Divorce advice

[Helpinghand1234]

I have been married just over two years, (together 4) I owned my home outright prior to marriage. He does not contribute financially to any of our finances- his name is not on the house, not on any bill, not on anything (he has always refused and pled poverty for a variety of reasons.) When I say I pay for everything I mean every single thing. Every bill, every food shop, holiday, every piece of clothing for our children, every cot, car seat, nappy, toy and so on has all been paid for by me.
I don’t know what assets he has, he’s always kept it quite vague. My husband lived with his parents prior to marriage on the family farm, so I don’t really know who owns what. If we divorced he would 100% return to live with them in their two bed house.
He leaves the house 2.30am each day, returns at 8am for half an hour to get changed and then leaves again until around 6.30pm.
We have a 21 month old and 6 week old.
Im at my wits end and have reached out to a solicitor for a consultation but am yet to hear back.
I have so many questions, my main ones around the children.
. What kind of visitation/ custody would he be likely to get?
. Does the fact he doesn’t own a home have any impact? Or the fact his parents home only has two bedrooms currently used by each of my in-laws.
. Would his working hours affect any custody decisions?
. Our youngest is only 6 weeks- what age would he likely be separated from me? (Currently exclusively breast feeding- I did with my eldest until 12 months)
I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws (long story) and the only reason I will remain married is if there’s a high risk the children would be forced to stay overnight with him at their home and the children would be exposed to their toxic family dynamic. They have form for being irresponsible- I have CCTV of my husband taking our eldest in fil’s car on his lap with no car seat, and in-laws don’t believe in the use of seatbelts for their other older grandchildren.
My other set of questions is regarding my home. I self built prior to our marriage and have no mortgage- is my home at risk? I would be happy not to make any claim on his assets (some land I think he owns) if he left the home alone, but would a judge give him a share so he could buy his own property to house the children?
Lastly- has anyone been through divorce with very young children? If so how did you cope with the guilt? My life would 100% be easier divorced, but I’m worried how selfish I’m being and the long term affect on them. I feel if I stay married I have a level of control over their upbringing and what/who they’re exposed to, but if I’m divorced I can’t stop him or his family from exposing them to their toxic and damaging environment.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Where does he go from 2.30an until 6pm?!

You need proper legal advice.

This. Mumsnet is not the place to find answers regarding a divorce and assets division. You need to see a family law solicitor who will look into your specific circumstances. Paying for 1 hour advice is money well spent, you'll have a clear idea what you are dealing with financially and custody.

has anyone been through divorce with very young children? If so how did you cope with the guilt? My life would 100% be easier divorced, but I’m worried how selfish I’m being and the long term affect on them. I feel if I stay married I have a level of control over their upbringing and what/who they’re exposed to, but if I’m divorced I can’t stop him or his family from exposing them to their toxic and damaging environment.

I left my ex when he hit me whilst I had my baby son in my arms. I knew before the physical abuse happened that the marriage was over but I was too young and stupid me, I still had hope he'll change. He didn't.

I didn't feel guilty when I left, I was in shock but knew it was the best decision for me and my son. Four years later, I met my DH, a wonderful man who's been the best father my oldest son could have.

^ this is not strictly true either, pre marital assets are not automatically^ included in a settlement, but they does not mean a judge cannot include them
however length of marriage might automatically exclude in this case

I'm currently going through a divorce. My marriage is longer than yours. Please just get legal advice as soon as you can because you can't qualify people on the Internet and you'll tie yourself in knots.

OP this sounds familiar, have you not posted about this before several times? You need to get legal advice!

You need to see a solicitor asap. Under 5 years married/ co-habiting would be counted as a short marriage so he would have less rights to claim on things you brought into the marriage. Act fast though.

The faster you divorce the less likely he is to have a claim on your home.

Presumably he leaves early to feed animals on the farm and as he changes he works elsewhere in the day. You should know this and if you dont even if mumsnet hates it I'd be tracking his phone.

Get legal advice and get it quickly.

Probably he's a farmer?

I’m a family solicitor. And I really urge you to get some legal advice even just a fixed fee consultation. You’re getting all sorts of responses on here that are inaccurate and presumably based on personal experiences but every situation is different. Ring around and find somebody who you think you can get on with and book to see them.

Because people\society put so much pressure on women (men seem to escape this to an extent) to get married, especially if there is a child involved. The whole wedding day thing is a great PR stunt to get people to sign up to what is a legal and financial agreement both parties have a vague understanding of.

