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Original poster

Rejected by my biological father

28 replies

TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 06:39

I've never known my biological father. My mum had a very brief relationship with him and didn't even have any photos of him to show me. She only told me his name and where he was from. I accepted this and, although I occasionally wondered growing up what he was like, I never thought about finding him.

I've been working on my family tree for a few years now. I'm 48 soon, my partner died several years ago and mum hasn't been well for the last few years. All of this combined made me think that life is short and, as he is 70 now, if I wanted to find him, I should do it sooner rather than later.

I did some sleuthing online and found him on Facebook. I sent him a message about 6 weeks ago. He finally replied this week and said he doesn't want any contact. He said he doesn't want to start a new relationship at his age. I said that I wasn't looking for a dad at this stage of my life. I just wanted to get to know him a bit and find out if we're similar in any way or if I've inherited any traits etc.He replied saying sorry but he's made his decision and asked that I don't message him anymore, so I said fine and left it at that.

My reaction has surprised me. I've been crying on and off for the last few days. I managed my entire life to get by without him in it but it really hurts to be rejected like this. I wasn't expecting to have a big emotional reunion with tears and hugs. I would have been happy just to chat and get to know each other slowly but he didn't even want to do that.

Sorry for the length of this. I haven't told my mum I was even looking for him, as she's not well and I didn't want to burden her, so I just needed to get it off my chest

OP posts:
romdowa · 31/05/2025 06:58

Rejection by a parent hurts no matter what age you are. I'm so sorry op

CalicoPusscat · 31/05/2025 07:00

That sounds hard to cope with ❤️

He was a bit blunt tbh but I suppose that's his prerogative.

I hope you have good friends to help you through.

Needlenardlenoo · 31/05/2025 07:18

That sounds upsetting. I am wondering if there are support groups for people in this position. I had a quick look for you but what I could find was focused on adoption.

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2025 07:20

I’m so sorry.

I don’t know if it helps to think that he hasn’t rejected you - he doesn’t know you, the person, so that can’t be true. He has rejected the idea of being a father, of reopening something that he buried decades ago.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:25

@romdowa thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:27

@CalicoPusscat I have great friends who knew I was going to message him. I feel a bit too emotional to talk to them about it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:29

@SheilaFentiman I know what you're saying makes sense logically and it's probably the right way to look at it. I'm just feeling pure emotion at the moment and I regret putting myself out there to get hurt.

OP posts:
Fiver555 · 31/05/2025 07:29

Slightly different, but my grandfather didn't want to meet his youngest grandchild for the same reason - he said he was too old to meet someone new. He was also about 70 at the time.

And th @SheilaFentiman is right, it's not you - he doesn't know you. He might just be a supremely selfish man - my grandfather was.

Toootss · 31/05/2025 07:31

You don’t know how his life went -maybe he made a lot of mistakes, has many regrets, doesn’t really want to discuss it with anyone.

Maybe leave it a bit then ask if you could please just have a photo of him at your age if you want to try again. He could also be angry at your mother.

That’s not much consolation, he is being selfish.

Gymsharkathlete · 31/05/2025 07:32

I had the same with my dad OP. Well the same in the sense he rejected me and told me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore (after having been a very present parent for the first 20 years of my life!)

the rejection was incredibly painful and still hurts me immensely. I can’t really give advice as we all deal with things differently but don’t blame yourself. He’s the one missing out. What he has done is really shitty but try and forgive him for your sake; so that you don’t weigh yourself down with this pain. It’s a big burden to carry. It’s been just over 10 years now since my and my dad and it still hurts me a lot and I think about him a lot too

Enrichetta · 31/05/2025 07:36

romdowa · 31/05/2025 06:58

Rejection by a parent hurts no matter what age you are. I'm so sorry op

This. Coupled with the fact that your Mum is unwell, it is entirely understandable that you would want to reach out to your father.

At the same time it is reasonable that he doesn’t want to connect with you. I expect this is out of fear of the relationship potentially getting ‘complicated’. Maybe he is not in the best of health and feels he could not deal with this at his age.

Lots of possible reasons, but you need to address your own feelings and emotions. Get some counselling would be my suggestion.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:39

@Toootss I'm going to respect his wishes and not contact him again. I said if he changes his mind he can message me, but I won't initiate again

OP posts:
Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:41

@Gymsharkathlete sorry for what you went through. I forgave someone else in my life years ago before they died after they treated me appallingly for years and I felt better afterwards. I'm not there yet with this as it's still so new and raw. Hopefully I'll feel able to forgive him eventually.

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 31/05/2025 07:41

Gosh that was blunt. How hurtful. I applaud you for trying though and accepting the outcome, at least now you know and there are no 'what ifs' re contacting him. Did he know there was a child previously?

As a PP says, I'd try and see this as not personal. He doesn't know you at all. You don't know him (even if you can see some stuff on Facebook, it's not always representative). He's reaching a time in his life where there may be factors making such a proposition overwhelming, perhaps ill health or bereavement.

