I have been a fool - what do I do now?

[DoublePoppy]

I’ll try not to let this get to long. Readers try not to facepalm too much whilst reading it. What an idiot I have been.

I met my husband in my early 20s. Whirlwind romance, deeply in love, married within a year.
This meant me moving to his country as he works in and was set to inherit the family business.
His parents were very strange from the start, abusive and incredibly unwelcoming. We lived in a mobile home in their garden temporarily. This turned into 5 years and two children later.
His father said H could have a derelict cottage he owned if H paid to renovate it. It was just a ruined shell. We jumped at the chance to get out of the mobile home. H had always refused to rent somewhere instead of the mobile home - it was cheap, near to his parents and work, etc etc. It was horrendous to live in. Damp, no proper bed, crawling with spiders. It was miserable, especially through pregnancies and with babies and toddlers.

Living in his country was awful. I didn’t speak the language, and the locals hate the English. When I did go to classes to try learn the language, they would just answer me in English anyway so I gave up.
I tried SO hard to integrate and so hard with his parents. They were vile to me. I won’t go into all of that.

After the first year H started to work away more, setting up his own branch of the business and often being away for weeks at a time. I would see no one but the children. He wouldn’t discuss moving - ‘the cottage will be done soon’ ‘we can’t afford it’ ‘my dad will disown me.’

Anyway by year 5 the cottage was complete. Cost us about £180k and beautiful, but FIL promised H it would be ours. Only he never actually changed the deeds. I knew he never intended to but H would get very angry when I suggested this.

By year 8/9 I was thoroughly miserable. I lived next to absolutely vile in laws, I had no real friends, I only saw the children really. I decided to retrain and gave H an ultimatum. I needed the means to go to university, or I was out. He agreed to us hiring a nanny to cover me doing a full time course. He offered no further help or support. Due to the extreme remote location, retraining was hard and long hours, but I did it. I got a first and got my dream job.

One year in to my degree he had an affair. He claims he didn’t, only hugged her and just felt sorry for her. But I found the messages he’d sent telling her he loved her etc.
He was so sorry, so regretful, so contrite. Promised to cut all contact and that he loved me. Then a week later was still texting her. I should have left then but I didn’t.

I had a breakdown last year. It was all too much, the whole situation, the relentless years bringing up all the kids alone, living next to his family who systematically bullied me. I took 3 months off work and had extensive counselling. H was no support at all. He said nice things. But refused to take even one afternoon off work, even when I was feeling close to suicidal and couldn’t get out of bed. Just left me with the kids. It was awful for them. I couldn’t even look after myself.

My amazing counsellor and friends from my new job got me through. Not him. I realised I needed to move back to England.

I told him this and he said he’d move to further away from his parents but not move country. It was a start. We went to look at houses and even offered on one, but he maintained throughout that he hoped they would refuse it as he didn’t want to live there anyway. Kept saying he would move, then rejected every house.

I said I was moving back to England. Started looking for a house. Then through a friend we were offered the most amazing house and business premises for H. In the place I grew up, with all my old friends.

We took it. Life for me has improved dramatically. But I have realised that he is just turning into his father over again. His father moved into our cottage when we left and refused to pay H a penny. So we lost near on £200k. He has tried to poison H against me. H listens to him.

H is obviously carrying a lot of trauma from the situation (he has indeed been disowned for moving) and from his abusive childhood.
He is unable to be a caring husband or father. He cannot understand even the simplest emotions. He seems emotionally dead, and says he feels it. I have suggested counselling but he won’t do it.

I am just exhausted. I have wasted 15 years of my life and for nothing. I don’t think he ever did care.

Well done if you got this far. Thank you.

It's says the dc were born in Britain

I'm always surprised when I encounter people who doesn't understand this.

How old are you OP? Based on your timeline, you must still be in your 40s..?

It sounds like the marriage is over. You both want out. There’s no shame in that. It’s just logistics now to make it happen.

You’re making a lot of assumptions about his access to the children and whether your in-laws will be allowed access to them. Really you need to go and get some proper legal advice to figure out where you stand. The Court will prioritise the needs of the children so if there are concerns about abusive grandparents you can ask the court to order that they are not to have contact.