I was married for 20 years and owned my home before I met my exH, like you, outright. The court gave him nothing from the house. He had never paid for anything in it such as renovations. All he got was half the savings we accrued after marriage. My home was safe. You should be fine.
I can't advise re kids, I had my son before I met him.

In terms of division of assets you need to speak with a solicitor. You can always contact a few if you’re having trouble with the one you’ve reached out to.
In terms of the children are you sure he’d even want that much contact? Practically speaking how would he manage it alongside his work commitments? If he did want that much contact however you can ask for the safety and appropriateness of that to be assessed. Evidence will be important. You need to think about what evidence of your claims you have.

You need a good solicitor !
You will be told by solicitors and other people that it's a 50/50 split of assets including YOUR house.

A GOOD solicitor will ensure you keep YOUR house, i hope you have a paperwork trial i.e. where you got the money for your deposit / your mortgage etc etc and that he pays and never has paid a penny towards your house etc.

As for seeing the children, whenever will he find the time...

Good that you're moving on this swiftly. There's another thread on here where the woman is finding out that even though she's only been married two years, because they lived together before for a few years (more than this OP), it won't be treated as a short marriage so the guy could claim some of her assets (like this OP, it was her house he moved into). So whatever you do, OP, don't delay or let it drag out too long because the sooner you get the divorce rolling, the less likely it is that he can get a chunk of your home. Beyond that, it'll all depend on your specifics so definitely get talking to a good solicitor IRL and good luck!

No he doesn’t. We don’t have community of property in this country. He has a right to occupy it during your marriage but he does not own it. Pre-marital property is treated differently to marital property, especially where the person who owns it is also the main childcarer and there has been little discernible contribution from the other spouse (plus it’s a short marriage and he will be maintained by his parents). Depending on how much his land is worth it might well be entirely reasonable for you to keep your house and he keeps his land.
As for child arrangements it depends on how hard he will fight you at court but if he does it is likely he will get some overnight stays yes and from what you’ve said so far I don’t think the children would be stopped from going to the DGP’s house if that’s where their father lives.

I doubt they will.

Matrimonial property (built up during the marriage or treated as joint property) has a starting point of equal sharing but this can be departed from, usually because of the needs of the parties.

The home was pre-owned but was obviously lived in during the marriage so not 100% possible to say non matrimonial. However, husband has made no contribution, the courts first consideration is the children and it’s their home and it’s a short marriage. So I would not expect it to be split equally at all.

Husband owns some land. It depends on how much it’s worth. If it’s a fairly substantial amount I’d be pushing for each party to keep their own assets. If it’s not worth much, maybe a modest lump sum to “buy him off” which could be raised by way of mortgage against the home.

But no way is he going to get half the OP’s house when he hasn’t paid a penny and she has single handedly raised the children and will continue to be their main carer post divorce.

Eek shouldn’t have got married if you already owned a property OP.

He’s a farmer by the sound of it, so… to work?

As a divorcee not a solicitor every situation as I’m sure you already know is different. You can get free legal advice in uk, depending on the law firm usually 30min phone call it’s not long but it’s a must to find out a brief outline what your next move should be. With regards to the children and family court. Family courts are solely focused on the children’s best interest and their rights to have a relationship with both parents. Your cctv evidence will be useful but they may just suggest they attend ‘parenting’ classes to better educate them. Depending on proof of the in laws family dynamics and whether or not they are a dysfunctional family will obvs influence what will be agreed on. But in uk CAFCAS, are appointed by the courts and they will assess the situation and any concerns you will have. They too are focused on the children’s rights to have a relationship with both parents but they also do access what is best for their wellbeing. With regards to the house I was told there was no one rule about assists just an overall view and each case is on an individual basis. For instance some will be granted 50/50 of assets before and during marriage and others aren’t. I know I’m not much help but basically just get some legal advice and hire a really good solicitor will make your life much easier and simpler xx

Well the fact youve been married for 2 years means he would get half of your house whether you own it or not

He works crazy hours.... so what money is he earning even if he's not contributing? have u got evidence of his lack of contributions? Eg a lack of transactions from his account to yours to cover bills? No evidence of his earnings?

is it on his parents farm? Is he likely to inherit the farm in the future? If he wants to go after your assets, you can say you'll make a claim against his (maybe he's got some hefty savings built up somewhere?)

You don't know that so can't state it so definitively. OP needs a good solicitor and as per a PP, may not have to give him anything. There's a whole spectrum of possibilities and yours is only the worst case scenario.

That is quite unlikely TBH

Not true