Divorce advice

[Helpinghand1234]

I have been married just over two years, (together 4) I owned my home outright prior to marriage. He does not contribute financially to any of our finances- his name is not on the house, not on any bill, not on anything (he has always refused and pled poverty for a variety of reasons.) When I say I pay for everything I mean every single thing. Every bill, every food shop, holiday, every piece of clothing for our children, every cot, car seat, nappy, toy and so on has all been paid for by me.
I don’t know what assets he has, he’s always kept it quite vague. My husband lived with his parents prior to marriage on the family farm, so I don’t really know who owns what. If we divorced he would 100% return to live with them in their two bed house.
He leaves the house 2.30am each day, returns at 8am for half an hour to get changed and then leaves again until around 6.30pm.
We have a 21 month old and 6 week old.
Im at my wits end and have reached out to a solicitor for a consultation but am yet to hear back.
I have so many questions, my main ones around the children.
. What kind of visitation/ custody would he be likely to get?
. Does the fact he doesn’t own a home have any impact? Or the fact his parents home only has two bedrooms currently used by each of my in-laws.
. Would his working hours affect any custody decisions?
. Our youngest is only 6 weeks- what age would he likely be separated from me? (Currently exclusively breast feeding- I did with my eldest until 12 months)
I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws (long story) and the only reason I will remain married is if there’s a high risk the children would be forced to stay overnight with him at their home and the children would be exposed to their toxic family dynamic. They have form for being irresponsible- I have CCTV of my husband taking our eldest in fil’s car on his lap with no car seat, and in-laws don’t believe in the use of seatbelts for their other older grandchildren.
My other set of questions is regarding my home. I self built prior to our marriage and have no mortgage- is my home at risk? I would be happy not to make any claim on his assets (some land I think he owns) if he left the home alone, but would a judge give him a share so he could buy his own property to house the children?
Lastly- has anyone been through divorce with very young children? If so how did you cope with the guilt? My life would 100% be easier divorced, but I’m worried how selfish I’m being and the long term affect on them. I feel if I stay married I have a level of control over their upbringing and what/who they’re exposed to, but if I’m divorced I can’t stop him or his family from exposing them to their toxic and damaging environment.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Seek legal advice asap.

Strongly consider a “clean break” in your divorce against any possible future claims from him.

I am not sure on the legalities, but the sooner you start the better, I would advise to be discreet so you have the upper hand. Good luck.

WTF is he doing from 2:30 am? He sounds like an absolute arsehole and I can’t imagine how you ended up with him under those circumstances. Get proper advice quickly. Sounds like you’d be better off totally on your own.

Incorrect.
If they've been a benefit to both parties in a couple than they become matrimonialised.
While pre-marital assets are initially separate, they can become part of the marital pot if they are used jointly or treated as such during the marriage. The court will consider all circumstances when deciding how to divide assets in a divorce.

If nothing else this thread shows exactly why you should get independent legal advice @Helpinghand1234

Many solicitors will give 30 mins of legal advice for free so try and a couple and get lots of info each time.
Do this and prepare everything in advance.

he doesn’t sound like he would want custody anyway with his unusual hours.

No that is highly unlikely to happen. Even if it’s the family home, credit is usually given for one person contributing more. The only basis for giving him a substantial amount would be if he was the primary carer and needed to house himself and the children. Here, there is a very short marriage, completely separate finances (as he doesn’t pay for anything), very uneven contributions, husband owns his own property, OP paid for family home entirely, OP is main carer and will be in the future and needs a suitable home for herself and children.

If I were OP’s lawyer and depending on the value of the land and the house, I’d be pushing for each to just keep their own assets on a clean break basis and for there to be no spousal maintenance payable by either. If the land is worth a pittance and the home is worth a lot, I’d accept a modest lump sum that husband can use for a deposit on a home and that way his needs would be met.

No qualified solicitor would advise that the husband gets half the home in this scenario. It wouldn’t happen.

Sounds like he works his parents farm. Those are farm hours. Dairy farm maybe?

It doesn't matter what who put in, he will be entitled to half as you are married.
50/50 is usually the starting point regarding custody, though not with a child as young as 6 weeks.

No. Completely wrong advice. This shows that you need to see a solicitor, OP. He is highly unlikely to get half of the OP’s house in these circumstances. Nor is there a starting point of 50/50 for child contact.

What circumstances? He hasn't moved out nor is he legally required to as it is his house too.
50/50 is a starting point for fathers who request this and it is becoming more common. Of course it doesn't mean he will get it. OP has factors in her favour.

He's a parasite moonlighting as a farmer.

He currently has a right to occupy. He is not an owner. Your spouses assets do not become yours on marriage. The court takes into account wide range of factors when dividing assets and the following is highly relevant:
Short marriage
House entirely owned before marriage
No contribution by husband including none to childcare
No intermingling of finances as OP paid for everything
OP as primary carer
Husband also has pre-marital property in the form of land
No financial dependence by husband on OP
No relationship disadvantage suffered by husband as a result of marriage

Not true with the 50/50 - it’s based on what is best for the children. He is permanently at work so couldn’t do 50/50.

OP should be right as rain then unless he refuses to move out? Matrimonial Home Rights: What Are They & When Do They End? | Lawhive

Yes that’s the right to occupy I was talking about. Eventually he will have to move out and matrimonial home rights terminate on divorce anyway. He won’t leave with the marriage with nothing. He will either keep his own property or (depending on the values of the properties) get a modest lump sum in addition. But half of an entirely pre-acquired asset to which he has contributed nothing (even if he has lived in it for two short years)? No chance.

But to be going out and farming all night, back home then out to work all day doesn’t seem right at all. I can understand it harvesting season but not every night. V strange

Farming.

does everyone think farming is 9-5?!

Livestock don’t own watches.

I understand your worries but please divorce him. Then move far away so he won't be able to see the kids or his awful parents see them. He's no father. He'll soon give up on them.

Sounds like you are married to a Dairy farmer?

If you are not from a farming background it's a tough lifestyle to live with, and I know quite a few marriages in a similar position to yours.

His family will own everything although with the new inheritance tax laws changing for agricultural properties soon they may want to sign the farm over before they come in to avoid inheritance tax.

don't rush into anything or do anything rash, arrange a telephone consultation with a divorce lawyer who has agricultural experience to advise you properly of your rights and risks

Good luck

No it isn’t…

Does he have two full time jobs? Why is he not contributing anything to the household?

I don’t blame you for divorcing, I couldn’t live with this level of secrecy!

I feel for you OP.

However, reading this -

" has anyone been through divorce with very young children? If so how did you cope with the guilt? My life would 100% be easier divorced, but I’m worried how selfish I’m being and the long term affect on them"

I got divorced when my son was 6 months old. It wasn't easy but I was lucky to have family help, even abroad.

I recently. last year, "apologised'' to my son (now an adult) for giving him a crap father (not a cent in alimony, abuse during the marriage) - you know what he said?

Hey mum, I was talking about this with my friends and one said "Well, some dads who are around anyway are total crap too".

That put it all into perspective.

Wishing you all the best in the future.

P.S. Your husband and his family sound ultra weird, even dangerous with the seat-belt, baby seats situation.

Get your kids away from them. And protect your assets. They are you and your kids' future.

Your home insurance should have legal cover included, so get advice from a solicitor as soon as possible. You will not get accurate advice from Mumsnet.

Seek proper legal advice as well as independent financial advice. Most family lawyers will give you a free initial consultation, so have all of your facts and figures ready to make effective use of that time. Consult as many law firms as you can and pick one that feels right for you. Act swiftly as time is not on your side.