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Original poster

The father of my son is being disloyal to his new girlfriend. Do I tell her?

68 replies

Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 21:51

In need of other's opinions as I'm in a moral conundrum!

For context, my ex never wanted another child and changed from a genuine charming person to an irate, angry man when I told him I was pregnant. Attempting to be considerate, I told him I would not expect any money or support from him. Fast forward 6 months into my pregnancy, he admits he can't continue with the relationship and leaves. I understand and respect his wishes and we cease contact.

He attempted to contact me a couple of months later and again when my son was born. I eventually engaged in conversation with him again. His messages are flirtatious and many are sexual and explicit. I don't reciprocate as I have no intent on getting back into a relationship with this man, but I'm aware it'd be nice if he changed his mind and wanted to be in baby's life. Fast forward a matter of days, he decides he definitely doesn't want to be in baby's life and we cease contact in a civil manner.

Now here's my issue. Eventually it comes to light that this man has been in a relationship since he split with me... An established relationship announced on social media. I didn't see because I was blocked long before I knew about it and found out through friends. This whole time, he's been with this poor lady who's completely oblivious to his disloyalty to her and his messages to me. He never once mentioned this lady and made it clear he was "single".

If it were me, I know I'd want to know if my partner was being disloyal messaging others inappropriately and pretending to be single... But that's me.

So help me out... Do I leave this lady to be ignorant to this information? Or do I attempt to contact her to inform her that her partner has been disloyal to her? What would you do?

OP posts:
Plantladylover · 17/07/2025 21:52

Nothing. Keep out of it. None of your business

Biids · 17/07/2025 21:54

Be grateful to this other woman that she’s taking this utter dickhead off your hands.

And don’t tell her. You should probably not aggravate the relationship you have with your child’s father any further.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 17/07/2025 21:55

Nope. You are his ex, the mother of his baby and unwittingly his affair partner. Don’t add messenger to the mix, we all know what happens there.

Your loyalty is to your son. Don’t do anything that could make his life harder than it needs to be.

Withdjsns · 17/07/2025 21:55

I wouldn’t; he’ll paint you as being the crazy lying ex. There may be a future when your child wants contact with its dad and this will only lead to that being even more complicated than it currently is

whynotmereally · 17/07/2025 22:06

Absolutely not stay out of it

EllasNonny · 17/07/2025 22:10

I agree with PP, but why on earth have you let him off financially?

TwinklyNight · 17/07/2025 22:16

Don't contact her. Do contact family services and apply for support for the child. She realize then what a worm he is.

Original poster
Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 22:19

EllasNonny · 17/07/2025 22:10

I agree with PP, but why on earth have you let him off financially?

I've let him off financially because when we were friends prior to our relationship together (I've known him for 4 years) he said he didn't want more children. He said he was infertile (me being naive I believed him!)

When we became very close in our relationship, we slept together unprotected because of his "infertile state" so my pregnancy was unexpected for him. I thought it unfair to have him pay for a child he never intended to have.

OP posts:
Eric1964 · 17/07/2025 22:27

@Bigmothahen "I thought it unfair to have him pay for a child he never intended to have."

If he were a half-decent man, he'd be demanding to pay you.

BennyBee · 17/07/2025 22:43

But this is a child that you never intended to have either? You are pregnant because he was not honest about his fertility. Whatever anyone's intentions, you made this child together and he should take his share of the responsibility for it.

As for your question, no, you should not say anything because there is nothing to say. He flirted a bit, maybe? Is it worth ruining your relationship with your child's father over? Or are you not admitting to yourself that you actually want him back and so hope to break them up?

Theunamedcat · 17/07/2025 22:46

How did he claim to be infertile? Does he claim this with his girlfriend?

GreenCandleWax · 17/07/2025 22:54

Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 22:19

I've let him off financially because when we were friends prior to our relationship together (I've known him for 4 years) he said he didn't want more children. He said he was infertile (me being naive I believed him!)

When we became very close in our relationship, we slept together unprotected because of his "infertile state" so my pregnancy was unexpected for him. I thought it unfair to have him pay for a child he never intended to have.

Show quote history

But it was grossly unfair for him to tell you he was infertile and put you at risk of pregnancy. What if you didn't want to be pregnant? He has imposed all the responsibility for your DC on you, whether you like it or not. Why on earth would you not expect him to take responsibility, even if it is only financial? That is the least he can do.

