The father of my son is being disloyal to his new girlfriend. Do I tell her?

[Bigmothahen]

In need of other's opinions as I'm in a moral conundrum!

For context, my ex never wanted another child and changed from a genuine charming person to an irate, angry man when I told him I was pregnant. Attempting to be considerate, I told him I would not expect any money or support from him. Fast forward 6 months into my pregnancy, he admits he can't continue with the relationship and leaves. I understand and respect his wishes and we cease contact.

He attempted to contact me a couple of months later and again when my son was born. I eventually engaged in conversation with him again. His messages are flirtatious and many are sexual and explicit. I don't reciprocate as I have no intent on getting back into a relationship with this man, but I'm aware it'd be nice if he changed his mind and wanted to be in baby's life. Fast forward a matter of days, he decides he definitely doesn't want to be in baby's life and we cease contact in a civil manner.

Now here's my issue. Eventually it comes to light that this man has been in a relationship since he split with me... An established relationship announced on social media. I didn't see because I was blocked long before I knew about it and found out through friends. This whole time, he's been with this poor lady who's completely oblivious to his disloyalty to her and his messages to me. He never once mentioned this lady and made it clear he was "single".

If it were me, I know I'd want to know if my partner was being disloyal messaging others inappropriately and pretending to be single... But that's me.

So help me out... Do I leave this lady to be ignorant to this information? Or do I attempt to contact her to inform her that her partner has been disloyal to her? What would you do?

He lied about the infertility to get out of using condoms. He's the father. Go to the CMS and stop pandering to him.

I agree.
He is just tas responsible as you.
Please file for child maintenance your child needs the money. Even if you didn't use a penny of it you could put it all in an ISA for it.

For context, even if he pays £450 that's only about £14 a day - for 24 hour round the clock care for your child and all their food and clothing and housing, he's got himself a bargain.

The person who made the mistake about needing contraception is him.

The only thing that would stop me claiming is the fact the man is an arse and I would want to keep him a mile away from my child.

You must prioritise the wellbeing of your child and yourself. Usually that would mean CMS and a parenting relationship with child’s dad.

In this case I’m less sure as he’s a lying cheater who neither wants nor cares about the child. Best kept at a distance.

I’d let mutual friends do the telling, I think. You aren’t the only person who knows about you and her. It isn’t your responsibility.

I wouldn’t say about the flirting but maybe a heads up that she could get pregnant too. Is there a risk of birth defects in female fetuses with testosterone use in fathers? I don’t know, I’d stay out of it altogether.

Absolutely stay out of it. You will put yourself right in the middle of drama. At the moment your ex doesn't want a relationship with his son, but that could change, and you may need to co-parent with him in the future. His current partner will find out herself eventually. If you were to tell her, she's likely to disbelieve you and your ex will worm his way out of it by painting you as the 'crazy ex'. It's really not worth involving yourself.

I was originally from the "stay well out of it" camp. But after your updates, I think maybe an anonymous email. He could be doing the same to her and your email could help her avoid becoming pregnant to this bellend. The steroid use probably explains the change to the angry irate man.
Life lesson for the future - if a man tells you they are "probably infertile because xyz" unless that "xyz" is "I've had a vasectomy" don't assume it is true.

He talked you into unprotected sex by lying about his fertility. That could be classed as rape. He's vile, stay far away from him. And you really need to claim CMS. Your child legally deserves financial support from both parents. If he didn't want to have the responsibility of a child he should have used a condom.

It sounds like you were the other woman and that’s why he didn’t want to knock you up.

Having payments for the child from his father should be your focus not some silly dilemma as to whether to speak up his girlfriend.

You seem to have your priories messed up.

Harsh way of putting it but you're right - the priority should be ensuring baby has funds for his future. Others seem to agree with this and honestly I didn't even consider it. I was more focused on father's financial loss rather than my son's, and that definitely should be the other way around. I've now applied through CMS, so thank you (all) for giving me the kick up the arse I needed.

To clarify about his new relationship - the relationship was announced publicly immediately AFTER his split with me so although I am positive there was overlap near the end of ours, I know they didn't even know each other at the time I got pregnant.

You are wise to claim CMS. That alone will preoccupy him and possibly throw a grenade into his new relationship.

As far as telling the new supply anything, I’d stay out of it. Behave with dignity.

She’ll find out soon enough. These things have a habit of getting out so be patient, cool calm and collected.

Certainly life lesson learned! Yes, it did occur to me that potentially he's told his new girlfriend the same thing.. especially since he said to me that other women he'd been with have "lied" about getting pregnant by him.

I fear even if I attempt to contact her anonymously, she'd share it with him and he'd know straight away it'd be me reaching out to her. As others have said, I don't want to be portrayed as that "crazy ex"... I think potentially reaching out anonymously would look bad on my part as if I had something to hide? It's a tricky situation. I'm hoping he'd have learnt his lesson and is using protection now at least so he doesn't do the same thing to her! :/

Not your business as all. Keep out of it.

Agree. And OP didn't intend to get pregnant either. Both are responsible and should both contribute.

Actually the one thing I would do, is make sure she knows he’s fertile. Via an intermediary if possible.

I’m a bit surprised you are still assuming he is a responsible man who would avoid making someone pregnant. Apart from his words, what gives you that impression?

Thank you. Throwing a grenade into their relationship certainly isn't my intention - I do feel bad for his new girlfriend though as he's taken her for a mug. If he had any respect for her then he wouldn't have contacted me or spoken to me in the way he did. She deserves better. I know from experience that he sells himself well and she will be completely smitten just like I initially was. Let's just hope he grows up and makes a change for the better so he doesn't hurt her too!

I shall behave with dignity, as you say. If it all eventually comes out, it certainly won't be from my lips.

The women who he said lied about getting pregnant apparently told him they had aborted. Whether they legitimately did, I'll never know. But he seems to think that's a form of contraception in itself and I can only hope he has learnt his lesson from me choosing to keep my baby, so you'd hope he'd use protection with his new girlfriend.

As others say, if I reach out whether it be from my own socials or anonymously, I'm worried I'd be painted as that crazy ex by him and it's drama I could do without. I do think she should know he's fertile just in case he's said to her that he's infertile... It's conveying that message in a way that doesn't lead back to me that seems to be an issue.

This is utterly ridiculous.
When you take off your pants, you know a child can come of it. Simple.
Neither of you intended to have a child. Yet you're paying for it, aren't you?

“ knock you up “ such a vile description of when someone falls pregnant ..

'Falls pregnant ' is a slightly strange term as well as it implies an accident, though perhaps it's appropriate in this case.

As a parent you have to do the right thing for your child. The right thing to do as a responsible parent is:

1. Get him to pay for his child
2. Stay out of anything relating to his other relationships. You two will be parenting together for the rest of your lives

This makes no sense. He can’t just trick you into him being infertile and then you say the child wasn’t expected?! He must have know what would happen! This seems to me a form of abuse towards you

Stay out of it. He could make life hell.

On the financial point, I'm already second guessing my application to CMS... I may ring up to withdraw it. I honestly think he'd do everything in his power to make my life difficult out of anger of me going against my initial word regarding a financial contribution towards his son. As others have said, a decent human would offer to financially assist... The very fact he hasn't speaks volumes in how little he cares. I do think it'd open a can of worms I'm not ready for. With him caring so little there's no limit to how much he could attempt to fuck us up if I go against my word.