How to find biological parent

[Findingdad]

Long story short, my biological father split from my mum shortly after I was born and there’s been no contact since. I’ve thought about trying to trace him a few times over the years but it’s never been the right time. However he’d now be approaching his 70s (if he’s still alive) so it feels like now or never.

I know very little about him apart from his name (which unfortunately is not unusual), rough age and where he grew up. I’ve tried the various DNA match services but no joy and I don’t really know where else to try.

Has anyone been in this situation & might have some advice? I’m well aware that he might not be open to this and I might not like what I find, but I’m prepared. As a side note my biological mum is still alive but knows about as much as me.

No advice but will follow with interest as I am in almost the same situation .

Have you tried local Facebook pages? Do you have any photos all? That would maybe be worth a try if you haven’t already, I’ve seen it a few times on our local pages and I know a couple of them have later posted to say success!

@Mrsttcno1 I have considered that but it feels too public. For all I know he may have gone on to have other children who possibly don’t know I exist & I don’t want them to find out via Facebook. The split with my mum
was complicated & they were really young so I don’t bare him any ill will, and potentially outing him on FB feels unfair.

When you say no joy with DNA, how many platforms have you uploaded your file to? And how close have the matches been?

@ClaredeBear The main platforms & nothing closer than third cousin twice removed or whatever. Nothing that would make me think it was worth contacting the person.

I can understand that. I can imagine it must be a shock if you know the person in those posts but unfortunately I think if you’re not willing to put it out there publicly you’re out of options really.

Other than just looking yourself & sending a message to any man you find on Facebook with that name but then a 70 year old may not even have an account or be active on it if they do.

If you have a photo then just post it and say “does anyone recognise this chap?” or if more than one person say “does anyone recognise any one in this photo?”
You don’t need to say why and if a sibling replies then you take it from there!
If Joe Bloggs replies and says I’m on the left and you know Dad is on the right, then you can then ask if they still know “Martin Smith”!

Hi @Findingdad I looked for my biological father a few months ago. I started a thread about it here.

My situation was pretty much the same as yours. My mum and biological father had a very short relationship. Only distant relatives came up as a DNA match on Ancestry and I didn't feel comfortable contacting them.

I knew roughly where he was from so I did a lot of googling and Facebook searching and managed to find him in the end. To cut a long story short, he said he didn't want any contact with me. I was upset at the time but I'm over it now. It's his loss and I've got lots of lovely family around me luckily.

I'd prepared myself for that outcome but it still surprised me how hurt I felt at the time so bear that in mind. Sending you warm thoughts as I know exactly how you feel.

The Salvation Army have a family tracing service so you may well want to contact them.

could you go to where he grew up and subtly ask around if he's likely to still be local? what was he doing for work when your mum knew him? if he was self employed at all he could appear on companies house though you say he has a common name
you could hire a PI...?

Have you thought about a DNA test? it could find other relatives and him through them.

This. I traced my father using this service. Your parents have to have been married though to use it.

I also change been able to travel my father’s birth parents (he was adopted) using DNA. You can’t easily trace people just hoping they pop up as a DNA match, you have to combine it with genealogy (ie placing the matches you do have on that side on a family tree). It’s quite involved and as you can imagine with tracing birth family it took a while as you have zero information about them. It also involved a lot of internet stalking!

If you don’t have the time or knowledge to do this yourself there are “search angels” on a number of DNA Genealogy Facebook groups who will search for you for free.

@TealAndTurquoise Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.

It’s in the OP that she has already tried that

How much does your mum remember about him, can she recall what job he did, or what his father did for a living? Or maybe even the names of his parents or any siblings.

He could well have gone on to marry someone else in the area, and a marriage certificate shows occupations and father's name and occupation as well. You might be able to narrow it down a bit that way.

Could the salvation army help? Or have you tried electoral roll at his last known address? Good luck and following....