I suppose whatever reasons prevented him, it's easier just to say a flat 'no' and no get involved rather than meet and then have to manage expectations or have to hold back. I get it's hard (and this may not be the case) but I'd give some possibility for there being such factors.

Maybe counselling? Are you having any for your own bereavement? Does your mum talk much about their dates, just to give a picture?

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 07:49

@Catandsquirrel yes, he knew about me. Mum said he came and visited once when I was a baby. They really weren't together very long. They met on holiday abroad, but lived in different parts of the country, so didn't pursue a relationship. My mum finds it hard to talk about that time as I think she's embarrassed about having a child out of wedlock. She's not ashamed of me but about her behaviour. She's had mental health issues and depression her whole life so I've never pushed her for details as I know she finds it hard to talk about.

I had bereavement counselling after my partner died and it helped a lot.

OP posts:
Rainbowpony6 · 31/05/2025 08:10

I sort of had the same ,I lived with my dad till I was 16 ,from about 12 .then I went to live with my mum ,and that was the end of my relationship with him
He completely cut me off , refused to have anything more to do with me or meet his grandchildren.he recently died after a long illness where he had plenty of time to contact me ,yet choose not to.
It's bewildering and it hurts ,it was really hard growing up without a dad doing all the things you see proper dads doing .
I decided it was probably for the best as he clearly wasn't a good person to do this ,to reject me and his grandchildren,so probably best he wasn't in my life if that was the sort of person he was .

Rainbowpony6 · 31/05/2025 08:12

It's actually all still very raw ,so I'm quite surprised I was able to discuss it on here as he only died very recently,and I only found out a week after he died , didn't even know he had been ill

Rainbowpony6 · 31/05/2025 08:15

God now I've opened the flood gates
I'm due counselling very soon ,
But my mum was very self absorbed,so there was literally nothing normal from either of my parents
Despite not having my dad in my life ,my mum only saw my eldest DC 3 times in 20 years ,it was one excuse after another.
But now she's in a nursing home near my house my full responsibility with everyone else having walked away

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 08:16

@Rainbowpony6 sorry you've been through all that x

OP posts:
Rainbowpony6 · 31/05/2025 08:19

I'm sorry for your situation too turquoise.
I hope you find some peace with it .
At least he can't hurt you or ruin your life by not being involved

Gettingbysomehow · 31/05/2025 08:23

I found mine on ancestry DNA. My father had died and my brother rejected me completely.
I can't say I cared. I've lived 63 years without them. I'd have liked a photo but they refused so that was that. I suspected they were concerned I was after an inheritance which never crossed my mind.

sandgrown · 31/05/2025 08:27

I have been looking for my bio dad for years and as he is from a different culture I am expecting a similar response if I ever find him. I understand you must be disappointed. My brother found his dad ( different man) , on Ancestry, but he was deceased . My brother had half siblings who didn’t want contact but did send a photo of his dad . Recently he has been contacted, out of the blue, by a nephew who may be able to give him more information. It may be that your dad has never told anyone about you and doesn’t want to upset the apple cart . Perhaps when he has had time to think he will contact you but remember it’s his loss .

Sunnyday321 · 31/05/2025 08:28

I can sort of see his point . He obviously at the time of your birth never wanted to have any form of relationship with you . It sounds like over the years you never received cards , presents or financial help to your mum from him . So in a way he was no more than a sperm donor .

It was probably a shock to him to hear from you , and as an unemotional man ( his dealing with it proves he was ) shouldn't come as a surprise .

Said in the nicest way , he doesn't sound like he would have been a great loss , so be thankful he wasn't a big part of your life.

MoistVonL · 31/05/2025 08:34

I know it feels like a personal rejection and I do feel a great deal of sympathy for you.

You’re 48, he’s 70. So he had a brief holiday fling age 21, and decided when he discovered she was pregnant that he wasn’t going to be involved. Selfish, sure, but 1977 wasn’t an era of child support or any repercussions for young men who walked away from pregnant girlfriends.

Aside from one visit when you were an infant, he’s lived his whole life without considering himself a father - indeed, he may have gone on to marry and have a family or any number of outcomes.

You choosing now to make contact makes complete sense in the context of what’s happening in your life. That’s not the case for him.

There is a reason there are agencies who act as intermediaries between adopted adult children and their birth parents - the contact from a biological adult child the parent who walked away hasn’t thought about for decades, can provoke some blunt reactions. They can offer counselling before contact is made and help manage expectations. You didn’t have this as a possibility, which is a real shame.

He doesn’t want his status quo disrupted, or possible damage to his current relationship because a 48 year old daughter has popped up on the scene. Again, hurtful to you but from his perspective it’s the safe choice.

He made his decision on this when your lovely mum said she was pregnant. I’m sorry she struggled, and I am sorry her health isn’t good.

It’s understandably raw. I really do feel for you - a close friend experienced the same with her birth father and it was so hard. I wish you well.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 31/05/2025 08:49

@Sunnyday321 that's how I'm going to look at it.

OP posts:
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