Lighteningstrikes · 17/07/2025 22:55

”he didn’t want more children…”

How could he have been infertile if he already had children?

In answer to your question, no keep completely out of it.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/07/2025 23:03

Claim CMS

Stay out of it. If you don't want any support from him then just block him. There's no need for you to stay in touch

Original poster
Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 23:04

BennyBee · 17/07/2025 22:43

But this is a child that you never intended to have either? You are pregnant because he was not honest about his fertility. Whatever anyone's intentions, you made this child together and he should take his share of the responsibility for it.

As for your question, no, you should not say anything because there is nothing to say. He flirted a bit, maybe? Is it worth ruining your relationship with your child's father over? Or are you not admitting to yourself that you actually want him back and so hope to break them up?

My pregnancy was not intentional, but that's not to say not wanted. My ex knew I wanted children in the future and said he'd consider having children in the future with me, so I was rather taken back with the extreme extent of how upset he was when I told him I was expecting.

Flirting a "bit" I'd argue is forgivable, but sexting and admitting his fake single status is totally unacceptable to me. It's the fact he kept ALL our couple photos in a backup folder on his phone too and even went as far as to resend them all to me to prove this... Not normal behavior in my opinion!

My ex and I don't have any form of relationship at all so there's nothing to ruin. He said he wanted no part in the end and we left it at that. I admit I miss the nice person he used to be - certainly not the emotionally irate man he eventually came to be so I don't want him back.

The post was more in regards to what was morally the right thing to do for the lady he's now with. Everyone believes staying quiet about his disloyal actions is the best thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 23:11

Theunamedcat · 17/07/2025 22:46

How did he claim to be infertile? Does he claim this with his girlfriend?

He said he struggled to conceive his first child with his ex (he has two) and said after years of steroid use, it would be virtually impossible for him to get me pregnant. When I found out I was expecting, he said he'd been with 2 other women who had "lied" about being pregnant... Seems more than likely that they didn't lie after all and he liked to believe he was infertile for the sake of better sex... Baffling isn't it!

OP posts:
fraughtcouture · 17/07/2025 23:11

why did you think he was infertile if he already had children and discussed (not) having more in the future? What kind of infertility was he possibly claiming to have?!

HopscotchBanana · 17/07/2025 23:13

Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 23:04

My pregnancy was not intentional, but that's not to say not wanted. My ex knew I wanted children in the future and said he'd consider having children in the future with me, so I was rather taken back with the extreme extent of how upset he was when I told him I was expecting.

Flirting a "bit" I'd argue is forgivable, but sexting and admitting his fake single status is totally unacceptable to me. It's the fact he kept ALL our couple photos in a backup folder on his phone too and even went as far as to resend them all to me to prove this... Not normal behavior in my opinion!

My ex and I don't have any form of relationship at all so there's nothing to ruin. He said he wanted no part in the end and we left it at that. I admit I miss the nice person he used to be - certainly not the emotionally irate man he eventually came to be so I don't want him back.

The post was more in regards to what was morally the right thing to do for the lady he's now with. Everyone believes staying quiet about his disloyal actions is the best thing to do.

Show quote history

So he was infertile but already had children but also you were planning your potential future children at one point.

This story doesn't add up from his side or yours. Leave him alone. You are simply cross now you've discovered that you turned out to be a side chick and want to ruin his relationship.

The only thing that matters is being a good mother to your child, that you knew well in advance was of conception would not be wanted by the father. You chose to have the baby, your body, your choice, your consequences. Leave him alone. You'll only achieve having zero chance of this "hero" being in your son's life. Oh and put in a claim for CMS.

MightlySlad · 17/07/2025 23:13

Against the grain. I'd tell her.. anonymity being something, make a fake fb account or email address or something.

She may shoot the messenger and you don't need any aggro from him. But she deserves to know the truth about him IMO.

Original poster
Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 23:16

fraughtcouture · 17/07/2025 23:11

why did you think he was infertile if he already had children and discussed (not) having more in the future? What kind of infertility was he possibly claiming to have?!