I found mine on Facebook. He’d only had a brief relationship with my mum, so all I had was a name and a physical description. What gave it away that it was the right fella was that his two adult children look extraordinarily like me - his son in particular looks like a male version of me.

I messaged him but all I said was I trying to track down some of my mum’s old mates from university and had he attended the same university as her in the late 70s by any chance?

He didn’t reply - but he did immediately block me, which I thought was more revealing than just replying to say “nope, not me!”

Like a PP poster, I was hurt, but figure it’s his loss. I do feel sad that I’ve got siblings out there I’ll never know though.

Sorry, none of this is any help, especially if you don’t want to try Facebook. But I just wanted to let you know that it’s very possible that even if you do track him down, he may not want to know, and even if you’re prepared for that, it’s still a gut punch.

Hi,
I am adopted and traced my biological parents seperately.
If your mum tells you his date If birth you can apply for his birth certificate which actually can also tell you if he passed away as their will be a death certificate.
If you know where he grew up, do you know if there were siblings and if so names. Schools and jobs. What job was he doing when you were born. Contact that firm with the truth and they may have some infirnation of where he went to next as they would have given a reference. Long shot I know.
For my father I was lucky and put a one of advert in a newspaper asking if you are..and used to drink in the ..in 1967 , can you ring please and he did ! With mum the surname was unusual so I wrote to ones in the phone book and one was her sister.
Have you tried his name or middle name on FB and then look at photos, as sometimes people name their children, grandchildren after parents. I realised you'd then have to message saying your looking for ..if you think you found him.
Other places would be a church if he attended one or military, and also if he gets a pension where is it from what industry and contact them. Or potentials. Helps if you've date of birth though for pensions.
Next would be was he in bands or had hobbies and can mum remember fr example if he was a good guitarist/ singer, as again you can try groups. Did he have a nickname.

Gosh good luck

@Findingdad I hope everything works out for you. Despite not getting the outcome I wanted, I can close that open door to my past now and move on.

Hi OP - this feels really tough. I had very scant information about my biological father from my mum - just a name and a few biographical details - turned out she got the surname slightly wrong too which led me up a lot of garden paths. I was fortunate that a DNA result identified the correct surname (through a few more distant relatives) and from there I found him on facebook. Sadly he had already died but I reached out to one of his children through a direct message. My existence was a real shock to the family (five adult children from two marriages) and sadly they were unable to ask their dad for details because he wasn’t around any more. I don’t have any ongoing contact but the door’s open at my end if they decide to contact me at some point. Like another poster, facebook pics suggested to me that I look a lot more like my bio dad’s side of the family which was just weird. I’m not sure what to suggest - before I found out the correct surname I was almost considering a private investigator but never ended up having the money or enough inclination. Best of luck with your search.

One of my siblings got in touch and seemed fairly interested at the time. There were four of them (one since passed away) and I felt like an outsider. They mostly all had a bit of a grudge with my dad for never being around so weren't particularly warm to me despite one of them getting in touch. I don't really stay in touch now and it was quite a kick as well to finally realise they weren't very interested after growing up being part of another blended family where I felt like the outsider.

Weirdly only one of them had a resemblance to my dad and other members of the family so who knows if I am actually related to the other siblings.

So in short meeting your siblings can be equally tough too.

Find one of the tracing biological family facebook pages. There are search angels who will find him for you for free. They know how to use what genealogical data you have along with public records.

If you don’t want to go that route, hire a PI who specialises in this area. I hired a PI to help me pull criminal records information on someone that was not otherwise public. It was just an online search. Cost me £100 and took them less than 24 hours. Money well spent.

Have you checked birth death and marriage records or the electoral roll?

Yes, second the Salvation Army Tracing service. We had real success using them to find our father years ago and we had minimal details like you.

I can imagine, @pertainingtoparticularism. I wasn’t planning to reach out to mine, as I’m sure it would be another disappointment.

It’s a shame though - having semi-stalked their Facebook profiles, they both look like fun people who I have a lot in common with. The three of us even all work in different branches of the same industry.