I’ll try not to let this get to long. Readers try not to facepalm too much whilst reading it. What an idiot I have been.
I met my husband in my early 20s. Whirlwind romance, deeply in love, married within a year.
This meant me moving to his country as he works in and was set to inherit the family business.
His parents were very strange from the start, abusive and incredibly unwelcoming. We lived in a mobile home in their garden temporarily. This turned into 5 years and two children later.
His father said H could have a derelict cottage he owned if H paid to renovate it. It was just a ruined shell. We jumped at the chance to get out of the mobile home. H had always refused to rent somewhere instead of the mobile home - it was cheap, near to his parents and work, etc etc. It was horrendous to live in. Damp, no proper bed, crawling with spiders. It was miserable, especially through pregnancies and with babies and toddlers.
Living in his country was awful. I didn’t speak the language, and the locals hate the English. When I did go to classes to try learn the language, they would just answer me in English anyway so I gave up.
I tried SO hard to integrate and so hard with his parents. They were vile to me. I won’t go into all of that.
After the first year H started to work away more, setting up his own branch of the business and often being away for weeks at a time. I would see no one but the children. He wouldn’t discuss moving - ‘the cottage will be done soon’ ‘we can’t afford it’ ‘my dad will disown me.’
Anyway by year 5 the cottage was complete. Cost us about £180k and beautiful, but FIL promised H it would be ours. Only he never actually changed the deeds. I knew he never intended to but H would get very angry when I suggested this.
By year 8/9 I was thoroughly miserable. I lived next to absolutely vile in laws, I had no real friends, I only saw the children really. I decided to retrain and gave H an ultimatum. I needed the means to go to university, or I was out. He agreed to us hiring a nanny to cover me doing a full time course. He offered no further help or support. Due to the extreme remote location, retraining was hard and long hours, but I did it. I got a first and got my dream job.
One year in to my degree he had an affair. He claims he didn’t, only hugged her and just felt sorry for her. But I found the messages he’d sent telling her he loved her etc.
He was so sorry, so regretful, so contrite. Promised to cut all contact and that he loved me. Then a week later was still texting her. I should have left then but I didn’t.
I had a breakdown last year. It was all too much, the whole situation, the relentless years bringing up all the kids alone, living next to his family who systematically bullied me. I took 3 months off work and had extensive counselling. H was no support at all. He said nice things. But refused to take even one afternoon off work, even when I was feeling close to suicidal and couldn’t get out of bed. Just left me with the kids. It was awful for them. I couldn’t even look after myself.
My amazing counsellor and friends from my new job got me through. Not him. I realised I needed to move back to England.
I told him this and he said he’d move to further away from his parents but not move country. It was a start. We went to look at houses and even offered on one, but he maintained throughout that he hoped they would refuse it as he didn’t want to live there anyway. Kept saying he would move, then rejected every house.
I said I was moving back to England. Started looking for a house. Then through a friend we were offered the most amazing house and business premises for H. In the place I grew up, with all my old friends.
We took it. Life for me has improved dramatically. But I have realised that he is just turning into his father over again. His father moved into our cottage when we left and refused to pay H a penny. So we lost near on £200k. He has tried to poison H against me. H listens to him.
H is obviously carrying a lot of trauma from the situation (he has indeed been disowned for moving) and from his abusive childhood.
He is unable to be a caring husband or father. He cannot understand even the simplest emotions. He seems emotionally dead, and says he feels it. I have suggested counselling but he won’t do it.
I am just exhausted. I have wasted 15 years of my life and for nothing. I don’t think he ever did care.
Well done if you got this far. Thank you.