree with everyone’s replies. Was never interested in resolving anything, would call me a moan anytime I called him out on behaviours, so ended up I went quiet for past few years and isolated myself from him. Had no voice. And now all of a sudden he is listening and changing. Worried if despite him “changing” i’d be cutting my nose off to spite him. But I really want to punish him for years of unhappiness and that sounds awful, not in my nature. Have been to see a solicitor and have copies of all documents I need. And yes his disrespect has rubbed off on the kids unfortunately 😢, although they’re fully aware of his faults as been calling him out infront of them since they were old enough to understand how he communicated wasn’t acceptable.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 19/07/2025 08:50

Get that financial info and divorce him. You know it's an act. If I were you I'd hire a forensic accountant anyway, because I'll bet he still won't show you everything.

Your kids are adults, they have their own lives. They might still be living at home, but they aren't children.

These are your years now. Don't waste them on him.

Washingupdone · 19/07/2025 09:00

Pleased you realize that the AC could be a problem regarding disrespect.

I think you should look at place to live for yourself, to see if you would be comfortable.

LarrySherbert · 19/07/2025 09:03

They're disrespectful of you? Are you certain they will go with you?

How adult are they?

CurlewKate · 19/07/2025 09:06

No. It’s not up to you to fix him.

Linenpickle · 19/07/2025 09:06

plan The exit without doubt

timetogetuppeople · 19/07/2025 09:09

Nope divorce him. If he really does change then you can still give it another go down the line you just won’t be married but think he needs a kick up the butt and he’s crossed the line for the last time.

Divorce him and whatever will be will be

Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 09:10

To clarify. Went to lawyer last year for advice & to get ducks lined up. Haven’t been back in touch with them to push that button yet …

OP posts:
Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 09:16

I think kids would split time between us. Which I would want as at end of day he’s their Dad. They’re early twenties.

And yes they do show disrespect to me but I’ve always pulled them up on that. Unfortunately one idolises him and don’t think he’ll ever change. That’s also part of my rationale for leaving. To teach then it’s absolutely not acceptable YP behave in relationships that way. But waters getting muddied as husband now all sweetness and like …….

OP posts:
yeesh · 19/07/2025 09:17

What a waste of a life

Seaoftroubles · 19/07/2025 09:35

Press on with divorce once you have full knowledge of his finances. He won't change, he is who he is, but likely to get worse if you give him another chance. He obviously has no respect for you as he's shown many times. And he's not devastated either, he is just annoyed that you've dared to oppose him.
It's not too late for a peaceful life, your children are young adults and can make their own choices now.

crazysnakess · 19/07/2025 09:48

Desmonda · 19/07/2025 08:45

Thanks for the feedback, agree with everyone’s replies. Was never interested in resolving anything, would call me a moan anytime I called him out on behaviours, so ended up I went quiet for past few years and isolated myself from him. Had no voice. And now all of a sudden he is listening and changing. Worried if despite him “changing” i’d be cutting my nose off to spite him. But I really want to punish him for years of unhappiness and that sounds awful, not in my nature. Have been to see a solicitor and have copies of all documents I need. And yes his disrespect has rubbed off on the kids unfortunately 😢, although they’re fully aware of his faults as been calling him out infront of them since they were old enough to understand how he communicated wasn’t acceptable.

Why wouldn't you want to punish someone who had made you miserable for years?

That's a normal response.

Cadenza12 · 19/07/2025 09:57

He's not going to change. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you potentially want to endure the challenges of age and his frustrations that are almost inevitable? How about being his carer? Or him yours? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Washingupdone · 19/07/2025 09:57

It sounds as if you are letting history repeat itself regarding AC.
How many AC do you have and do they have jobs? You are going to spend money on a lower accommodation to house disrespectful AC instead of some thing for yourself. They are AC and there is no need to split time with their father and yourself as if they are under 18. Maybe they should flat share together and visit which ever parent they want, which one for food and laundry.