You have a house, a job and friends around you. You’re in a good position to go it alone. I suspect he’s rather knocked the confidence out of you.

You’ve spent 20 years being miserable. Don’t spend the next 20 years doing the same. You’ve got a long life ahead of you.

Yes really, I’m ok to be told I’m
a big idiot here for not understanding 😁
I’m wondering, because fully Gaelteacht areas are mainly small areas and are surrounded by English speaking areas. Unless she lived on one of the islands, could she not have shopped or made friends in the next town over, or 10 minutes away? I don’t think the only one struggling to understand this language issue but I do totally understand that his parents were horrible to her and she was made feel like an outsider because she was English.

To the OP, why your PIL have access to your children if you divorce? They won’t have any more access than they do now? You are in England now and away from them. I hope you are ok. Sounds like a terrible time you have had but still managed to come out of it with a university degree, that’s amazing x

@3luckystars you're not a big idiot!
I'm just surprised that you're not aware of areas in Ireland that don't speak English as their first language.

It would seem obvious to me that he returns to Ireland/his parents and your children visit in school holidays, as he’s not overly invested/caring anyway.

You’re half way there to a new life, you’ve done your degree (very well done) got a job, made friends - you’ll do that again and you’re back home.

It’s easy to look and say so get rid of him but I know in practice it feels impossible.

It’s not 15 years wasted, it’s time you loved him, time you’ve learnt more about yourself and of course you have your DC.

Indeed. Even Gaelteachts are 30 min drive from somewhere...

Look you are back in England....

Focus on your earnings and living your own life.
Stop getting dogs as they arent going to make leaving any easier.

I'd look to separate either now or if o was waiting id have a clock on it. Approx for your youngest to be 6.
Have them established in schools and you stay in the UK he can do what he liked.

The kids can go over for a few weeks in the summer a week at Easter and maybe a few days near Xmas.

I am aware of them, I’m an Irish speaker. 😁 But they are very small areas, and any I have been to, you could get to an English speaking area 5 minutes away. English speaking areas surround them.

Im just wondering if people started purposely speaking Irish around her. which is awful but possible.

The whole thing is terrible but I’m glad she loved home now, and would not look on anything as a waste. 10 years rent would amount to a lot and she also had her children and got a degree so there is not point looking back regretting something she had no control
over.

Yes, i am living in a Galeltacht area too...and there is English everywhere (unfortunately)...and that's not me taking a dig at anyone personally, but how a language is generally under siege.

To the OP, why your PIL have access to your children if you divorce? They won’t have any more access than they do now?

Because as her husband is enmeshed with his family it’s likely he’d go straight back there and possibly live with them, if not spend most his time with them, so his kids would too when they stay with him.

Well he’s never put you first or treated you like an equal so don’t expect that to change. I get how hard it can be to even start imagining how you can find your own place with two children and two dogs but that’s the only way you’ll move on.
How old are the DC? How do you manage childcare? What’s the current work situation? Do you have family you can rely on? Sounds like DH has no money if his family have shafted him and he lives in tied accommodation but he can stay there without you. Is there any family money at all?
Rehome the dogs. That can be the explosion that starts off this next phase if he will kick off about it.

You unfortunately picked a mammys boy who came from a small minded arrogant family that thinks there above others.. plenty of them types in Ireland my mother married into one, inlaws didn't speak to her for years because they said she wasn't good enough etc
Lots if small irish community's still speak irish in Ireland I know because I'm from one

So sorry, sounds awful. Take some Irish legal advice about the house, if it’s similar to UK law then you’d have an equitable claim on the house.

OP it is time to get tough here. At some point he needs to stop blaming his parents and take responsibility for himself. Stop enabling his behaviour because all that’s going to happen is your children’s partners will be saying the same thing about your children in 30 years. Is that what you want? If he is not prepared to break the cycle then you need to for the sake of yourself and your children.

Find new accommodation that isn’t linked to his work and leave him to it.