He took steroids when he was younger and told me he struggled to conceive with his ex partner due to this, so stopped taking them in order to have their first child. During the time we were together he started steroids again on a massively increased dosage, so he assumed he would be infertile (which we now know obviously is not the case!)

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 17/07/2025 23:18

My ex is still doing this to 3 years later to me! He has a girlfriend too..well he’s demoted her to FWB now but still grim.

ETA: I’ve changed my opinion on keeping out, I’d do what Pp suggested and tell her anonymously.

Original poster
Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 23:28

HopscotchBanana · 17/07/2025 23:13

So he was infertile but already had children but also you were planning your potential future children at one point.

This story doesn't add up from his side or yours. Leave him alone. You are simply cross now you've discovered that you turned out to be a side chick and want to ruin his relationship.

The only thing that matters is being a good mother to your child, that you knew well in advance was of conception would not be wanted by the father. You chose to have the baby, your body, your choice, your consequences. Leave him alone. You'll only achieve having zero chance of this "hero" being in your son's life. Oh and put in a claim for CMS.

Show quote history

I've wrote on a couple of posts now explaining the infertility part (steroid use, stopped them to conceive with his then partner, went back on them while we were together for a long time on a very high dosage which is meant to massively decrease sperm count). Of course any future children would have been done through IVF (but clearly off the table now!)

Don't get me wrong - I'm hurt he got into a relationship immediately after leaving me, because it suggests there was some crossover with his new girlfriend and that understandably is difficult for me... But I don't want to ruin their relationship. His new girlfriend is ignorant to the fact I even exist so for her sake it seems kinder to keep quiet (most seem in the same boat!)

I agree with your last point. 100% this baby was my choice and I was aware he didn't want a baby, but it's also for that reason I won't claim anything from him financially. It doesn't seem morally right is all.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 17/07/2025 23:38

Bigmothahen · 17/07/2025 21:51

In need of other's opinions as I'm in a moral conundrum!

For context, my ex never wanted another child and changed from a genuine charming person to an irate, angry man when I told him I was pregnant. Attempting to be considerate, I told him I would not expect any money or support from him. Fast forward 6 months into my pregnancy, he admits he can't continue with the relationship and leaves. I understand and respect his wishes and we cease contact.

He attempted to contact me a couple of months later and again when my son was born. I eventually engaged in conversation with him again. His messages are flirtatious and many are sexual and explicit. I don't reciprocate as I have no intent on getting back into a relationship with this man, but I'm aware it'd be nice if he changed his mind and wanted to be in baby's life. Fast forward a matter of days, he decides he definitely doesn't want to be in baby's life and we cease contact in a civil manner.

Now here's my issue. Eventually it comes to light that this man has been in a relationship since he split with me... An established relationship announced on social media. I didn't see because I was blocked long before I knew about it and found out through friends. This whole time, he's been with this poor lady who's completely oblivious to his disloyalty to her and his messages to me. He never once mentioned this lady and made it clear he was "single".

If it were me, I know I'd want to know if my partner was being disloyal messaging others inappropriately and pretending to be single... But that's me.

So help me out... Do I leave this lady to be ignorant to this information? Or do I attempt to contact her to inform her that her partner has been disloyal to her? What would you do?

Ok , so I’d say we can all agree here on this thread , this guy is a DICK !
He led you to believe he was infertile, & then cops out of all responsibility when you fall pregnant , like ffs !!! & you feel he shouldn’t have to support his child financially ..
What kind of a decent man doesn’t support his child & feels he shouldn’t …
The first class prick type , that’s who …
With regard to telling the woman he is with now that he would cheat in a heart beat ..
Ah , nope , be glad you’re not with him & let them at it ….

Namechangerage · 17/07/2025 23:45

FFS op, of course it is morally right for your child’s dad to pay for his child. Even if you just put it in a savings account!! Get a grip please.

No don’t say anything about the inappropriate messages, not your business.

Zanatdy · 18/07/2025 06:07

He should be paying for his child. Even if you don’t need this money now, save it for your child’s future. You’re a mug if you just let him off as he didn’t want a child. He was lying to you about being infertile, gets you pregnant and then you say oh don’t worry, i’ll just shoulder all of the financial cost of raising this child for 18yrs. Get onto CMS and make him pay for his child, one of many by the sounds of it.

Personally i’d stay well away from advising anyone about cheating partners.

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