Channellingsophistication · 19/07/2025 09:59

It's probably best to press on with the divorce.

As you say he needs the therapy, you don't need it together but he has not booked any which shows he's not really committed to it. I think it would be very hard for him to change now after all these years. You could give him some time to do so, setting a time limit in your own mind, but I suspect he will just slip back into his old ways after a time, and you will have wasted your time giving him a chance.

Unfortunately leopards don't change their spots.

Blondestripedlassie · 19/07/2025 11:12

crazysnakess · 19/07/2025 08:20

I remember my abusive father pulling this trick when my mother told him she wanted a divorce. Twenty five years telling her that she was disgusting and he hated her, and all of a sudden we are on a family day out and he was holding her hand with their fingers linked, smiling at her, constantly trying to kiss her. He even got dressed up for it, a fucking suit jacket with his jeans. I still feel sick when I remember it.

He doesn't want the marriage to end because he enjoys abusing you and you're about to take that away from him. That's what I learned from my father. Despite the constant abuse, threatening to leave, telling us we had ruined his life, calling my mother a dirty cunt, telling her she smelled, saying he had better offers from women at work, the truth was that he was happy in that marriage. It worked for him because it met his needs - he had someone to abuse. He didn't actually want the marriage to end. Abusers always switch into nice mode when they feel insecure.

It will not last. If you fold, he will go back to normal with the added confidence boost of knowing he's got the power to talk you out of leaving. And the more secure they feel the worse they are.

Do you want to spend another twenty years living like that?

Edited

Blimey. What happened in the end?

crazysnakess · 19/07/2025 11:30

Blondestripedlassie · 19/07/2025 11:12

Blimey. What happened in the end?

Show quote history

She left him anyway (she had met someone else). The divorce was difficult and expensive because he was so unreasonable over everything. He refused to leave the family home and then trashed it so it wouldn't sell. A year later he was sectioned. In hindsight, having us to abuse had enabled him to function and without that he simply couldn't cope.

Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 15:19

Catoo · 19/07/2025 07:34

35 years and your children grew up around that. I would not be able to forgive him for those childhoods. He can never take that back. And it’s sad you didn’t think you could leave when they were younger.

If you decide to divorce, don’t tell him until you have seen a solicitor, know exactly what info you need, and you have it. I think once you tell him, and he realises you won’t change your mind, he’ll be absolutely foul.

If you stay, I am not sure how long he’ll be able to be nice. Does he seem to have switched easily? What explanations has he given for years of abuse?

Didn’t ask him for explanation of years of abuse tbh, just laid it all out describing repeated and numerous instances where he was horrible to me or kids He seems to have switched really easily which is a huge surprise. One of kids keeps commenting on his new demeanour and lack of angry outbursts. Def think he could be playing me ….

OP posts:
IceCreamWoes · 19/07/2025 15:21

DV means domestic violence FYI

Original poster
Desmonda · 19/07/2025 15:25

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/07/2025 07:10

My gut feeling is that this is one grumpy old leopard who won't change his spots.

has he divulged the financial situation to you yet? Do you believe what he's said?
I think you should go for some individual counselling to help you work out/decide what is the best thing to do. You wouldn't be the only person to do this, I know of someone else who had left her husband of nearly 40 years because she's had enough. I think it's a very brave thing to do, but obviously knowing all about the finances so you can get your fair share of the retirement pot is crucial.

Divulged it all within half an hour of me saying I’d only consider a stay of execution on basis he divulged all. Believe what he’s told me.

Interestingly he was trying to suggest id be better off staying with him as would be financially better off - very true. And that he’d be dead within 10 years anyway and then I could have it all. That could go either way. Told him I’m not interested in money, only happiness. He then ‘left out’ his life insurance policy for me to see how much he was worth dead - which I fine well knew anyway. All strikes me as manipulation ….

OP posts: