Divorce advice

[Helpinghand1234]

I have been married just over two years, (together 4) I owned my home outright prior to marriage. He does not contribute financially to any of our finances- his name is not on the house, not on any bill, not on anything (he has always refused and pled poverty for a variety of reasons.) When I say I pay for everything I mean every single thing. Every bill, every food shop, holiday, every piece of clothing for our children, every cot, car seat, nappy, toy and so on has all been paid for by me.
I don’t know what assets he has, he’s always kept it quite vague. My husband lived with his parents prior to marriage on the family farm, so I don’t really know who owns what. If we divorced he would 100% return to live with them in their two bed house.
He leaves the house 2.30am each day, returns at 8am for half an hour to get changed and then leaves again until around 6.30pm.
We have a 21 month old and 6 week old.
Im at my wits end and have reached out to a solicitor for a consultation but am yet to hear back.
I have so many questions, my main ones around the children.
. What kind of visitation/ custody would he be likely to get?
. Does the fact he doesn’t own a home have any impact? Or the fact his parents home only has two bedrooms currently used by each of my in-laws.
. Would his working hours affect any custody decisions?
. Our youngest is only 6 weeks- what age would he likely be separated from me? (Currently exclusively breast feeding- I did with my eldest until 12 months)
I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws (long story) and the only reason I will remain married is if there’s a high risk the children would be forced to stay overnight with him at their home and the children would be exposed to their toxic family dynamic. They have form for being irresponsible- I have CCTV of my husband taking our eldest in fil’s car on his lap with no car seat, and in-laws don’t believe in the use of seatbelts for their other older grandchildren.
My other set of questions is regarding my home. I self built prior to our marriage and have no mortgage- is my home at risk? I would be happy not to make any claim on his assets (some land I think he owns) if he left the home alone, but would a judge give him a share so he could buy his own property to house the children?
Lastly- has anyone been through divorce with very young children? If so how did you cope with the guilt? My life would 100% be easier divorced, but I’m worried how selfish I’m being and the long term affect on them. I feel if I stay married I have a level of control over their upbringing and what/who they’re exposed to, but if I’m divorced I can’t stop him or his family from exposing them to their toxic and damaging environment.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

I’m sorry you are going through that. But he does own a home. You are married so he owns yours with you. Doesn’t matter who is on the deeds. Though as it is a short marriage you may well be able to argue that he shouldn’t get 50% of the value of it

Hay op sorry your going through this, but yes your making plans, a start,

First things first, your home so h isn't on paperwork just you, you need financial advice to see if he can claim part of your home?? So yes get this done,

The children are too young to be staying overnight anywhere so don't worry too much there, yes he may have rights to see children but for now as there so young, it may be ' a morning or afternoon ' couple of hours at must, and as younger is breastfed that would need accounting for, his work pattern also, but for now think about the practical things you can be getting on with,

You really need advice from a good solicitor OP.

You won’t get accurate advice on here unless you find someone who was in the exact same circumstances. You can get a 30min free consultation with a lot of solicitors so see if you can find one but ultimately you need to seek professional advice. Good luck to you! He sounds like a complete loser! X

Why did you marry him?!

It’s a really tough situation. Get legal advice. Family member is going through a divorce although no kids, his name isn’t on the house deeds but he is entitled to half of it due them being married. She was advised to offer him a settlement fee & hope for his good will.
Quite amazed though you've started a family with him yet don’t know his financial situation prior to marriage, I know we never expect to end up in this situation though. Good luck

This is not accurate. Assets owned prior to marriage do not become community property,

What legally could be claimed for isn’t the same as what you can agree. You best bet is to get him to agree to leave and get the financial order drawn up him agreeing, in your circumstances the judge wouldn’t overrule unless he wasn’t considered competent. If he doesn’t agree, then it’s a case of whether he’ll accept something to leave and how much. Legal divorce is separate from the money, just apply online as it’s easy as long as he agrees. Child custody is separate again and very much a case of little and often with such young ones

You need legal advice, if you can prove he’s not contributed though that should help your case.

It depends where you are based. For instance, the general starting point is splitting assets 50/50 but if you're in England then any pensions would also be split 50/50. In Scotland any pension accrued during the marriage would be split 50/50 (as i understand it). It also depends on the length of the relationship/subsequent marriage. As part of the process there should be financial disclosure and you may discover assets you didn't know about.

Firstly you need to seek proper advice from a solicitor.
Remember it's your marriage/divorce so you have to come to a decision between you. A good solicitor will suggest mediation to sort out children/assets/any maintenance.
I would also recommend you get your financial paperwork in order prior to any appointment - bank statements, mortgage details, anything to do with the house purchase. A solicitor can only give the best advice if they are fully informed.

If you cannot decide between you then the court will make the decisions (which you do not want!).
Even if he is not on your house deeds - he could be entitled to something but this may be unlikely as it has been a short marriage.
The children are yours together and no matter what, he is (as he should be) entitled to see them.
I don't believe 'custody' is awarded to one parent anymore (as a standard practice) as you both have parental rights until they turn 18.
Good luck OP x

What country are you in, OP? This will make a difference. For example the laws between England & Scotland are very different regarding divorce and separation of assets.

Houses do, if you live there together.

Sorry you are in this situation. I have some advice to offer as a divoorcee, but I'm not a solicitor. As you are married under 5 years this is counted as a short marriage.
This should go in your favour and if you can prove there is no finicial contribution from him he may not be entitled to half of your assets.
You'll have to file for divorce before the 5 year mark.
Regarding the children, family courts try to keep access open to both parents and what is in the child's best interests is what is decided on.
I my case I got 100% custody with no overnight stays at the EXH, but that was because he didn't want to contest it! Child was a teen so could state their preferences.
Every circumstance is different so get an hours consultation with a solicitor as soon as you can.
Much luck to you.

Wishing you lots of luck.
he sounds at best completely useless, at worst, abusive.
gather evidence. Show you’ve paid all the bills. Show he is not there for the kids. Don’t go over the 5 yr mark.
Best of luck xxx

That's what I thought too, a friend owned her house before her marriage, when they divorced she found there was a £20000 debt against the house, he'd forged her signature etc. Lucky for her, unlucky for him, he was in the Army, one meeting with his CO and it was resolved. He got nothing from her house.

So sorry you are going going this. Well done on deciding you're not going to put up with it any longer. The sooner you divorce, the less likely he can claim 50% of your pre-owned house.
If he's always been nebulous about his earnings and assets, he probably has some.

If he has funds and has been forcing you to pay all bills, this could be financial control.

If his parents plan on leaving the farm to him, this can be considered as part of the divorce financial settlement agreement.

What I mean by all this is that he might have a lot more to lose than it currently appears, and once he realises this may not want to go after your assets after all.

There's no ducks in a row for you as you have your own financial docs etc and (it sounds like) can't access any of his (probably has parents as mailing address for it all).

Hold out for a good solicitor appointment and see what she says.

Then, I would simply tell him the marriage isn't working and you'd like him to leave.

Don't agree to give him any more money. If he asks to see the children, say you'll consider his requests for the older one and to email you.

About your guilt and loss of control over influence on the kids - do you really think the GPs will want to spend time with them? Do they now? Can you plan to move house so there's a bit more distance?

You can't change who your kids' family are; you can only focus on providing a safe and happy home for them, and trust that they will follow your guidance and have your support for anything they experience with other family members.

Where does he go at 2:30 am and return at 8am, are you sure he doesn’t have another family. I wonder if he married you to con you? Maybe I’ve watched too many films with that kind of plot!

You need to speak to a good solicitor. It can seem expensive initially but a good one will ensure it’s a fair split financially

As for finances, because it’s a relatively short marriage I’d presume (I have no legal experience), that you’d leave the marriage with what your brought to it, so I’d say divorce sooner rather than later.

with regards to the children, it’s what’s in the child’s best interests

Quietly go see a solicitor ASAP. Do not mention divorce to your partner. Get advice on exactly what you need to do to ensure you keep your home and can go for full custody. A really good solicitor will help you prepare, for example they will help you be aware what records and documents you need, what information about him, his way of living and his finances you need etc. You need this info to help you prepare as much as possible before you split. Don't rush this. Prepare prepare prepare. Knowledge is definitely power and a really good solicitor will help you gather that knowledge and evidence. I am sure you'll be able to keep your house if it was yours first and he didn't contribute, but a solicitor will advise how you evidence this. You might need to play nice to gather the evidence and documents first, the last thing you want is a big fall out that means he hides things, doesn't allow you access to things etc. I would strongly suggest you also speak with a therapist to work out why you chose this deadbeat and how you can build your self esteem and have better taste in partners going forward. Good luck!

So many unknowns here. Is he be helping out on the family farm and not being paid for it, perhaps with the promise of inheritance to keep him dangling? In which case he could well own nothing and have no income. He might be reluctant to move out of the marital home. My solicitor advised me in a similar situation that I shouldn't kick my ex out or he'd have a claim on the house (also married less than 2 years), but I should wait for him to leave. I'd definitely get proper legal advice before doing anything.

I do wonder why in earth you married him? Aside from that you had good assets and he now does have a claim on the .

There is no concept of community property in the law of England and Wales.

OP, you are unlikely to get accurate advice for your jurisdiction and situation here (and even if you do you will not know how to sort that from the inaccurate or inapplicable advice).

Chase up your solicitor / contact others.

Good luck.

So you see him for just a few hours a day and he is out all night? Does he have a second job working nights, so two jobs and contributes nothing? Sorry just trying to understand. How could he possibly be safe looking after young kids on so little sleep?

Why do women do this to themselves. You married a child!