I'm English living in England, but it's obvious to me that this isn't about whether you can go and find people in a shop down the road who speak English, it's about the DH's family deliberately excluding OP by speaking a language around her at home that she didn't understand, whilst not supporting her in any way to learn it. OP has already explained that she was stuck with the children in a mobile home in the grandparents' garden. I would have found it very difficult to make friends if the reality was that I had no way of hosting them and their children!

Im just wondering if people started purposely speaking Irish around her. which is awful but possible.
Yes this is what I was thinking. It doesn't matter if people can and do speak English in an area. If they deliberately switch to Irish around you but equally don't help you learn their language then they are basically telling you that you aren't welcome.

By up north I assume you are referring to Donegal.

There is no Gaeltacht in NI. My brother went to Loughanure (far west of Donegal) as part of his Irish GCSE course. Since learnt that it is right next to Gweedore where Enya is from.

Amazed OP said they "hate the English". I think it's more they are wary of outsiders as these remote Irish speaking areas are staunch in retaining their identity and don't like it being diluted (language death is a constant concern). Communities in the Scottish islands have a similar outlook towards outsiders by all accounts.

I could never live in a Gaeltacht area so I cannot imagine how harder it would be for a non Irish person to live there.

You find similar patche in Wales - and as an outsider it is incredibly isolating.

I have read this before? About the renovations, abusive parents etc?

@Anonymousopinions
Edited to add, I think all the discussion around language is detailing the post. (Sorry to contribute too it, just wanted to validate the OP's experience against scepticism.) OP, I think you should ask yourself where happiness lies for you. You deserve to follow it. His trauma is not your responsibility ultimately.

Thank you.
Is his trauma not my responsibility though? I just don’t know any more. I keep thinking of making the vow ‘for better, for worse’ and then I feel like I can’t abandon him.

I’ve read through the rest of the replies but I can’t respond. I am just exhausted with it. The relentless picking apart is just too much.

Advice for the future - if there is a very upset and defeated OP, but you think that small inconsequential parts of the story aren’t 100% right, maybe consider that they might change small inconsequential parts to try and make it less outing and therefore limit risk of added trauma in RL.

This was my last hope really for a bit of support. I don’t know where to turn now. I lost most of my friends when I wasn’t in England, it’s a long time and you grow apart. I have lots of new and old friends now, but none I could really go in and discuss something this big with.

OP you deserve better. ❤️ Please don't sink into the defeat, you can do this.

And as for marriage vows, these are dual. At its heart, marriage is a legal construct. If you were in any other contract where only one party was upholding it's obligations, it'd be an easy answer.

Ties of love, obligation, years of neglect have clouded this for you. Those of us outside of the relationship see it clearly from your description. Choose happiness. For you, for your children. You are their role model - if they were in this situation how fiercely would you rally to save them? Apply that protective instinct towards yourself.

We are rooting for you.

What’s your relationship like with your Mum? Tell her everything and go to her for support x

His trauma is not your responsibility, of course it isn't.
He's a grown adult who could ensure that he doesn't take out his bad temper ("trauma") on his family. He can decide to respect his family. I bet he manages his trauma enough for his interactions with other people, just not you.
OP you need to get out of this and seek happiness for yourself... please get legal advice.
And I'm sorry your posts were picked apart by some. But there is a lot of good advice here.

With which money he renovated the cottage which is in Ireland? From his business salary given to him by his father or some of your salary as well....?

Do you have any savings to try to divorce and move on. This man is a tragical case and is never going to want to dislocate from his father's abuse. He left his father but the abuse has not left him, so he now keeps abusing you and even the dogs

Op it sounds really tough but you can do this.

I think you do need to accept that your priority needs to be yourself and the DC and that if that means leaving your H then do be it. He is a grown up and he can sort himself out.

I don’t think he is a particularly nice person and I think a lot of the things he is doing are to keep you trapped and exhausted so you don’t leave. The dogs for instance.

Please reach out to womens aid. Also take a moment to work out how much time your H actually spends with the DC. It sounds like the most likely outcome is that he will disappear from their lives or do the bare minimum.

I really believe that you can do this. You can move on and have a happy life